For her birthday, Briony got a pile of animal hand puppets from Katie - and a fabulous Olivia themed dress up set from Amber. The result was a super funny 'playdate' with Geoff and Paul after dinner last weekend...
This has been one of the hardest weeks I’ve had in a while.
I’m not even sure why. We started out with such wonderful intentions. But work EXPLODED for me this week - to the point where I cried about it. Kind of a lot. And then Briony’s been higher maintenance than usual. And then I flared up to the point where walking became incredibly difficult. And then Geoff’s recovery kind of took a baby step back in terms of pain. And then I got sick - real, old fashioned cold + flu sick.
Oh, and did I mention that this weekend is Briony’s birthday party AND Geoff’s birthday? OF COURSE IT IS.
I’m not really proud to admit that I crumbled. The other day just before dinner time, I ended up in bed in the dark, sobbing and seriously considering never getting out of bed again.
But I did.
And we’re doing our best over here. Fortunately, our incredible friends and family have stepped up and helped ‘our best’ be more than enough this week. My mom came and did laundry, a few people surprised us with food, and Emily took me grocery shopping last night (and even unpacked it all into my fridge + cupboards when we got home).
Briony’s party - and our modest little birthday celebration for Geoff - won’t be *quite* everything I hoped and dreamed they would be. The house isn’t going to be as clean as I’d like it to be. And that’s okay. I’m looking forward to this weekend, and celebrating the two people in this world who took me from ‘just me’ to a full-on little family - and make every day totally worth getting out of bed for.
Well, it's true. Yesterday was one of those days that was nonstop starting at 7 am and ending... I don't even know when. Late. I don't think I sat down once until well after 8 pm - and my day included a bunch of errands and a 90 minute walking tour during a client meeting.
So BIG FREAKING SURPRISE, I woke up in a ridiculous amount of pain this morning. Geoff was long gone to work already and I lay in bed, assessing the situation and listening to Briony waking up, when I realized that I had a choice to make. And I made it. I got Briony out of her crib, went downstairs, and made an awesome pancake breakfast for us which we ate giggling in our pyjamas.
We were still in pyjamas (and had coloured about a hundred pictures) when Emily arrived two hours later, but we quickly made ourselves a little more presentable and the three of us set off for the playground via Starbucks. Briony had some lunch at home and then went down for a nap while Paul played Sushi Delivery Boy and joined Emily + I for lunch.
After they left, I managed to have a shower and get dinner into the slow cooker before Briony's nap ended. And then after dinner, we were colouring again when Christine, Amber, and Dolly showed up for girls night here. While we all caught up on each other's lives - and in between Briony treating us to various renditions of 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' - they even managed to help me get the kitchen cleaned up and a cake baked to take to the lake tomorrow.
I'm still tired. I'm still in lots and lots of pain. But I am so very glad that I made the choice that I did this morning. Today could have turned out very differently. I would have ended up tired and in pain anyway, but I would have missed all the good.
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength. Loving someone deeply gives you courage." (Lao Tzu)
I'm kind of a mess today. It's hard to manage client deadlines when you know that your best friend is on her way to go say a final goodbye to her dad. My heart hurts. If you're visiting my blog today, please say a quick prayer for Emily and her family so they're covered in the strength and courage they need to get through this very, very tough day.
I'm in a little bit of a funk today. I woke up feeling about a hundred pounds heavier than usual - heavy with sadness. Interestingly, I feel like all my tears dried up overnight. I know they'll be back, but for now, I'm just SAD.
To distract me, we have Katie here to play with Briony while Geoff + I work on cleaning up our basement. It's something we've been needing to do for a long time - it's been used purely for storage since we moved in, but it should really be functioning as a guest room. And I think it's the perfect project to keep me busy but not thinking too much about anything.
Emily + Paul came over this morning. There aren't any words to describe how much it hurts to see a friend in so much pain - especially one who's more sister than friend to me. My heart is broken into a thousand pieces for Emily and her entire family over the very sudden and unexpected passing of her dad last night. It was so good for me to see her, to be able to deliver a hug and make some tea and do SOMETHING.
