runlindsayrun

Waiting for the Rain

The countdown is on. Five days until my mom goes in for surgery. From there, I don't really know what life will look like - none of us do. We know that there will be recovery after the surgery. And then we know that there will be chemo and radiation. But only God knows how that happens and how that will change all of us in the coming months.

We know the rain is coming, and we're doing our best to get ready for it.

With all of this sneaking up on us so quickly - and yet so very slowly - yesterday was not my toughest, bravest day. Not by a long shot.

I wish I could plan for these things or predict them at least a little (with enough warning to remove myself from public, anyway). Instead, I was browsing through the brand new McNally Robinson store at Polo Park after work last night - and ended up in a puddle of tears.

I'm not sure what it is exactly. I've never been good with change. And I kind of feel like EVERYTHING that touches my world is in transition right now. It feels like the world is spinning and spinning, and I can't quite keep up.

Here's the pure and honest truth: I don't want my mom to be sick. I want us all to hang out at the lake this summer and sit around a fire and go for walks and have crazy adventures with my dad in our boat - without worrying about shuttling my mom to her next chemo appointment in between, and watching her get sicker and sicker right in front of us. I want my parents to keep talking about the anniversary trip to Europe at the end of this summer that had been making them *so* excited. I want to talk to my brother and sister and laugh hysterically about nothing important without having it feel like we're trying too hard. I want to be excited about this new baby with my mom, without any strings attached - those dark, secret, horrible questions no one's brave enough to ask about whether she'll be in the middle of chemo or radiation when we really need her this fall.

It feels like there's this ugly dark cloud hanging over everything, threatening to ruin our picnic. I've been carrying that mental image with me that last couple of days. And then I heard that Rhianna song on the radio - the one I want to hate, but can't - about how even though it's raining more than ever, we have each other and you can stand under my umbrella (ella... ella... eh... eh... eh... :)

And as ridiculous as it may sound to draw inspiration from a Rhianna song (and, believe me, it is), my mental image shifted in that moment - and where I'd previously seen my family huddled together on an exposed hilltop, just waiting for those clouds to unleash their fury, I now saw all the people standing around us holding their umbrellas overtop.

It doesn't matter that the forecast calls for rain on Tuesday. We're covered.



When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath, I'll stick it out to the end

Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

Labels: Can You Handle The Truth?, Family, My Life, The C Word

posted by Lindsay @ 11:59 AM