I read this fascinating story today about a man who was told he had months to live, spent his life savings crossing things off his bucket list, and then found out he had been misdiagnosed.
I can't decide if that would be the best or worst possible thing to happen to a person.
What do you think? And what would you blow your savings on if you saw the end coming?
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
TIME magazine ran a fabulous cover story a few months ago about only children. Geoff came home with the magazine when he saw it on a newsstand and I was super excited to find the article online so I could share it with others. There are so many points in this article that we relate to, I actually cried the first time I read it because I didn't feel so alone in our desire to call our family complete anymore.
The Coles Notes version? Briony's going to be just fine :)
A friend of a friend passed away today. He was in his 30s, engaged to be married, and diagnosed unexpectedly with terminal leukemia. He lived only a few weeks after his diagnosis.
Kind of puts things in sobering perspective, doesn't it? This week has been tough. Really tough. But not compared with others' struggles. Stories like this one literally make my heart hurt, and in the next breath I'm grateful for that very heartbeat - overwhelmed by all of God's goodness and everything he's given to me, grateful to be living another day with my husband and my daughter, even when those days are tough.
"I'm so tired of standing on the edge of myself. You know I'm longing for it, to dive in..." - Jennifer Knapp
Lately, I've been obsessed with the idea that this - right here, right now - should be the happiest time of my life. I have a husband who loves me. I have a healthy, happy, beautiful daughter. I have a job that allows me to spend lots of time with both of them (and some clients who I'm beyond thrilled to be working with). I have a supportive family and generous, encouraging friends. I even managed to finish school this summer. Granted, my health is a challenge that probably factors into all of this... But overall, my life is great. So why I am so utterly incapable of just letting go and enjoying it?
It's not that I'm UNhappy. That's not it at all. But I wish that I could just stop and embrace and truly appreciate all the wonderful things in my life right now.
On the recommendation of a friend (thanks Nicole!), I've been working my way through The Happiness Project. I'm about halfway through a whirlwind read, but I can already tell that I'll be going back and giving each chapter and slow and thoughtful second read.
The author - Gretchen Rubin - talks a lot about her quest to just be Gretchen. That idea has made me think so much about what it would look like in my life to just be Lindsay. If I worried less about what I think others expect from me, what would fall away and what would take higher priority in my life right now?
I want to embrace my full Lindsay-ness. Exactly how I'll accomplish that remains to be seen. But I suspect a personal Happiness Project of sorts may be in the works...
Yeah. That is so just a photo snagged from the internet... As if Lindsay has fun mugs like that (hehe).
I read this earlier in the week and I've been back a bunch more times to read it again - a lovely little post from Redhead Writing entitled How Avocados Changed My Life and Other Work-Life Bullshit (I'm going to add a PG13 warning to this link).
How many times have we missed out on something just because we're scared? Or decided that we didn't like something - without ever even giving it a chance?
So many times, I feel myself pursuing things that I don't even necessarily WANT - but I feel pressure to want them anyway just because I SHOULD. The more birthdays I have, the better I get at sorting through all the crap to find the heart of the matter and figuring out what I want. It's a good thing I still have so many more birthdays to go :)
This is my life. I can't control everything about it, but I can choose how I live it. I am so grateful to have married a man who supports me wholeheartedly in this pursuit, and whose journey parallels mine in so many ways.
I'm going to stop saying SHOULD. And I'm going to eat more avocados (they are SO YUMMY).
Know how they say that you should do one thing every day that scares you? I should be good for a while, I'm thinking, because I did something today that scared the s&$# out of me.
I grew up making frequent summertime visits to Big Whiteshell Lake. There's a huge rock there by the water where people jump into the lake. It's probably only ten feet high, but it scared me SO MUCH when I was little. It still makes my hands sweaty to think about it. I jumped... Many times. And there's really nothing quite like that feeling of flying through the air, full of adrenaline and so much LIFE. The sad thing is that I'm all grown up now, and I think I'm probably too scared to ever do it again.
There's nothing really earth-shattering about jumping off a rock into a lake. But we face opportunities to make risky decisions of all scales every single day - whether it's pursuing a dream or trying something new at Starbucks (I'm still working my way up to that one).
Nothing annoys me more than someone who sits complacently, just waiting for great things to happen to them (and complaining about it when nothing changes). So today - with a stomach full of butterflies - I took a little jump. It might land me right back where I started. Or it could the start of something beautiful. Either way, I can live with the wonderful knowledge that I tried. And that's really all we can do.
