And Counting
We're at Day 17 of my psychoallergenic diet and counting here - emphasis on the 'and counting' because I think it's going really well.
I'm finding lots of recipes - and DELICIOUS recipes - and while it's a lot of work, there is huge payoff there. I'm actually slamming together a blog of the recipes we've tried and enjoyed so far, both to help me stay organized and to maybe help someone else out there who's trying to eat this way. Stay tuned.
I am NOT one to blog about my weight, but I have to say that it's looking like a little bit of weight loss might be the icing on the cake (pardon the pun) in this situation. I've been eating more than usual - bigger portion sizes, more snacks, less attention to calories (ahem NO attention to calories) - just sticking with my list of foods I can eat and food I can't eat. And I've lost 4.5 pounds in 17 days. And I've been too flared up to exercise other than Briony's weekly toddler dance class and one fifteen-minute yoga session last week. If I've confided in you about my weight loss challenges post-baby before, you'll know that this is HUGE.
My energy level has been in the toilet since I started this, but I've been feeling tiny glimmers of hope over the last handful of days... I think that energy kick I've been expecting is coming soon. I CAN'T WAIT.
Day 17 is also EXACTLY the halfway mark between starting this on my own and beginning the accompanying acupuncture treatments that are supposed to go alongside my freaky eating.
In any case, I'm here and I'm carrying on...
Labels: Arthritis/Fibromyalgia, Food is Yummy, Loser, Psychoallergenic
A Quick Smile List
I am NOT having a great day. Geoff was working last night and I was up for hours with a teething baby. I feel horrible because it is so not like her... I can count on my fingers how many times I've been up with her during the night for more than a minute or two, and last night was a little bit weird - so I know she must have been seriously uncomfortable, and I tried all the tricks in the book but they didn't help her very much.
We ended up having some good giggly mother/daughter time on the couch together but I prefer my quality time during daylight hours :)
And so today is a TIRED day. Today is a PAIN day. Today is a LONG day.
I think this calls for a smile list.
Today, I choose to smile because...
1. Our Lilith Fair tickets came in the mail this week. AWESOMENESS.
2. My bathtub is sparkly clean, and I am sooo taking advantage of that tonight. I have some Lime Margarita bath salts from Tiber River screaming my name.
3. We are now just three weeks + two days away from Geoff having an entire month off. HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF.
4. I got my course pack in the mail today for my FINAL COURSE that starts on May 10. This means that by the end of July, I'll be eligible to graduate. I'm loving the light at the end of this tunnel.
5. Geoff brought me a latte from Starbucks this morning. That is always a good start to the day!
6. I was able to pick up the new 'Master Your Metabolism' cookbook by Jillian Michaels yesterday, and I'm totally nerdy-excited to try out some of the recipes. YUMMY.
7. I had a wonderful evening catching up with Anja yesterday, taking Briony to the park and then drinking tea together. There's something incredibly special about friends you've known and loved for a long time. I'm so grateful to have her in my life.
8. My parents get home tonight from their trip out to see Aaron + Cait. They were only gone for a couple of days, but I hadn't spent time with them for a while before they left, so it feels like it's been a long time...
9. I have a massage booked for later this afternoon. That fixes *almost* everything :)
10. We found someone to help us with our estate planning. She seems super nice and we've set up a meeting with her for next week. It feels awesome to cross such important things off our list.
Labels: Briony, Going Rogue, Loser, My Life, Smile List, Starbucks, The Boy
I Am NOT The Biggest Loser
It's true. Our final weigh in happened on Friday morning and my team finished in the middle of the pack (again). I'm totally okay with that. My goal for this round (beginning the second week of January) was to lose 8 pounds and I lost 8.5. How can I be disappointed? It is not a big number, but it's big progress - especially when I give myself some credit and factor in being as busy as I am *and* dealing with arthritis + fibro + chronic fatigue. I'm actually kind of proud of myself.
I've updated my little weight loss ticker on here to reflect my progress since September 2009 - and my overall goal weight for December 2010. There are no immediate plans for another round of Biggest Loser-style competition, but I don't think that matters to me. I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing. If I hit my goal by the end of this year, that's awesome. If I don't, it's no big deal. If I continue to eat well and exercise in a way that's healthy and respectful of whatever my body is able to do on any given day, then my weight will sort itself out and whatever weight I am will be the weight that I am supposed to be. I honestly believe that. This 'extra' weight isn't 'extra' at all - it was necessary to grow a healthy baby. And now that I don't need it anymore, it is slowly coming off again.
Can you believe that LINDSAY actually said that? And MEANT IT? I think we should all pause for a second and celebrate that bit of progress.