I want to fix it. I want to make it better. I want to help... But there are no words and nothing I can do. My heart hurts so much, there is physical pain - and I ache to imagine the depths of what my sister is feeling.
So far, I have a chicken roasting in the oven (with mashed potatoes + stuffing + the works) and big plans for homemade soup and freshly baked cookies. Comfort food that brings no comfort whatsoever. But it still feels strangely therapeutic to me today.
Last night, I had an opportunity to do something kind of special. Emily + I attended my friend Anja's art show opening - 99 Pieces of Art on the Wall - at cre8ery. It was interesting to see the work of so many local artists in so many mediums, but what made it special was getting to see Anja's work in that setting. It was incredible to me that I could spot one of her photographs or paintings from across the room and know that it was hers. And I finally got to see her studio space there, which was very important to me.
Anja pursues creative expression like no one else I've ever met. It's so naturally and authentically a part of her, and it makes me so proud to be able to call her a friend (and so inspired to pursue new ways of expressing my own creativity in my own way). I'm also - somewhat selfishly - very excited that Briony can grow up around her Auntie Anja and be exposed to art in this way.
You can take a look at some of Anja's work on her Anja Studios blog. And definitely check out the show during its run between now and September 3.
Are you sick of hearing me brag about my friends? TOO BAD. Because I'm nowhere near finished.
I woke up bitchy today. Well, it's true. I was mad about how lousy I felt, mad at Geoff for not being able to read my mind, mad at the world for being so annoying... But it's kind of amazing how a day can turn around.
Today, I received a random surprise delivery of flowers + a caramel macchiato from a friend who knows what a tough week it's been around here. This delivery occurred while I was out with another friend who knows what a tough week it's been around here (while Geoff watched Briony for a couple of hours because he knows what a tough week it's been around here).
It's incredible how these small, spontaneous gestures can so absolutely and completely turn a frown upside down.
Today is shaping up to be an imperfect trifecta of epic proportions: an epic level of stress, an epic level of pain, and an epic level of fatigue. I'm working very hard to remember that how I feel and respond to this is ALWAYS my choice.
I'm also working very hard not to *choose* to yell at people and kick them :)
I know I've been quiet lately - both on my blog and in my life. I'm not entirely sure why, but I've just been feeling a little more introverted than usual these days. I'm not hiding, but I think that part of me just doesn't want to subject other people to this.
This flare is exhausting me, and October's specialist appointment still feels awfully far away. I feel like I'm just barely managing to survive each day, and completely incapable of accomplishing anything more than that day's minimum. If you know me, you know that I HATE THAT.
It's wearing me down. But as I told Emily yesterday, even with these challenges (and they are seriously challenging me right now), my life is still full of every component of happiness. Whether I gather all those components together and choose to make it a happy life is my decision. And I do choose that. I'm just needing to redefine what a happy life looks like when I'm sick. And that process has been intensely personal - full of tears and frustration and a little bit of a broken heart.
But you know what helps me feel a little less broken? Going to see 'Eat Pray Love' last night with a couple of dear friends who've also read the book, and having a nerdalicious book vs movie discussion at Starbucks after. A husband who went to the theatre earlier in the day to pick up tickets so that I didn't need to wait in line. Putting together my old travel information to help Katie plan a trip to London. A surprise knock on my door from Christine, bearing flowers and a card and a hug just to let me know that she cares about what I'm going through.
I'll make it through simply because I'm not doing this alone. And because I'm so determined to do SO MUCH MORE than just survive this.
OH MY GOSH did I ever need this past weekend. Life has just been coming at me a million miles an hour lately and by the end of last week I must have been a total treat to be around... Sarcasm, my friends.
This was EXACTLY what I had been needing. Emily, Melanie, Kathy, and I met up *early* on Saturday morning (thank you, Paul!) and began our roadtrip down to Minneapolis. I seriously think we talked the entire way there, pausing only to sip some Starbucks or have a quick bathroom break.