What have you done that's scared you? What scary thing have you been contemplating - and what's stopping you from jumping?
I am honestly starting to believe that there are no wrong decisions in life, merely decisions that land you in a different place than you might have ended up otherwise. My life has been built from a string of things I did not necessarily plan - and I love my life. It takes a lot for this Type A to admit that it's turning out better than I could have planned it myself.
Today, I've been thinking a lot about change and transitions. Nothing super deep, and probably a lot to do with the fact that I'm trying to finish up the last paper for my course this week. This fall, I will graduate from a program I've been plugging away at since 2002. Kind of bizarre from someone who finds a little part of her identity in being a student.
But I don't think that's all... For the last little while, I have definitely been feeling that something is about to change - and it's giving me butterflies. I don't know what or why or how, and I don't know if it's going to be soon or if God is just laying the groundwork for something in my future. Maybe it's just a change in my understanding of who I am.
Something is coming. And I'm a little bit excited to find out what.
OH MY GOSH. Do you remember this baby? I love her. She was full up to her fuzzy mostly-bald head with giggles and cuddles. And I spent large portions of every day kissing those ridiculous baby rolls.
This photo was taken on her first trip to the zoo last July. I can't believe how much she's grown up. But don't get me wrong... As much as I love this baby, I REALLY love my toddler. Looking back on this photo is total evidence that we did it - WE SURVIVED THE BABY STAGE. Yay Geoff + Lindsay!
This concludes today's entirely self-indulgent blog post :)
When we leave the lake, I usually feel sad. When we pull into our back lane, I usually feel excited. When we walk in the back door, I usually feel overwhelmed. Real life just hits you SO FAST. There was dinner to scavenge for, laundry to sort, a dishwasher to unload (and before long, to reload), messages to listen to, bills to open and pay... And I know that I'll be hit with a tsunami of work and school stuff first thing tomorrow.
An hour or so later, I found myself in the kitchen - emptying and reloading the dishwasher, washing Briony's sippy cups, starting a grocery list for tomorrow... And I took a second to just let it all sink in. These were all the things I wanted SO DESPERATELY to be able to do last week while I was deep in the valley of a flare, too sick to take care of myself nevermind my family. And today, I was doing them. I found my eyes filling up with happy tears, so full of gratitude that it was just literally spilling out of me. Over DISHES.
I don't expect this feeling to last forever (or even until the end of this week), but I hope that I'll remember when it counts.
This is *far* from the first time I've talked about how much I appreciate ChronicBabe.com (and Jenni, the fabulous ChronicBabe who runs it). I got my weekly newsletter today and it just got me RIGHT HERE and summed up exactly what I've been trying to figure out how to say about this latest complication in my life - and how I'm trying to deal with it. I got Jenni's permission to share the whole thing here, in hopes that I'm not the only one out there who will find encouragement in her words.
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“You can’t live your whole life in passive voice,” my pal Amanda said recently. We were talking about how complicated life gets and how easy it can be to blame outside forces for all the negativity we experience. There are some people who walk through this life feeling like victims, getting overwhelmed and frustrated by bad circumstances - and letting those situations get the best of them.
Those people are living in passive voice. They focus on what happened to them, what someone else did, what they were told to do. When you’re sick, and tired, it’s easy to fall into that rhythm; once you’re there, it’s hard to get out of it. And then you become a victim, someone to whom life just happens.
Now please don’t misunderstand. I’m not trying to say we aren’t allowed to get pissed off or depressed about things that happen. Of course we are! But when that’s ALL we can see, when we can’t ALSO see what WE can do about our situation, then we’re in trouble.
But you’re here, reading this and working on being a ChronicBabe - and that means you’re not living in passive voice. You’re not just letting life happen to you. You’re a fighter! A rock star! A creative thinker who’s looking for solutions! You’re fabulous! You’re a ChronicBabe!
I get really excited about this subject because it holds so much power. When we develop the ability to step back a little, to see the bigger picture of our situation, we not only see what has happened to us; we begin to see what we can do to make our lives better. We see the people surrounding us, who can help us in many ways. We see that we’re able to change, adapt, and grow emotionally. That we can get stronger. That we can take charge of the direction of our life.
