Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Any Rachael Ray Wannabes Out There?

Anyone in the market for a project? Volunteer to test one of these new Kraft recipes (and share the results with all of us, please!).



Thanks to all of you for your concern and support last night. Incredibly, my mom's trip to the hospital had the best possible outcome. The surgeon met them there and was able to drain the abcess immediately. There were absolutely no complications, and my mom started to feel better immediately. Better yet, the surgeon was able to confirm that there are no signs of infection - which is a total answer to prayer. This means that surgery can proceed on Tuesday as planned.

My parents were back home again before 10 pm, and my mom called and sounded about 200% better than when I'd seen her earlier in the evening. HUGE sigh of relief :)

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Tuesday, April 29, 2008


I just sent this email out to my mom's 'support team' via email, at her request:

Urgent Prayer Request

It's not Sherri... It's Lindsay (tricky, hey?).

Geoff and I - along with Jess and Kevin - were over at my mom and dad's place for dinner tonight, and my mom was feeling progressively worse. She developed an abcess beneath her surgical incision today, and it was growing in size. As it grew, her pain started to increase and she was fighting fainting spells from the pain.

Fortunately, her surgeon is on call tonight - so my parents left for the hospital a few minutes ago. There, they'll drain the abcess and check her out to make sure that everything is okay.

My mom asked that I email all of you, her support team, and ask you to please pray:
1. That things will go smoothly at the hospital tonight
2. That there aren't any complications (specifically, that the abcess doesn't mean there's an infection)
3. That she'll be feeling better again very soon
4. That she'll experience peace in the place of panic over this unexpected complication

I'm sure that one of my parents will be able to update everyone later tomorrow, once we know more about what's going on.

Thank you so much! I know that your love and prayers and support mean the world to her (to all of us).


I also really want to share this song with all of you (two in one day!). It's an amazing song by Ginny Owens called 'If You Want Me To' that was incredibly important to me when I was dealing with some dark arthritis days. My mom told me that she rediscovered it this week - and it was too amazing and encouraging to me not to share.

I apologize for this appallingly bad homemade video someone created to accompany the song... Just close your eyes and listen :)

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Bring It On

Forget those pathetic girly inspirational songs.
My current favourite get-out-of-bed-and-fight power song...
Now officially lent to my mom for her own personal use as required :)

I'm gonna walk my faith
Gonna raise my sword
I'm gonna fight my battle
Gonna praise my lord

It's getting heavy
But I'm ready
To take on this world and rock steady
So come on, bring it on

I'm gonna face my demons
Gonna take them down
I'm gonna keep on moving
Gonna make my sound

It's getting heavy
But I'm ready
To take on this world and rock steady
So come on, bring it on
Bring it on

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Monday, April 28, 2008

Team Sherri

I don't know who I am without a project... And here's the news on my latest and greatest undertaking. I'm putting together a massive team - TEAM SHERRI - for the Run for the Cure event happening on Sunday, October 5.

Please email me (or join our event on Facebook) to find out more about how you can join in. And if you're not in Winnipeg, it doesn't matter - there are simultaneous events being held across the country that you can sign up for as part of Team Sherri.

Check out all the details at - from there, you can register online (in Step Two, let 'em know that you're part of Team Sherri). In case you need any extra encouragement to show up, I'll personally be waddling a 1K less than a month before my due date - you won't want to miss it :)

If you can't make it to the event, but you'd like to show your support, please visit my fundraising page and make a donation (anything $20+ is tax receiptable).

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Monday Secret

Ooh, I *loved* this one... It gave my shivers. It makes me smile to think that there are people like this in the world all around us.



Sunday, April 27, 2008

Baby Weight

It's no surprise that the whole pregnancy weight gain thing is a little bit of an issue for this new mama-to-be who's struggled with her weight - and an eating disorder - for years.

It's taken so long to find a place where I can manage to like myself (no love yet, but I hope that I'll get there someday). And I fully accept that I need to eat and gain weight to have a healthy baby - which absolutely overrides everything else for me. I'm doing everything I should be. But if I'm being completely honest, I'm finding it tough some days. Most days.

