You know it's going to be an interesting day when you've managed to get your toddler to take her first nap of the day before 07.00.
I don't know why we're having such a rough week over here. Yesterday was a gong show full of nonstop little challenges and struggles. It was the first day in a long time that I can remember needing to bite my lip and concentrate on not crying. I let a few tears slip out on my drive home from work and saved the rest for after Geoff got home.
I might try to explain more later. I might not. I hate dwelling on the negative, but so much of what made yesterday difficult was the flare up I'm still dealing with and I think it's important to talk about it - and for people to understand what a 'day in the life' can be like for someone with fibro and chronic fatigue (especially a 'day in the life' with a toddler involved).
Morning happened around 05.20 here today. You know you're in for a TREAT when your toddler wakes up *before* your nurse husband's alarm goes off. And WOW was she in a GREAT MOOD (can you feel the sarcasm dripping off that sentence?).
BLURGH.
I was already well-caffeinated by the time I tricked Briony into napping (she finally let me put her in her crib and took her pacifier when I offered her a few books to look at in there, and within 20 minutes she was snoring... victory!), so I didn't go back to bed. Instead, I chose to pour myself another cup of coffee and spend some time with God. IMAGINE THAT. Talk about a sign of desperation (hehe). It was the only thing I could think of that could possibly succeed in turning such a no good very bad morning around. I'll let you know how it goes :)
This past year, I've literally spent hours in prayer, begging God to just let me have a year or two of drama-free life. No major upsets, no major changes - even good ones. I've had it. I just want half a second to get used to something, to catch my breath, to figure it all out. I thought that moment was coming, and then I met Geoff. And then I saw it coming again, and then we got engaged and started planning a wedding and house shopping and planning our trip. And then there was cancer. And then there was Briony. And then there was the decision to start my business.
I'd like to pause and figure out how to be a mommy - and even more importantly, to figure out how to be a mommy and a wife and a writer and ME, all at the same time. For the record, I totally (mis)underestimated the whole simultaneous mommy and wife thing... I think that's been the very hardest change for me. But I'm probably supposed to pretend it's no big deal, right? Is that how the game is played? :)
I've been feeling so... unsteady. Then on my drive home today, I got this song stuck in my head and I don't think it was an accident. For the first time in a long time, I found it. It was not exactly the feeling I'd been looking for, no promise that life won't keep changing - but the confidence that whatever changes, it's okay.
I don't pretend to have a 'traditional' faith. Whatever that means. Church doesn't always make sense to me, and other Christians often confuse me. At the same time, church can sometimes be awesome, and other Christians can be a huge encouragement to me. So my faith feels the truest to me when it's intensely personal. I like to think that my faith lives in these quiet moments when I feel like I can have a conversation with God, moments when I can feel things and trust that he's listening and that he cares. He knows that when we finally meet in heaven, I'm likely to run and give him a hug, and then smack the back of his head and ask 'what were you thinking?!' And I like to think that he'll be totally cool with that.
God above all the world in motion God above all my hopes and fears I don't care what the world throws at me now It's gonna be alright
Cause I know my God saved the day And I know his word never fails And I know my God made a way for me Salvation is here - Salvation is Here (Hillsong United)
Lately, I've been struggling with the idea of freedom.
I think that, for as long as I've been a Christian and attending church, I've heard about freedom and just kind of assumed that the feeling of freedom is something that God gives us automatically. More and more, I'm realizing that freedom - like everything about Christianity - is a choice. God doesn't force himself on people. He doesn't shove a whole book full of rules down our throats. Every aspect of my faith (including that faith itself) is something that I have chosen for my life. And accepting the freedom that is found in my faith is another one of those choices.
This is all very top-of-mind for me right now, because I made a deal with myself that - post baby - I would only step on a scale once per month. I was so proud of myself, because I actually waited six weeks before stepping on a scale again this past Sunday. And much to my disappointment, I actually *gained* two pounds in the last six weeks. I was absolutely devastated. Who are we kidding... I'm *still* devastated. And I'm frustrated because I have old demons coming back to haunt me, reminding me that there's a surefire way to drop all this baby weight in a hurry by allowing myself to return to a life with an eating disorder - an eating disorder that I thought I was free from.
But here's the thing about freedom, at least the way it works in my life: it works better when it's freedom through God, rather than freedom through myself. I've done everything I can to free myself from this disease. I went to therapy, I made lifestyle changes, I distanced myself from people who were a negative influence on my self-esteem, and I've made it almost five years and counting without allowing myself to relapse... I thought I was free. Clearly, I'm not. I can't find that freedom on my own. But I also can't expect it to come automatically.
There are stories in the Bible of people who experience healing. Whether you believe those stories are literal and true or not is beside the point. The point is that those stories are full of people who get up and seek out Jesus, they pursue him and everything he has to offer them. They aren't healed because they happened to be in the right place at the right time when Jesus went skipping through the meadow sprinkling magical healing fairy dust. They are healed because they ask, because they believe, because they drag themselves through a crowd of people in order to be near him and to make their needs known.