Yes, you are sick. Yes, that sucks. Yes, there are other frustrating forces in your life. I can relate. There are some days when it feels like too much, and I want to blame someone else for my situation. I want to blame someone (or something) else for making me late to a meeting, or for eating candy when I should be eating an apple, or for not landing the freelance writing gig I badly wanted. But if I sit back and blame something else, I become a victim, and then I’m living in passive voice - I’m just letting life roll over me, not taking responsibility for what I can do. What I CAN do is set a second alarm clock so I’m not late, I can buy fruit at the nearby farmer’s market so I have healthy snacks in the house, and I can work harder to create presentations that impress clients with my awesomeness. I don’t have total control over my situation, but I can do SOMETHING.
This is a big piece of the ChronicBabe puzzle, Babes. Do not live in the passive voice. Do not take the easy route and play victim to your circumstances. When you can, stand back and observe. Find your options, and take charge of the things you can change or improve. It’s not usually the easy way, but trust me: You’ll feel better for taking responsibility, and for being an active participant in your life. I promise to keep practicing what I preach! (And I know my pals will call me on my B.S. if I don’t.)
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Need some ChronicBabe wisdom in your life? You can sign up to receive Jenni's weekly newsletters in your own inbox http://www.chronicbabe.com/media/newsletters (and I highly recommend it).
My friend Trish shared this quote on Facebook today. I'm not sure of the source, but I'm very sure of its positive impact on me today.
"It is not your role to make others happy; it is your role to keep yourself in balance. When you pay attention to how you feel and practice self-empowering thoughts that align with who you really are, you will offer an example of thriving that will be of tremendous value to those who have the benefit of observing you."
I've been working a lot lately on spending my time consciously - on working more efficiently so that I have more time and energy left for MY LIFE. It's so freeing to start to ask questions like 'how does this fit with my goal of having a balanced life?' and 'will this make my family happier?' and 'why am I doing this in the first place?'
It's kind of amazing, actually. Yes, I'm saying NO a little more often. But by saying NO to the things that don't have a place in the life I want to live, I'm able to say YES to some other things - things that make me happy. Of course, BALANCE isn't a destination - it's a journey. But every decision I make to live my life more consciously keeps me on that path.
I think we can all do a better job of pursuing balance. This week, I'm making a promise to myself to keep my work inside boxes of dedicated Work Time - and to walk away from my laptop and live my life in between.
Do you remember Junior High? Do you remember what it felt like when those girls totally bullied you and made you feel worthless because of something you wore, someone you ate lunch with, or just not going along with the crowd? It didn't happen to me often, but it did happen... And when I think about it, my stomach still ties up into the same awful knots it did way back then when the wounds were fresh.
I can make myself feel like that. Just for having a day that is less productive than I feel it should have been. The key words in that sentence would be I FEEL and SHOULD.
Today, I am choosing to treat myself with the same grace I would offer to my friends without a second thought. Starting with not working (or stressing about work) until Briony's naptime today, and instead taking her for a walk this morning.
It's true. Our final weigh in happened on Friday morning and my team finished in the middle of the pack (again). I'm totally okay with that. My goal for this round (beginning the second week of January) was to lose 8 pounds and I lost 8.5. How can I be disappointed? It is not a big number, but it's big progress - especially when I give myself some credit and factor in being as busy as I am *and* dealing with arthritis + fibro + chronic fatigue. I'm actually kind of proud of myself.
I've updated my little weight loss ticker on here to reflect my progress since September 2009 - and my overall goal weight for December 2010. There are no immediate plans for another round of Biggest Loser-style competition, but I don't think that matters to me. I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing. If I hit my goal by the end of this year, that's awesome. If I don't, it's no big deal. If I continue to eat well and exercise in a way that's healthy and respectful of whatever my body is able to do on any given day, then my weight will sort itself out and whatever weight I am will be the weight that I am supposed to be. I honestly believe that. This 'extra' weight isn't 'extra' at all - it was necessary to grow a healthy baby. And now that I don't need it anymore, it is slowly coming off again.
Can you believe that LINDSAY actually said that? And MEANT IT? I think we should all pause for a second and celebrate that bit of progress.
There are so many positive things that have come out of these two rounds of competition for me:
1. I've started focusing on myself again. It's not just about weight loss - it's about making time for myself and taking care of ALL of me. It's about what I eat and how active I am, but it's equally about MAKING time to read a book or go for a walk or buy jeans that fit or have a bubble bath. I'd lost some of that after becoming a mommy, and I feel like I'm finding it again.