The ironic thing is that I'm not even gaining weight yet. But I'm watching my body change, and it's all so totally beyond my control... I wonder (secretly) sometimes if it's compounded by the fact that I didn't plan and dream about this pregnancy for months ahead of time.

A healthy baby is more important to me than anything. And I'm so excited to be pregnant, and to be a mom. As much as I feel uncomfortable about gaining weight, I've made my peace with it. But that's a decision I need to make again every single day when I wake up and get dressed and look in the mirror. I hear that - once I start to look less fat and more pregnant - I'll feel better about it. I guess we'll know if that's true soon...

It helps to make sure that I have a cute haircut, that I took the time to put some make-up on, that my nails are done, that I put some effort into my outfit, and that my legs are shaved. At least if I'm lumpy, I'm still feminine :)

How 'bout the rest of you? How did you feel about your changing pregnant bodies? Was it something you embraced without hesitation, or something that was sometimes difficult?


Weekend Update: Zzzz... Edition

So this is a little more than a typical 'weekend update' - but I'll try to quickly get you all caught up on what's new in my life and on my mind lately.

Not a good day. It was a particularly exhausting day at work, and I was at the office much later than I'd hoped to be. We got the news about my mom's cancer just before 8 pm. I cried for a while, then clicked on the television to watch the American Idol results - only to watch 'my' Carly get unfairly voted off. Some days, you just can't win.

Woke up to blizzard-like conditions at 4.45 am. Was ready and at the office by just after 6.00 am, and on the road to Kenora with three of my co-workers by 6.15 am - questioning our sanity for being on the roads at all for the first half-hour. Spent ALL day in meetings with a new client, and returned to Winnipeg around 7.00 pm. And all without coffee. I think I deserve a medal. Sleeping by 8.45 pm.

Slept through my alarm, and showed up 10 minutes late for my 8.00 am meeting (fortunately, I have amazing co-workers who are totally cool about things like that). Another ridiculously long day at work, capped off by a few hours of spring cleaning with the whole office, from 4.00 to around 7.15 pm (try to imagine how tired I was by this point). Sleeping by 9.00 pm.

Inexplicably awake by 7.05 am. Dragged Geoff to a few garage sales in the morning (didn't find anything except a Michael Connelly paperback for 25 cents - perfect for the lake). I'd been hoping to start collecting some great kids books... But I'll keep trying all summer. Either that, or my baby will spend this winter hearing me read from the Winnipeg Free Press and Vanity Fair (which may not be the worst thing for developing a strong vocabulary). Met Anja for lunch at Stella's, then browsed the Urban Barn before we both decided to head home for naps. Met up with her again at 6.45 pm for the Moose hockey game in the evening. Arrived home around 11.30 pm, too tired for words.

Um... Slept until 11.30. I wish I felt the tiniest bit bad about that, but I don't. I needed every moment of that amazing sleep. Had just enough time to get ready to meet the gang at Buccacino's to celebrate Paul's birthday. Spent the better part of the afternoon eating, relaxing, laughing, talking, and just generally catching up with Paul, Emily, Craig, Jeff, Rocky, Marie-Eve, and a few others (including my Geoff, who graciously sacrificed a good chunk of his post-night-shift sleep to be there). Headed home and threw on some sweats and running shoes and spent some time walking up and down Wellington Crescent with Geoff. We may have also stopped at Dorothy's for ice cream... Then came home, made dinner, read a pregnancy magazine, bawled through Extreme Home Makeover, giggled through Family Guy, and finally updated my blog while verrry much enjoying the new Madonna album. 8.45 pm. Definitely bedtime again... I'm so finished making excuses for all this sleep.

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Mom Update

Well, gang. I wish that I had better news.

