Thursday, April 03, 2008

Waiting for the Rain

The countdown is on. Five days until my mom goes in for surgery. From there, I don't really know what life will look like - none of us do. We know that there will be recovery after the surgery. And then we know that there will be chemo and radiation. But only God knows how that happens and how that will change all of us in the coming months.

We know the rain is coming, and we're doing our best to get ready for it.

With all of this sneaking up on us so quickly - and yet so very slowly - yesterday was not my toughest, bravest day. Not by a long shot.

I wish I could plan for these things or predict them at least a little (with enough warning to remove myself from public, anyway). Instead, I was browsing through the brand new McNally Robinson store at Polo Park after work last night - and ended up in a puddle of tears.

I'm not sure what it is exactly. I've never been good with change. And I kind of feel like EVERYTHING that touches my world is in transition right now. It feels like the world is spinning and spinning, and I can't quite keep up.

Here's the pure and honest truth: I don't want my mom to be sick. I want us all to hang out at the lake this summer and sit around a fire and go for walks and have crazy adventures with my dad in our boat - without worrying about shuttling my mom to her next chemo appointment in between, and watching her get sicker and sicker right in front of us. I want my parents to keep talking about the anniversary trip to Europe at the end of this summer that had been making them *so* excited. I want to talk to my brother and sister and laugh hysterically about nothing important without having it feel like we're trying too hard. I want to be excited about this new baby with my mom, without any strings attached - those dark, secret, horrible questions no one's brave enough to ask about whether she'll be in the middle of chemo or radiation when we really need her this fall.

It feels like there's this ugly dark cloud hanging over everything, threatening to ruin our picnic. I've been carrying that mental image with me that last couple of days. And then I heard that Rhianna song on the radio - the one I want to hate, but can't - about how even though it's raining more than ever, we have each other and you can stand under my umbrella (ella... ella... eh... eh... eh... :)

And as ridiculous as it may sound to draw inspiration from a Rhianna song (and, believe me, it is), my mental image shifted in that moment - and where I'd previously seen my family huddled together on an exposed hilltop, just waiting for those clouds to unleash their fury, I now saw all the people standing around us holding their umbrellas overtop.

It doesn't matter that the forecast calls for rain on Tuesday. We're covered.



When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath, I'll stick it out to the end

Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

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5 Comments:

At April 03, 2008 3:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, I'm crying again. Stop that! That song is going to make me think of you every time I hear it. I'm holding my umbrella up for you!

 
At April 03, 2008 3:55 PM, Blogger Black Out Photography said...

At the risk of being candid...I wish this wasn't happening. This sucks. It's hard to smile without feeling guilty. It's hard to laugh when all I want to do is cry. It's hard to sleep at night while my mind is racing. I feel like avoiding is better than dealing right now. Some days it's more than I can take. most days. I think you're stronger than I could ever be, and your outlook on this, though not so sunny, is more optimistic than my mind will allow at this point. Sometimes space is a good thing to re-evaluate your thoughts - but I'm scared of turning into a hobo.

 
At April 04, 2008 8:18 AM, Blogger Crystal said...

**hugs**

 
At April 04, 2008 9:55 AM, Blogger it's a gong show... said...

my prayers are with you.

 
At April 04, 2008 7:01 PM, Blogger gloria said...

i just don't even know where to talk and where to stay silent and just pray...

 

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