2. I'm starting to feel more comfortable in my own skin again. I still look in the mirror and see a chubby girl, but I'm hating that reflection less and less. I'm starting to appreciate my body for what it has done for me (and Briony). It's not perfect, but it's strong and capable and my respect for my body is growing every day.
3. I'm really beginning to see that I CAN DO THIS. And on the weeks that don't go according to plan, I'm okay. It's not about a weekly weigh in, it's about long term goals and making myself healthier. If I gain the odd pound along the way before losing it again, that's okay. It really is.
4. I've taken steps to take better care of myself. Part of improving my overall health was addressing some of the things that were holding me back. I'm back on meds for depression and anxiety and it's going really well, I think. I took care of an eye problem that I should have taken care of YEARS ago. And I started to see a physiotherapist for a stress incontinence issue that started after I had Briony and kept me from being able to exercise (sorry if that was TMI, but I'm learning that I can't be embarrassed about it). I still can't take up running again, and I might not ever be able to, but it's getting better - and it makes me feel like I'm in control of my body again. This was a critical step in this process for me, and one that I only finally took in February.
5. I'm seeing the first tiny signs of how these changes are all adding up to help me be a better wife, a better mommy, and a better friend. Not every day... But I can already see how being happier with myself allows me to be more available and more present in what's going on around me. Just the promise of that is pretty strong motivation to keep going with this.
More thoughts to follow on this topic, I'm sure - because this is a journey and it's far from over.
I love mornings at home with Geoff and Briony. I love everything about them. I love it when we're all on the couch together in our pyjamas, Briony with her bottle and the grown-ups sipping tea and talking about the day ahead. Every once in a while - in the middle of one of these perfectly ordinary moments - I can feel my breath catch in my chest, realizing that even though there's nothing really special about this morning, we can only live it once. It's never going to be *exactly* the same again.
Everything is moving so fast. People tell you that it will happen this way, but you have no concept of how quickly time can fly until you have a child. My baby girl looks visibly bigger and older in the last couple of weeks. Geoff swears that she grew up during the three days he was gone to work and didn't see her this week. I think he's right. And even though my days this week each stretched on FOREVER... They're gone. I can't believe it's the end of another week already.
It's overwhelming sometimes. I think it's particularly profound as we realize more with every passing week and month that our family feels complete without the second baby we both always just assumed we'd have. I boxed up most of my maternity clothes this morning to drop off with a friend who needs them, and packed up a bunch of baby things for another friend and a consignment store. We're not getting rid of everything - a thousand people have all warned us that we should wait a few more years to be absolutely certain - but I think that just knowing that our family might be complete now makes the passing of time so significant for us. We are truly living each moment, each day, each stage one time.
I sometimes wonder if that's why I've been such an emotional mommy - because I'm living the 'first time' and the 'last time' at the same time. I'm a little frightened about what the *real* milestones are going to be like. HELLO first day of kindergarten... I'm trying to wrap my head around the implications of dropping off my first baby for her first day of school and letting my last baby go at the exact same time. I should buy shares in Kleenex now to make paying for her university a breeze. GAH! University!... ;)
As I sweep the floor for the millionth time, anticipating the day when we no longer have a crawler in our house, I realize that the day Briony walks will be the end of an era for our family. I think that's why I secretly love that she hasn't started yet. It's keeping her a baby for just a little bit longer, and it's like God knew that I needed that time to snuggle my baby and enjoy the fact that she's not quite independent yet.
I've been mulling this all over in my heart this week, and then I visited another blog this morning and came across a wonderful video that summed up everything that I've been thinking about. It's absolutely beautiful.
SATISFACTION. Do we even know what that is anymore? Would you know what SATISFIED felt like if it bitch-slapped you in the face? I'm starting to doubt that I would.