I don't have this all figured out. I just know that the freedom I'm looking for isn't coming from anything that I've been doing. And there's no guarantee - even with all the faith in the world - that this is something that I *can* be free of in this lifetime. All I know for today is that I have faith in a God who is stronger than I am, who longs to see my life overflowing with freedom. I'm not saying that I'm giving up on anything that I'm doing, just that I need to start letting God help too. We're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. 2 Corinthains 4.7
There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to That presses harsh hope against time In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves Who only want to rob you blind They steal away any sense of peace Though I'm a king, I'm a king on my knees And I know they are wrong when they say I am strong As the darkness covers me
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory I am not afraid To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness I have a kingdom to gain Where there is peace and love in the light In the light, I am not afraid To let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul Than I thought I had given away They linger in closets and under my bed And in pictures less proudly displayed A great fool in my life I have been Have squandered til pallid and thin Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame For the darkness I know I've let win
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory I am not afraid To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness I have a kingdom to gain Where there is peace and love in the light In the light, I am not afraid To let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
I've never been much for the bearing of souls In the presence of any man I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure In the arms of a sinner I am Could it be that my worth should defend By the crimson stained grace on a hand? And like a lamp on a hill, Lord I pray in your will To reveal all of you that I can
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory I am not afraid To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness I have a kingdom to gain Where there is peace and love in the light In the light, I am not afraid To let your light shine bright in my life, in my life
There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to That presses harsh hope against time
Tomorrow is Surgery Day #2 (#3 if you count the biopsy) for my mom - her axillary node dissection (look at all the fancy new words we're learning!). If you're curious about what that involves, you can read about it here. Basically, they're removing 10 to 12 lymph nodes from under her arm and putting in a drain for a week or so. She'll be staying in the hospital this time, and they're expecting that she'll require physio to get her arm moving again once things are healed up.
It's good and it's bad. It seriously sucks that she requires a second surgery, though we understand why they opted for the less complicated surgery first. And we know that this surgery is just a precaution to make absolutely sure that they got all the cancer - which is awesome. But it's so hard. I'm so beyond pretending to be tough about this. It sucks, and I've shed tears over it in all kinds of awkward places already :)
I'll add more once there's more to add. In the meantime, please remember her - and all of us - in your prayers. This is tough stuff.
I read this verse this morning, and it really got me thinking... To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. Romans 8.6
Isn't that so true? We spend so much energy worrying about ourselves, our health, our lives, our STUFF - and it's toxic. But when we're focused on the big picture and a greater meaning and purpose, it brings us life and energy and joy and freedom and PEACE - that profound and absolute God-peace that you can only understand if you've experienced it.
This week, I choose life and peace - for myself and for my family.
This secret reminded me of the message at church on Sunday about forgiveness. I needed to hear what I heard that morning, and I let go of all kinds of emotional junk related to my old roommates. It was so freeing to realize that carrying around a bad attitude about other people makes absolutely no difference in their lives - but it poisons my own. And so, I let them go. And it's feeling pretty good, I must admit.
So as far as I know, my mom's surgery was a success yesterday. All I have is second-hand info from my dad and third-hand info from my brother... And all of that info is from boys. I need to see my mom and hear it from her - and we'll do that tonight when Geoff and I head out there with dinner for them tonight.
Please continue to pray for her. The recovery won't be fun, and now we find ourselves waiting again. It will be a few weeks before we find out results - things like what kind of cancer it is, if it's affecting her lymph nodes, if it's spread at all, and how they want to treat it (chemo, radiation, or both).
Pray for peace while we wait, and for the best possible news at the end of this month.
In the meantime, I continue to be overwhelmed by the goodness of other people. The world is full of so much bad, but we are surrounded by people who are full of love and joy and generosity and light - it's amazing. I wish that you could all experience this feeling (just without the bad stuff that triggered it).
This week, I've been meditating on this verse: Be still, and know that I am God.
I suck at being still. I'm not being dramatic... I'm really, really, honestly TERRIBLE at it. I'm a woman of action. But I really feel like - in so many areas of my life - it's my time to be still. Be still, and let him do his work in and around me. And so I wait.
I had such a good night last night. I certainly didn’t expect things to turn out that way, not after the week I had. I was tired and – thanks to my ever-constant friend called fibro – I felt physically beat up. Weary would be the right word, I think. Or exhausted. Or just plain, old-fashioned TIRED.
Last night, as I rushed around to get ready for the evening’s plans, I felt this compulsive need to just stop. I found myself sitting on the couch and pausing in all my busyness to just BE. And in that quiet, I realized what had been going wrong in my world all week. I realized that, in the midst of my chaos, I had made myself busier and crazier trying to get everything back in order – and that I’d failed to do the one thing that I should have done at the very beginning. You know it. Finally, at the end of my positively hellish week, I paused and talked to God about it.