We found out on Wednesday evening that my mom is in Stage Two cancer, meaning they found cancer in one of the two lymph nodes they removed in surgery earlier this month. Fortunately, the extra tissue they removed from around the tumour was clear - thank god - but this news about her lymph node means that she's scheduled for surgery again. The next surgery will be happening on May 6, and they'll be removing 10 to 12 lymph nodes this time. It will be more extensive, recovery will be harder, and she'll require physio to be able to move her arm again.

The results of the second surgery will dictate the next steps for my mom and her medical team - but the Stage Two label means that nothing about this will be quick, simple, or easy.

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers, whatever's more your style. This was incredibly difficult news to hear, and my mom was so discouraged by this news. She sounds like she's back to her fighting self now, but it looks like this journey's just getting started...

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Friday, April 25, 2008

Missing in Action

Lots of stuff going on... At work, at home, and - most importantly - with my mom. I was in Kenora for work (in the snowy icky messy storm yesterday - UGH), but I'm home safe and sound. Full update coming soon, I promise :)


Tuesday, April 22, 2008

To Doula or Not to Doula

To all my lovely blog readers who also happen to be mommies... Another question I'm mulling over right now - and you know I love hearing all your thoughts and ideas and opinions :)

Did any of you hire a doula during your pregnancy or labour & delivery? What was your experience - would you recommend it or make the same decision again?


ChronicBabe Strikes Again

Excerpts borrowed from yet another great article I read at, contributed by the lovely and talented Jenni Prokopy... It really encouraged me, and reinforced that I'm doing the right thing by cutting WAY back on my overtime hours and spending lots of time finding ways to relax and laugh out loud. I hope that it encourages all of you - whether you're sick or healthy - to find ways to create your own mini-vacations.

It's Spring Break for ChronicBabes

It's finally feeling like spring here in Chicago and, just like clockwork, I'm feeling the itch to take a little time off. If the kids can have a spring break, why can't the grown-ups?

But the past year's been particularly tough on me, and even though I've moved back home I'm now deep into unpacking and redecorating our condo. (After all, if you have to have your home almost completely destroyed by mother nature, you should get to make it super-pretty when you move back in, right?)

The upshot: Even though I want to take a little break, I find myself constantly trying to do more. "I'm feeling good," I think to myself. "I'll unpack boxes for an hour." So I do that, and when the hour's up, I think, "I'm feeling OK, so I'll unpack for another hour." That hour goes by and even though I'm getting really tired, I justify more work: "If I can just finish unpacking this pile I'll feel so accomplished," I think, and finally I'm too exhausted to fix myself dinner.

Wow. Really goes against the ChronicBabe way of life, doesn't it? I'm SO not practicing what I preach when it comes to pacing myself, putting my health first, and fostering balance.

I say all this not to whine (although regular readers know we sometimes have to "embrace the whine") but to find the lesson in the situation and share it with you.

Time to break old habits that aren't healthy

Many of us ChronicBabes lived years before we got sick, and for us, it's easy to fall back on old habits that don't support our new needs. Like, say, taking a gangbusters approach and spending three or four hours straight unpacking when we know we should just do an hour a day. Hmm.

And it's even easier to fall into old habits when we're in emotional or otherwise-challenging situations. We get worn down and we default to the way we were before we got sick, which wasn't necessarily a BAD way to be, but doesn't work so well for us today.

Time to get rid of the "I shoulds"

Even a ChronicBabe like me who's lived with fibromyalgia for 11 years and knows better sometimes falls prey to those old habits and the "shoulds." I "should" be able to unpack all weekend because I could do that before. I "should" be able to spend all day on my feet at Ikea because I used to do that all the time.

What I "should" do is take a page from my own book (I mean, web site) and chill out. A new mantra I'm breaking in is, "it would be nice if..." Sure, it would be nice if we could unpack immediately, but not a single friend will judge if we still have boxes in the dining room in May. It would be nice if the patio furniture was assembled, but it's still too chilly to hang out there anyway. See how powerful it is to say "it would be nice if" instead of "I should?"