Have I mentioned recently how much I love drama-free girls? The only drama on the way down was the nasty-looking sky. I've never been more worried about a tornado in my life, and after arriving safely in Minneapolis, we saw on the news that there had actually been a couple of touch-downs in that area just after we drove through. SHUDDER. The weather was ominous in the city and the sky was black as night in the middle of the evening, but we were troopers and headed out to Ikea anyway (hehe).
After a bit of a lazy start, Sunday was spent at the Mall of America and then at Lilith. Ah, Lilith... You did not disappoint me in any way. We took in performances by Metric, Kate Nash, Court Yard Hounds (two-thirds of the Dixie Chicks), Heart, Mary J Blige, and Sarah McLachlan. It would have been fun to see ALL the performers - there were a few more earlier in the day - but there was no way I was up to that. The ones we saw were incredible, the only exception being Kate Nash. Her voice was awesome, but honestly, her attitude was so repulsive that the music didn't even matter anymore.
I was struck by how these musicians - with the exception of Kate - were all so grateful to be there and so in love with what they were doing. They were all STRONG women, in their own totally unique ways, and sharing their incredible musical gifts in their own totally unique styles. We heard almost every kind of music, without a single bad note. It was awesome, and the little bit of feminism that resides in my heart was smiling. There was a lot of singing, a lot of dancing, and a lot of screaming. Awesomeness.
After the concert, we caught the train back out of downtown and stopped off for a late-night snack before crashing WAY TOO LATE. As a result, the morning was a little sluggish, but we were on the road in decent time and did some moderate damage at the outlets in Albertville before hitting the road for real. We were again delayed because of bizarre (and kind of dangerous) circumstances - there was a major accident that shut down the I-94 and forced us to take a pretty major detour. We eventually arrived home, tired but happy.
It was a great weekend. It reminded me how important it is to maintain my own friendships and take time out for myself every once in a while - reconnecting with the things I loved to do before I was Lindsay the Wife and Lindsay the Mom, and just be Lindsay for a bit. I forgot how much I like her. I laughed a lot this weekend.
Cheers to Kathy for braving the hotel lounge with Mel and I in yoga pants and no makeup... hehe. It meant so much to be able to spend some real time with you, my friend. You are one of the most beautiful people I've been lucky enough to know.
Cheers to Mel for helping me sing my way through most of the Glee soundtrack on the way home. Life has gotten so busy, and you are one of those friends who I don't see nearly often enough - but when we do, it feels just like always. I love that.
Cheers to Emily for being your lovely, flexible self and for an entire weekend of Lindsay + Emily time. I miss you so much when we get so busy. You're one of those friends who just loves me unconditionally exactly where I am, and that's *so* special.
And, of course, cheers to Geoff for giving me such an incredible birthday gift :)
We spent the morning at Fort Whyte with Emily + Paul today, walking around and soaking up sunshine - and the closest thing to a lake experience us city folk can get without actually driving out to the lake. It's kind of a magical place (minus the random building full of taxidermied animals... WHY). We had such a great time. Briony's a lucky girl to have such a fabulous *bonus* aunt and uncle in Emily + Paul.
Geoff gave Briony a bite of brownie on the way to the lake... I didn't notice until I looked back and - ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! This is after I'd already used an entire wipe. Gah. I am *so* not the fun parent. And this is photographic evidence to explain WHY:
Fun with Grandpa + Dada:
Crazy almost-naked baby on the loose in the camper...
We're on a boat!
Fun on the beach:
Crazy deer who is not at all afraid of humans (note that this particular human is definitely afraid of IT, or more specifically that it might bite, lick, or get within ten thousand feet of my daughter):
Briony + Grandpa:
This is our official 'after' photo from the drive home :)
Today was kind of incredible. I'm still making slow and steady progress - I'd say my pain has now been cut in half from when I started on my meds again, though I'm dealing with some pretty frustrating side effects. What made my day incredible was the support I felt from so many people. Geoff had to work today, but my friend Kathy came and spent the day with Briony + I. Then my friend Christine came and took the evening shift. During the day, yet another friend emailed to see if she could drop off any groceries for us. And I've had *so* many encouraging messages hit my inbox. There is no way we could be doing this on our own. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to feel this level of love and support from our friends.