It's a funny, fickle thing, isn't it? On paper, my life is perfect right now. PER. FECT. (Other than the surgery recovery, of course, but I know that it's a temporary condition). I'm happily married to a guy who still makes me roll my eyes and giggle at him. We have a daughter who makes me realize that 'light of my life' is an actual thing, not just a cliche thing that stupid people say. We live in a great house in the exact neighbourhood where we wanted to live. Geoff loves his job and it's as stable as a job can be. Mine isn't, but I love it to death, and I'm as busy as I'd ever dreamed of being (and working mostly for clients who I genuinely love working with). I have more friends than I can squeeze into a week or a month or a year. I have a family who's got my back - and loves my husband and my daughter *almost* as much as I do. We're busily planning the THREE trips that we're hoping to take yet this year. I've even managed to succeed in my (moderate) weight loss goals for the last six months. It's kind of ridiculous, actually.
My life is currently about as perfect as life can realistically be expected to be. And yet, I feel restless and uncomfortable. And I absolutely hate myself for feeling that. I can feel myself starting to pick away at the seams, just looking for the place that will start to unravel. I'm obsessing over the tiniest things that might possibly hint at imperfection. It's not enough that I love Geoff and that he loves me, I need to freak out over the fact that I don't feel the butterflies that I used to every single time he walks into the room. It's not enough that I love my job and that I'm being well-compensated for my efforts, I have to plan for the worst and worry about whether or not my contract will be renewed next month (and what kind of completely imagined financial catastrophe I feel that will bring). It's not okay that I've lost nearly 20 pounds since last summer, because all I can see when I look in the mirror is the next 20 pounds that are still there.
And NOTHING IS WRONG.
It just goes to show that even when you have it all, you want more. Is it just one of those quirky little truths about being human? Or is that 'yearning for heaven' that Christians *love* to talk about - an inability to be completely satisfied and at home in a world that is fundamentally imperfect? Or maybe it's just a smart girl who is also a chronic over-thinker :)
My dear friend Nicole shared this on her blog last week and it has really stayed with me... Hoping that it's the encouragement that someone out there needs to hear today too.
"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us." ~ Author Unknown (to me)
This trip has me thinking so much about change. It's no surprise, really, because this little corner of the world holds a substantial collection of memories for Geoff + I - both as individuals and together.
Each time I've stepped off a plane that has landed in Vancouver, my life has looked so very different. I’ve been single and stopping over on a business trip to meet a boy. I’ve been dating a different boy and meeting his family for the very first time, knowing that I’m days away from getting engaged. I’ve been pregnant and at various stages of new motherhood. I’ve been a student, I’ve been on vacation, I’ve been working, and I’ve been running a business.
Each and every one of those changes have been such a positive thing in my life, but today has been one of those days when just processing the immensity of that change - and all the change yet to come - has me feeling a little dizzy.
Don't misunderstand. There is no major change coming in our immediate future that I am aware of. But that's the thing about change. Sometimes it just sneaks up on you. It can happen in such tiny increments that someday you'll look around and find yourself standing miles from where you started without realizing that you were moving at all.
I have no idea what this year will hold for our little family. At this very moment (and for the second time in less than two weeks), I am sitting here waiting for a conference call to start – a call that promises to hold a work offer with completely unknown details and a completely unknown outcome. It’s enough to make a girl crazy if she decides to let it have that effect on her.
But all that's true is what I know today. I have a happy marriage and a healthy daughter. I have a successful freelance writing business. I’m not enjoying perfect health, but I’m working on it. I have some incredible friends. And I’m working really, really hard to find the best possible definition of ‘balance’ and what that might look like for me and for our family.
Sharing the journey that has taken me from being a single girl in the advertising agency world to a married mommy running my own freelance writing and consulting business (and every random adventure in between).
THINGS I LOVE: Thunderstorms, power ballads, princess camping, exploring new cities, Jon Stewart, greatest hits CDs, clever ads, packing for a trip, George Clooney, impractical footwear, movies about spies, Starbucks, reading an entire book in one sitting, a house full of friends, movies about spies, buying presents, a perfect French manicure, warm modernist architecture, getting flowers for no reason, being faux brunette, Mary Poppins, making lists on Post-It notes, decorating for Christmas, having a brilliant middle-of-the-night 'aha!' idea and then actually remembering it in the morning / THINGS I HATE: People who whine, wearing sweats in public, 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner, birds, American tourists in foreign countries, taking down the Christmas tree, poems that rhyme, the misuse of semicolons, being lied to, unpacking after a trip, being closed-minded, naming your kid something common but then spelling it stupidly, cowboys, overly cautious drivers, fake curse words, ridiculously long surnames, strangers who start awkward conversations with you in places you can't readily escape