Starting today, I'm declaring an official ChronicBabe spring break. I'm taking a few days off to just chill out. No assembling furniture until my hands ache, no long shopping trips that make my feet throb, and no marathon unpacking sessions. Just me, myself and my laptop...surfing the web, watching DVDs, listening to good tunes...recharging. I need it, and I deserve it.

So how about you?

Is it time for your spring break? I hope you'll think carefully before you answer; if your body is saying that it needs rest, please listen. In fact, I think "it would be nice if" you took the rest of the day off to pamper yourself and enjoy a little break.

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Monday, April 21, 2008

Monday Secret

This secret reminded me of the message at church on Sunday about forgiveness. I needed to hear what I heard that morning, and I let go of all kinds of emotional junk related to my old roommates. It was so freeing to realize that carrying around a bad attitude about other people makes absolutely no difference in their lives - but it poisons my own. And so, I let them go. And it's feeling pretty good, I must admit.

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Weekend Update: Finally Spring Edition

- Another crazy, crazy day at work...
- Got home and had a nap
- Fired up the BBQ for dinner
- Met Emily & Paul for Starbucks & a movie (Forgetting Sarah Marshall - can't officially recommend it without feeling like a bad church girl, but if you can stomach the jokes and the nudity, it's freaking hilarious and well worth a ticket)

- Woke up way too early
- Two hour meeting with a furnace / central air guy to do an assessment of our house (subsequently decided we're too poor at the moment, given the baby that's apparently on its way)
- Met Em for an afternoon of retail therapy - and only spent money on one dress, ON SALE, go Lindsay!
- Had a nap
- Went for a walk with Geoff to go get... ICE CREAM! YAY!
- Baked an awesome frozen organic pizza for dinner
- Watched a movie, and fell asleep halfway through...

- Got up and went to church
- Met Steve & Val, Anica, Sophie & Mady at the park for a picnic and an afternoon in the sun
- Had a nap
- Talked to my mom for a while
- Boycotted dinner
- Watched TV and then went to bed early

Are you noticing a pattern developing here? I swear, I am sleeping 10 hours a night PLUS having a nap every day - and I'm still constantly exhausted. I have no idea if I should be blaming it on the pregnancy or if it's fibromyalgia and I should be worrying... I think I'll give it another couple of weeks and see what happens.

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Friday, April 18, 2008

Little Miracles

I'm rounding the corner to the end of my first trimester - the finish line is in sight! I can't tell y'all how happy that makes me.

This week was the first time that I found myself relaxing a little tiny bit about this whole pregnancy thing. I have literally been living in constant fear that something will go wrong - which is horrible, I know, but I can't seem to help it. Now I'm just *often* afraid. I just feel like this was too easy, that there must be a catch. Someday, I need to spend more time and energy than I have right now to explore why I feel I don't deserve good things. For today, I'm trying to let go of my fears and just focus on embracing this little miracle and living every moment of it.

I don't know if I've written about this before or not, but I saw a doctor a few months ago for just a routine check-up - and they let me know that, based on the tests they'd done, I was likely to have a very difficult time getting pregnant. They told me to plan on 4 to 6 years. I came home, and I cried. I hadn't even considered this possibility, and it wasn't something I was expecting to hear at a generic doctor's appointment about nothing in particular. Geoff and I had talked about waiting a while yet, but that news really shook us up - because we knew that, eventually, we definitely wanted a family. And I was so devastated to think that it might not happen for us.

The news that we were expecting was a HUGE shock. I know that's part of why I'm so excited about it - and I know that's why I'm kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. And probably also why it took me a while to catch on to all my early pregnancy symptoms :)

I think that the beginning of my second trimester means the beginning of my new way of thinking about this whole thing. Clearly, God wants us to start our family now. And if this whole thing is his plan, then I need to trust that it's all going to work out the way it's supposed to - whatever that means.

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Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Springtime Stroll

Have I mentioned lately how much I love our neighbourhood? I'm just so totally content to live exactly where we live, in this exact little spot in the world. In all the dingy brown spring-ness of the last couple of weeks, I almost forgot how happy it made me to live where I live. But last night, I remembered.