Now I'm getting ready for an extra-long weekend at the lake - four days beginning tomorrow. Four days set aside to heal my body and celebrate my birthday with the people in this world who are most important to me.
This Monday, I am having my last birthday ever (the last one I'll ever admit to, anyway). Turning 29 feels strange, but only because it's the last birthday before I turn 30. And 30 scares me, but not for the reasons you might think. I'm actually really excited to begin my 30s... But the year I'm 30 will also be the year I 'celebrate' 20 years of living with a chronic illness. Crazy, isn't it? There are *so* many emotions attached to that, and even more given the events of this past week. We're toying with the idea of doing something BIG to ensure that it's a true celebration, because there really is *so* much to celebrate in my life... You'll be hearing more about this as the time approaches, I'm sure.
In some ways, it's scary to celebrate a birthday in the middle of this mess. It kind of makes me wonder what we're in for this year. In other ways, it's okay because - no matter what happens - my life is so very full of love. And really, what more can a girl ask for?
Now that we're less than three weeks away from my girls roadtrip weekend with Emily, Kathy, and Mel to check out Lilith Fair in Minneapolis, I can't resist putting together a little 'Countdown to Lilith' series. Can you tell that I'm just a LITTLE BIT excited? :)
First up is the lovely Kate Nash. I have a little bit of a love/hate relationship with Ms Nash. I'm relatively certain that I would have been a huge fan if she'd appeared on the music scene when I was a teenager. But she didn't. And so she's become a little bit of a guilty pleasure artist for me when I'm in the right mood. In the right mood, I quite enjoy reliving my college years in all their glorious angst. In the wrong mood, she's an annoying little sister and I REALLY want her to practice her guitar in the garage instead of in front of the mirror in the bedroom we share.
That said, her style is kind of adorable and her songwriting is creative and fun. It will be interesting to see her live because she's definitely on my list of artists who I have my doubts about... She could surprise me and be incredible live. Or she could sound like s#*t. And happily, there is only one way to find out.
My very favourite Kate Nash song is 'Nicest Thing' - to me, it's one of the most honest 'I wish you loved me back' songs ever. And if you've survived your college years, you know that there's always room for one more song like that (pass the Arbor Mist and a box of tissues, please... hehe).
What a lovely weekend. And now - BAM! - it's back to reality. We'll be on the west coast in less than 48 hours and HOLY CRAP do I have a lot to do to get us all ready.
But first, let's dwell on the lovely. Emily and I spend Saturday and Sunday at the Fort Garry Hotel for a belated celebration of her 30th birthday. We checked in, enjoyed a cup of tea, and then headed downstairs in the hotel for a two-hour vinyasa yoga class. I'm often skeptical of new instructors, but these ones were good - and I surprised myself by not only surviving but enjoying my first ever two-hour class.
As an aside, the time and money I spent doing one-on-one sessions with a yoga instructor -slash- physiotherapist to learn how to modify postures to work for my disease-ridden body was maybe the best thing I've ever done for myself. I've always enjoyed yoga, but that knowledge has taken it to a whole new level for me. And it's given me the confidence to just do my own thing during larger group classes when I need to without spending a single ounce of energy worrying or caring about what other people in the class are thinking. I suspect that attitude and confidence has also transferred to my life outside the yoga studio... But I digress. That's another whole blog post someday.
Back to our weekend. After yoga, we walked over to The Forks to pick up some snacks from the market and then we went back to the hotel for dinner. From there, we started to get ready for our spa appointment. Around 8 pm, we headed up to the Ten Spa for our Hamam treatments. I don't know how I've lived 28 (almost 29) years of my life without experiencing this - and I'm no stranger to the spa. It was all hot and steamy and twinkly and AHHH...
From there, it was full-on Girls Night with a cheesy girly movie, a bottle of wine, and snacks in our room. The morning held just enough time for sleep and a quick Starbucks run before we got ready for our ninety-minute relaxation yoga class (think lots of sloooow breathing and five-minute stretches). Any part of me that was still sore from the first class was feeling pretty darn amazing after the second class. With the hamam in between, it was a perfectly balanced weekend. We headed back to our room to change and pack before meeting our boys for the hotel's infamous Sunday Brunch.