I feel like I made him sad. He told me that he’d been right there the whole time, wanting to help – but waiting for me to ask. And I never did.
I’ve spent the weeks since our trip feeling pulled in seventeen thousand directions, playing so many roles, wearing so many hats (and I do not even look good in hats). Within the space of a week, I am a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a sister-in-law, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, an aunt, an account manager, a coworker, a consultant, a writer, a mentor, a worship leader, a woman… It’s hard to know where to stop. And I feel like God gave me a great big hug last night when he told me quite simply that I needed to concentrate on one role and one role only: I am his child. As long as I focus on that and do it the best way I know how, the rest will come. If I’m focused on loving the people around me and becoming a little more Christ-like every day, how can I fail at anything I need to do? He saved us so that we could be free. And I am free of the pressure to do all those roles perfectly, and to just pour my heart into one.
I feel so light, so hopeful. My body is tired and weary, but my soul is refreshed.
Here's another 'R' word for this week: reconciliation. It seems to be a theme in my life this year, actually. In the past months, I've seen four friendships restored through communication, forgiveness - and someone taking the very brave first step to break down the wall and make it happen.
The first couple of reconciliations were initiated by others. I don't think it's a secret anymore that my old friend Erin contacted me earlier this year and kick-started our journey to a restored, grown-up version of a very special friendship. In the years (decades?) we've been friends, I've learned so much from this very special woman - about trusting God when it's hard, about going after the things you want and making them happen, about letting go and embracing life joyfully. But I think I learned the most from her this year. This year, she taught me about grace and humility. Very grown-up words from a woman who only pretends to be a grown-up because she has to :)
A few months ago, two other friends found me on Facebook and sent messages to say hi, after years of cold silence. No real, offline relationships happening there today - and honestly, probably not ever - but it feels *so* good to know that we're coexisting peacefully in the universe.
And this past week, I decided that the last relationship I needed to heal would be my responsibility. And so I sent a simple email to this former friend, no strings attached. Quite honestly, I pretty much forgot about it once it was sent. Their response wasn't the point - I had healed on my own and let go of the conflict, regardless of what happened. I felt my journey was complete.
But then a funny thing happened. I had an email in my inbox this morning. In it was an apology, a request for forgiveness, an answer to what happened between us - and an olive branch. I honestly didn't think it would matter, but my heart feels so light. It's been released from a burden that I didn't know it was carrying.
Christmas is in full swing now. And with this holiday season comes the promise of a new beginning - and of GRACE, in glorious abundance. My prayer is that God will continue to teach me about grace. Grace without pride or judgment. Amazing grace.
Okay, I know I've been a little bit MIA here... It was a weird, emotional week and I just needed some time to come to terms with it all before I could attempt to put it into words. I'm going to do a little brain-dump here and try my best to explain what's in my head right now.
I had some really good talks with God this week. I know that he wants me to trust him more, and I've been fighting it. It's not that I don't trust that he's capable of big, miraculous things. It's that I don't trust that he cares about all the little details of my life.
I realized this week that I don't believe that God wants good things for me. Somewhere along the way, I got this flawed idea that my life was going to be about doing my best and working to create little pockets of happiness in the midst of hard things. I don't trust that God wants me to experience joy. Which has been contributing to all kinds of stress for me lately, because my life is pretty amazing right now - and I haven't been able to truly enjoy it. Instead, I'm sitting here skeptically, waiting for the catch. I'm scared that every good thing is eventually going to be balanced with something equally bad. And God told me this weekend that I need to stop limiting him. I need to stop believing that he wants to do awesome things in the lives of everyone else, and not in mine.
Something amazing happened this weekend. I let go. It felt like I was a little girl again, ready to believe that the world is full of good things - and that those good things are meant for me. I'm ready to embrace all the good things in my life, without fear.
I woke up this morning and looked outside my window, and I swear the world looked more beautiful than I've ever seen it before.
Sharing the journey that has taken me from being a single girl in the advertising agency world to a married mommy running my own freelance writing and consulting business (and every random adventure in between).
THINGS I LOVE: Thunderstorms, power ballads, princess camping, exploring new cities, Jon Stewart, greatest hits CDs, clever ads, packing for a trip, George Clooney, impractical footwear, movies about spies, Starbucks, reading an entire book in one sitting, a house full of friends, movies about spies, buying presents, a perfect French manicure, warm modernist architecture, getting flowers for no reason, being faux brunette, Mary Poppins, making lists on Post-It notes, decorating for Christmas, having a brilliant middle-of-the-night 'aha!' idea and then actually remembering it in the morning / THINGS I HATE: People who whine, wearing sweats in public, 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner, birds, American tourists in foreign countries, taking down the Christmas tree, poems that rhyme, the misuse of semicolons, being lied to, unpacking after a trip, being closed-minded, naming your kid something common but then spelling it stupidly, cowboys, overly cautious drivers, fake curse words, ridiculously long surnames, strangers who start awkward conversations with you in places you can't readily escape