I got home from work and decided to walk to get groceries for dinner. Stephen & Andrew's is a pleasant 10 to 15 minute stroll down Academy from our house - and I had lots of time before my television extravaganza started anyway.

The only problem is that - between our house and Stephen & Andrew's - I had to walk past:
1. Moule (amazing shopping)
2. Dorothy's Ice Cream Parlour (oh my god, so much temptation!)
3. Bernard Callebaut Chocolates (whimper)
4. Cornelia Bean (best coffee and tea ever)
5. Tiber River Naturals AND Buttercup Beauty Bar (mmm... pedicures)
6. Shopgirl (very cute and pregnancy-friendly babydoll dress in the window)

Reader, you will be very happy to know that I didn't stop once. I did adjust my route home, however, because I didn't trust myself to withstand the ice cream temptation TWICE in one half-hour.

I detoured and walked home down Wellington - which I probably should have done in the first place, because it was just to happy and spring-like and lovely. I counted dozens and dozens of joggers, dog walkers, and cyclists who were out enjoying our first legitimate spring day. It was just... nice.

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Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The Irony & The Agony of Reality Television

I don't know when I started watching TV again, and I don't necessarily like it. I used to be able to go weeks without spending any real amount of time in front of the TV - other than The Office and some occasional episodes of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. But lately, with my non-existent energy levels, all I want to do is sit on my couch and stare blankly at the screen. The problem is that (a) I fear I will become morbidly obese, and (b) I'm totally sucked into these shows now.

Nevermind the fact that some of these new obsessions are (so embarrassing...) reality shows.

Tonight brings not one but TWO major television events to my living room: the finale of The Biggest Loser (which always always always makes me cry), and the first episode of American Idol since my darling Michael Johns got voted off (which also kind of makes me want to cry).

It reminded me of the last season of American Idol that I actually watched, when Constantine got voted off... So sad. Now I'm left with all my hopes hanging on Carly and David Cook - and I'm so scared that annoying Brooke or super-annoying Young David will end up in the final. Shudder. A shudder that they might win. And an even bigger shudder that it actually kind of matters to me.

But it does. Have you SEEN Ali? She's lost 99 pounds, and she looks so amazing. You can tell by the way she walks now that she feels so good about herself. I'll be so sad if she doesn't win the money. But regardless, her entire life has been changed, and how can you NOT be happy for all of these people?

I wish that I didn't care. I really do. But these darn reality show producers are just so CLEVER in their devilish schemes to draw me in...

So ironic that I'm getting fat from sitting on my couch and watching other people lose weight on TV.

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Monday, April 14, 2008

Weekend Update: Back in the Saddle Edition

I've been more than a little bit missing from anything even vaguely resembling a social scene lately. I'm just too tired to care. And this feeling of being about three months behind on seeing friends I've promised to see is overwhelming on a good day. This weekend, we had a few unavoidable engagements that sort of forced me to do my hair and leave the house.

On Saturday, Geoff and I were up pretty early so that I could line up for Oasis tickets (woohoo!). We've been having much better luck getting good seats when we go in person vs booking them online, and I can't really sleep in anyway - so we found ourselves at the MTS Centre just after 9 am. Geoff's not so much into Oasis, but he was kind enough to come with me while I scooped up some decent seats for Erin and myself. I'm definitely looking forward to reliving a few high school memories at that show on September 1 :)

From there, we went for brunch (horrible customer service experience that I'd rather just forget about) and ran a few errands. And then I had a nap.

In the evening, we made an appearance at Kyle & Jill's party with some of my coworkers (where I didn't drink AND stuck to my diet, thankyouverymuch) and then headed over to join Geoff's coworkers at a social (where I didn't drink, and ALMOST managed to stick to my diet). I made it to almost 12.30 before I was absolutely too tired to function and Geoff was kind enough to take me home.