It was a lovely weekend. Oh wait, did I say that already?? :)
Of course, as soon as we were back at home, it was back to real life and I spent an hour with Geoff working on the yard - the perfect antidote to a spa and yoga weekend (hehe). It was so good for my heart to see how excited Briony was to see me. It was our first night apart other than my gallbladder fiasco when, if you recall, she had a vicious stomach flu at my parents' place (I'M STILL SORRY, MOM!). That attachment was not by design, but I just feel better when she's close by. This was probably good practice for my Girls WEEKEND away in July.
The long weekend was capped off by a daytrip out to the lake to visit my parents yesterday. Lovely.
And then my alarm went off this morning, yelling at me to go to work. I did so grudgingly, but with a glorious knowledge that this is my last trip into the office until we get back near the end of June. Here's hoping a combination of four shots of espresso and leftover zen from my lovely weekend can carry me through until we're sitting on a taxiing airplane very early on Thursday morning.
Today is Geoff's last shift for an entire MONTH. We made it! And now our reward will be lots and lots of family time (most of it spent in and around Vancouver).
Tomorrow, Emily and I are headed to the Hotel Fort Garry for a sleepover packed with girly awesomeness - including two yoga classes and a visit to the Ten Spa. And it's all being capped off with the hotel's Sunday Brunch with our boys.
If it's nice, we'll head out to the lake for the day on Monday.
Oh, and then there's the secret... Which is not as big of a deal as it's turning into, but I'm quite enjoying torturing you all :)
I can't find my umbrella. What's the point in doing your hair in the morning when it's raining and you can't find your umbrella? Stupid. Talk about a wasted spoon.
I have a secret. I really like the days when I come into work. Of course, I miss Briony like crazy, but it's kind of fabulous to drink Starbucks + wear grown-up shoes + talk about smart things for a few hours at a time. It's always this huge deal to actually get myself out the door, downtown, parked, and into the office - but all the effort is so totally worth it when I get there. It's been such an amazing journey to discover that I still really love what I do.
Today was supposed to be Estate Planning Day, but the lady we were scheduled to meet with has the flu. I was REALLY looking forward to just getting it over with and crossing it off our list, but it looks like it will need to wait until later in the month.
This is seriously the flare that will not end... I am SO sick of feeling like shit. I spend most of every day fantasizing about swallowing a handful of pills, crawling back into bed, and staying there until next week.
I married someone great. I used to really freak out when I flared up, worrying about how it affected our relationship and thinking secretly that I wouldn't blame him at all for wanting out. But that's not Geoff. And it makes every flare up feel so much more manageable to just let go of that fear. I'm sure there are other girls with chronic illnesses who aren't as lucky.
Our dryer is not going to be fixed for at least another week. But that's fine. It's not like we have A BABY LIVING WITH US or anything like that. I get that this is an opportunity to be more environmentally friendly and all that jazz, but in case you haven't noticed, it's RAINING. And the whole clothes-hanging-everywhere-to-dry thing is getting kind of old. Actually, it makes me insane. And there are not enough anti-anxiety meds in the world to make me okay with it. (Mom, I'm bringing laundry over to your house after the weekend, okay? Thanks.)
The barista at Starbucks this morning knew my order. I know it probably means that we spend too much money at Starbucks, but I don't care. It made me so happy. And besides, this is totally why I work - to pay for all the fun stuff.
And speaking of fun stuff... We're working on finalizing plans, but in exactly one month from now, Geoff + Briony + I will be in Whistler for the weekend with Rob + Vicky + Ava. I am so excited. It's always so great to spend time with them (and when we spend the entire weekend together, it actually feels like we snuck in some quality time instead of just speed-dating-style conversation chunks in between running after toddlers). And what better place to hang out than Whistler? Looking forward to some beautiful scenery and lots of time to relax.
I've been missing my house key for two days and counting, and it has seriously been stressing me out. I just found it in my lunch bag, underneath the lining. OF COURSE (note the obvious sarcasm).