Yesterday, we went to Geoff's church - he was doing sound - and then stopped in at George & Lara's for Zyra's first birthday party. That girl is so ridiculously cute, I don't even have words to describe it... And then it was off to Niverville to spend the remainder of the afternoon and the evening with my parents. I had a nap while everyone else watched the end of the curling final, then went for a walk with my mom, and we all ended off the evening watching 'Juno' together.

It was so nice to see my mom doing better. She's a long way from an official label of 'recovered from surgery' but she's made so much amazing progress this week. It's just so hard to wait.

And I'm feeling... ODD. I can't really describe it. It's tired mixed with queasy mixed with fat mixed with achy mixed with a combination of about seventeen other random emotions at any given second. I'm happy. I'm just... I don't know. I just am. And maybe that's okay for right now.

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Monday Secret

A girl can dream, can't she? :)


Saturday, April 12, 2008

(Belated) Friday Smile

So I left work *almost* on time yesterday, and Geoff wasn't getting home from work until 8ish... So I decided that I'd go and get a few things done at the mall - including a new bra, because I'm apparently busting out of everything these days, and I was tired of looking/feeling like a whore.

I went to La Senza, and one of the girls measured me and helped me find something that would work. Sounds simple, but it took probably 45 minutes. And then I went to go stand in line to pay.

There were only five or six people in front of me, but the girls working the tills were setting a record for poor, slow customer service. After 15 minutes of standing and waiting, there were still three or four people in line in front of me - and I'd reached the end of my rope.

I didn't yell or scream or throw a fit... I just very calmly stepped out of line, approached the counter, and put down my bra. 'I'm sorry. I don't have time to wait anymore. You just lost a $50 sale.' And then I turned to leave the store.

But before I could leave, I had to walk past the ten women who'd been waiting in line behind me. It started with a few of them commenting quietly, 'Good for her!' And then someone started to clap. And within a few seconds, almost all of them were clapping and cheering. And one of them threw the bra she was holding onto the counter beside my abandoned non-purchase. 'You lost my sale too. That bra cost $35.' Another woman had an armload of items, and she dumped it all on top of our bras on the counter. 'My time is worth more than this. You lost $200 on me.'

It was a revolt. A revolution. And I walked out of that store with my head held high, giggling to myself a little bit over the mess I'd created at La Senza - it felt GOOD.

At least until I woke up this morning and started to get dressed, and I realized that I don't have a single bra that fits me. And now I can't go back to La Senza. Argh :)

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Thursday, April 10, 2008

No Sentences

I'm out of things to say, if you can believe it. I have no sentences left.
Only questions.

Questions like...
When will things start to turn around?
When can I get my parents and my family back?
When do all the overly dramatic details of my mat leave get straightened out so that I can just go back to worrying about my work?
When will I stop feeling fat and start feeling pregnant?
When will my mom start to feel better?
When will we find out about what's next in this little cancer game?
Why won't the icky horrible disgusting mouse (shudder) that I spotted in our living room on the weekend crawl into one of the many, many traps we've set for him?
When will Geoff lose patience with my almost-constant tears?
When will I stop being so tired that I feel constantly ill?

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Wednesday, April 09, 2008


So as far as I know, my mom's surgery was a success yesterday. All I have is second-hand info from my dad and third-hand info from my brother... And all of that info is from boys. I need to see my mom and hear it from her - and we'll do that tonight when Geoff and I head out there with dinner for them tonight.

Please continue to pray for her. The recovery won't be fun, and now we find ourselves waiting again. It will be a few weeks before we find out results - things like what kind of cancer it is, if it's affecting her lymph nodes, if it's spread at all, and how they want to treat it (chemo, radiation, or both).

Pray for peace while we wait, and for the best possible news at the end of this month.

In the meantime, I continue to be overwhelmed by the goodness of other people. The world is full of so much bad, but we are surrounded by people who are full of love and joy and generosity and light - it's amazing. I wish that you could all experience this feeling (just without the bad stuff that triggered it).

This week, I've been meditating on this verse: Be still, and know that I am God.

I suck at being still. I'm not being dramatic... I'm really, really, honestly TERRIBLE at it. I'm a woman of action. But I really feel like - in so many areas of my life - it's my time to be still. Be still, and let him do his work in and around me. And so I wait.

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Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Surgery Today

Please pray for my mom as she has her surgery today. Her days begins at 09.30 with a sentinel node injection at St B, then they'll be heading over to Victoria Hospital by 11.00 for her surgery at 13.00. It's day surgery, so as long as there are no complications, she'll be home later this evening.

We are praying for:
- No complications such as blood clots or infection after surgery
- No cancer found in the lymph nodes
- Minimal nausea after anesthetic

Thanks for remembering my mom today. We can all feel everyone's prayers and positive thoughts coming our way, and we appreciate it so much.

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Monday, April 07, 2008

Babies Are Delicious

Okay, I had to share - because this is one of the funniest online baby tools I've discovered so far. It's disturbing to me on several levels... Partially because it keeps on comparing our baby to food. And partially because it ends with me giving birth to a pumpkin. Imagine it. Well, okay, DON'T.

How Big is Our Baby?

Oh, and in case you're curious: our baby is the size of a kumquat this week. (What isn't funny about that?)

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One Down

So I had my first official prenatal appointment this morning, and I lived to tell about it. It wasn't too bad, but I bitched to Geoff *all* the way back to work about how unequal this whole having-a-baby thing really is. I think that - after listening to me whine about it - we're probably at least even for today :)

Everything is progressing perfectly, which was awesome to hear! Nothing new to talk about until my next appointment near the end of May, when we'll hopefully be able to hear the heartbeat - and that will bring me really, really close to my 18-week ultrasound. I'm getting very excited for those appointments!

What is happening to me? I'm getting soft. I actually felt a little bit gooey when I saw a really cute baby on TV this weekend. Then again, I was doing a prenatal yoga DVD yesterday, and it had absolutely no calming effect on me because I was lying on the floor giggling every time they made lame comments about 'connecting with your baby' through meditation. So there's at least a little of the old Lindsay left.


Monday Secret


A Letter to My Mom

You know what? I'm not scared anymore. I don't like the whole situation one bit - but I have every confidence that he is holding us safe. I'm not sure when that switch happened, but it's pretty incredible. People must be praying for us.

Did you ever read that Max Lucado book 'When God Whispers Your Name'? There's a chapter in there about jumping into God's big strong arms like a child jumping to their daddy, and having every confidence that he will catch us because he has never dropped us before. I've been thinking about that story all day today... That, and the story about Jesus and the disciples in the boat during the storm, and how if they had faith he would not let them sink and they would walk on water. Walking on water!! And we're worried that he can't help us with a very positive and treatable cancer diagnosis, complete with a team full of surgeons and doctors and a ginormous support system :)

Yesterday, I would have sunk into the waves. Today... I think I could walk. And it's okay if you're not there yet, because I can hold your hand.

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Thursday, April 03, 2008

Sorting Through Too Much Information

Here is today's random million-dollar baby question...

One of my books - admittedly, one of the more scary 'pregnant women shouldn't do ANYTHING' books - mentions that pregnant women should not drink green tea. Does anyone know if that's bullshit or not? I've cut back in the meantime, but there is NO WAY I'm stopping if I don't really, truly have to. I already gave up coffee, people!

(Never mind my waistline. But that's another post.)


Waiting for the Rain

The countdown is on. Five days until my mom goes in for surgery. From there, I don't really know what life will look like - none of us do. We know that there will be recovery after the surgery. And then we know that there will be chemo and radiation. But only God knows how that happens and how that will change all of us in the coming months.

We know the rain is coming, and we're doing our best to get ready for it.

With all of this sneaking up on us so quickly - and yet so very slowly - yesterday was not my toughest, bravest day. Not by a long shot.