When Briony was born, we got a ton of cards. They're all in a basket in her room and she LOVES to play with them - especially because so many of them have pictures of babies and/or things that babies like. But her very favourite card is the one we got from Emily + Paul because it plays part of Louis Armstrong's 'What a Wonderful World' when you open it up. I've heard the same two lines of that song about a kajillion times because she'll just keep opening it and closing it to loop it incessantly. It would be annoying except that (a) it's kind of a great song, and (b) she has a special dance that she does just for this song, kind of swaying back and forth with a huge grin on her face. Even if I'm not in the room, I know exactly what she's doing when I hear the song playing. This morning, she was playing with it - and doing her special little dance - while we snuggled and she had a bottle. I had been super stressed about needing to get ready for work and considering handing her off to Geoff instead of doing the whole morning bottle thing, but it was exactly what I needed to put the rest of my day in perspective. The world really is kind of wonderful, isn't it? :)
For the past couple of years, my good friend Mel has organized a team for the MS Walk in honour of her mother-in-law. I have always wanted to go and support them but it never seems to work out. We're always busy that day or gone for the weekend or SOMETHING. This year, the calendar was wide open - other than Geoff working all weekend - and so I signed up to participate with Briony.
It was pretty much as hard as I thought it would be. I'm sure there are moms who would scoff at the idea that going and doing a 3k walk that starts and finishes less than five minutes from your house could be 'difficult'... But it was a big deal for me. EVERYTHING is a big deal with you live with chronic disease + a toddler. Getting through one day at home alone with Briony always leaves me crying happy tears on the couch at the end of the day because it's such a massive accomplishment. And so I knew that this would be big.
So we woke up, had breakfast, and got ready to go. We got there without any drama at all, Briony giggling and chattering away in the backseat, and I even managed to swing through the Starbucks drive-through. We met up with the rest of Team Irma and Briony did great until about half a kilometre from the end of the walk. Her late bedtime the night before was catching up with her big time. Between my friends Kathy and Emily and I, we carried her the short distance to the end.
The entire team went for brunch after the walk and Kathy came with me to help get Briony and the stroller and all our assorted baby gear into the car (and then back out again a few blocks later). Briony didn't do great at brunch - it was SERIOUSLY nap time - but she managed to pretty much hold it together until we were finishing up.
The whole morning, I was struck by the enormity of our village. Not our literal village, of course, but the incredible people in our lives who will just step up and help without even thinking about it. While we were all there for Irma, it was good for my soul too. Some of us walk very difficult paths, but we are never walking alone. Irma saw that demonstrated physically today as we all walked together to support MS. But I saw it demonstrated in a thousand tiny and practical ways today. It makes me realize that I can absolutely do this - but not on my own. And I think that's how it should be.
As a special bonus, at one point this morning I realized that I was walking with the three girls who are coming to Lilith Fair with me this summer. It's going to be an awesome weekend, and I can hardly wait :)
Briony + Mr Whiskers at the MS Walk, hiding from paparazzi.
Sharing the journey that has taken me from being a single girl in the advertising agency world to a married mommy running my own freelance writing and consulting business (and every random adventure in between).
THINGS I LOVE: Thunderstorms, power ballads, princess camping, exploring new cities, Jon Stewart, greatest hits CDs, clever ads, packing for a trip, George Clooney, impractical footwear, movies about spies, Starbucks, reading an entire book in one sitting, a house full of friends, movies about spies, buying presents, a perfect French manicure, warm modernist architecture, getting flowers for no reason, being faux brunette, Mary Poppins, making lists on Post-It notes, decorating for Christmas, having a brilliant middle-of-the-night 'aha!' idea and then actually remembering it in the morning / THINGS I HATE: People who whine, wearing sweats in public, 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner, birds, American tourists in foreign countries, taking down the Christmas tree, poems that rhyme, the misuse of semicolons, being lied to, unpacking after a trip, being closed-minded, naming your kid something common but then spelling it stupidly, cowboys, overly cautious drivers, fake curse words, ridiculously long surnames, strangers who start awkward conversations with you in places you can't readily escape