I wish I could plan for these things or predict them at least a little (with enough warning to remove myself from public, anyway). Instead, I was browsing through the brand new McNally Robinson store at Polo Park after work last night - and ended up in a puddle of tears.

I'm not sure what it is exactly. I've never been good with change. And I kind of feel like EVERYTHING that touches my world is in transition right now. It feels like the world is spinning and spinning, and I can't quite keep up.

Here's the pure and honest truth: I don't want my mom to be sick. I want us all to hang out at the lake this summer and sit around a fire and go for walks and have crazy adventures with my dad in our boat - without worrying about shuttling my mom to her next chemo appointment in between, and watching her get sicker and sicker right in front of us. I want my parents to keep talking about the anniversary trip to Europe at the end of this summer that had been making them *so* excited. I want to talk to my brother and sister and laugh hysterically about nothing important without having it feel like we're trying too hard. I want to be excited about this new baby with my mom, without any strings attached - those dark, secret, horrible questions no one's brave enough to ask about whether she'll be in the middle of chemo or radiation when we really need her this fall.

It feels like there's this ugly dark cloud hanging over everything, threatening to ruin our picnic. I've been carrying that mental image with me that last couple of days. And then I heard that Rhianna song on the radio - the one I want to hate, but can't - about how even though it's raining more than ever, we have each other and you can stand under my umbrella (ella... ella... eh... eh... eh... :)

And as ridiculous as it may sound to draw inspiration from a Rhianna song (and, believe me, it is), my mental image shifted in that moment - and where I'd previously seen my family huddled together on an exposed hilltop, just waiting for those clouds to unleash their fury, I now saw all the people standing around us holding their umbrellas overtop.

It doesn't matter that the forecast calls for rain on Tuesday. We're covered.

When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath, I'll stick it out to the end

Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

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Wednesday, April 02, 2008

An Uncharacteristically Gushy Post About My Fabulous Friends

Last night, I had the distinct pleasure of meeting up with Anja (recently returned from Europe) and Kari-Ann (highly pregnant, but still pleasant to be around). We ogled Kari-Ann's shiny new engagement ring, mocked the accent Anja always comes home with after spending any amount of time with her family, and just generally discussed the state of our little circle.

In one whirlwind year, we've managed three engagements, two weddings, and two pregnancies between the three of us.

I honestly never thought when we all met working at an ad agency years and years ago (I guess around 8 years for Anja and I, and then Kari-Ann entered the picture maybe 5 years ago) that these would be the girls I'd be sharing all my big crazy life adventures with. But I'm so happy that's how it all worked out.

I love them. I need them. They're the perfect mix of understanding and unsympathetic - they'll let me complain and cry about whatever I need to, then ask if I'm done bitching and tell me to move on.

Oh, and Anja bought Geoff and I our first official baby toy - an adorable rattle with a bear and a butterfly (I'll post a picture later). Kari-Ann brought me my first official article of maternity gear, 'for when I start getting too fat to button up my jeans.'

Guess that means this is really happening! I'm so happy :)

PS - Update on how I'm feeling... Today is not as good as yesterday, but not as bad as the end of last week. I'll take it. Breakfast was out of the question today, but I've spent the morning happily working my way through the soy chai latte Geoff brought me this morning that's literally the size of my head. I'm hoping and praying that the nausea is winding down, but I haven't really gained weight yet - so maybe it's not all bad?

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Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Feelin' Good

THANK YOU to whoever prayed that I'd feel better soon. I only woke up three times last night - which is a miracle as far as I'm concerned. And I ate breakfast AND lunch so far today, with only minor difficulty. Woohoo! I actually kind of feel human again. Still tired, but not that absolutely ill level of exhaustion that I'd begun to feel might be my new normal.

And I'm extra excited because we just found out last night that friends of ours are expecting within a couple of weeks of us this fall. We're too far away for regular playdates, but I'm still super-happy about it. It will just be so much fun to have kids who are exactly the same age.

Erin... The title of this post was all for you, babe :)

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