There are so many positive things that have come out of these two rounds of competition for me:
1. I've started focusing on myself again. It's not just about weight loss - it's about making time for myself and taking care of ALL of me. It's about what I eat and how active I am, but it's equally about MAKING time to read a book or go for a walk or buy jeans that fit or have a bubble bath. I'd lost some of that after becoming a mommy, and I feel like I'm finding it again.
2. I'm starting to feel more comfortable in my own skin again. I still look in the mirror and see a chubby girl, but I'm hating that reflection less and less. I'm starting to appreciate my body for what it has done for me (and Briony). It's not perfect, but it's strong and capable and my respect for my body is growing every day.
3. I'm really beginning to see that I CAN DO THIS. And on the weeks that don't go according to plan, I'm okay. It's not about a weekly weigh in, it's about long term goals and making myself healthier. If I gain the odd pound along the way before losing it again, that's okay. It really is.
4. I've taken steps to take better care of myself. Part of improving my overall health was addressing some of the things that were holding me back. I'm back on meds for depression and anxiety and it's going really well, I think. I took care of an eye problem that I should have taken care of YEARS ago. And I started to see a physiotherapist for a stress incontinence issue that started after I had Briony and kept me from being able to exercise (sorry if that was TMI, but I'm learning that I can't be embarrassed about it). I still can't take up running again, and I might not ever be able to, but it's getting better - and it makes me feel like I'm in control of my body again. This was a critical step in this process for me, and one that I only finally took in February.
5. I'm seeing the first tiny signs of how these changes are all adding up to help me be a better wife, a better mommy, and a better friend. Not every day... But I can already see how being happier with myself allows me to be more available and more present in what's going on around me. Just the promise of that is pretty strong motivation to keep going with this.
More thoughts to follow on this topic, I'm sure - because this is a journey and it's far from over.
Labels: Loser, Stuff I'm Thinking About
Saying NO
Confession time.
Sometimes, I honestly enjoy saying NO to things. (I think it's the power.)
But the most I've been forced to say it lately, the more I dislike it. I would say now that I absolutely hate it. And maybe that's natural, but this guilt I'm feeling over all the things I'm currently saying NO to sure shouldn't be.
And I'm not even doing that good of a job of saying it. Because my alarm went at 7 am today so that I could get some work done before my mom's group this morning (where I'm apparently leading a short discussion... what was I thinking when I said YES to that?). And I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE THURSDAY MORNINGS OFF. In fact, today was the day I promised myself DAYS ago that I'd finally schedule some good ME TIME.
Not that being up before the sun to work on client stuff isn't fabulous ME TIME...
I'm deciding right now that I'm going to make that happen today. I need to. Because I did my pre-weigh in today (I like to have an idea of the number that is going to greet me on Friday morning when I need to officially submit my numbers), and I'm at my next milestone. Half a pound under it, if we're being precise - and I'm more than willing to be precise when it's going to work in my advantage. GO LINDSAY! I promised myself when I set this goal that I was going shopping for myself when I got here. And there's an email in my inbox for 30% off everything at Gap today. Clearly, the universe is FORCING me to take some ME TIME today... And to spend said ME TIME shopping :)
Labels: Going Rogue, Loser
Friday Smile - Part 2
I just had to add a second smile today, because I've experienced a couple of amazing things this morning.
The first is that I stepped onto our scale for today's weekly weigh-in and I'd lost a little bit more - especially noteworthy because for some reason I will never understand, I left the hospital a full eight pounds heavier than when I'd checked in and those eight pounds stuck around for more than a week after I got home. I'm now 0.5 pounds from my goal weight for this round of our Biggest Loser competition, and I still have a couple of weeks to go. And this latest little loss officially put me under a weight barrier that I haven't seen since I was in my second trimester with Briony. YAY ME. This process has been sloooow, but it's amazing to prove to myself that - however long it might take - it is POSSIBLE.
The second thing is that I've been panicking a little bit about how to manage things around here with Geoff returning to work this weekend. I sent out a few emails yesterday, and before I got out of bed to start my day this morning, I'd heard back from every single person I'd approached for help - and every single one of them was totally on board and ready to help. THANK YOU GOD for amazing friends.
Now I'm ending this no good very bad week with a massage appointment. Because I sooo deserve it.
Labels: Friday Smile, Loser, My Friends
The Shape Of A Mother
I came across a website recently that's a celebration of the beauty of our bodies after babies - and I had tears streaming down my face as I clicked through some of the photos and the stories that go along with them.
(Full disclosure: I totally skipped over all the teenage and early-20s moms, because I honestly believe that my body, my skin, and my metabolism were so much better off when I was younger...)
ShapeOfAMother.comBut it opened up a can of worms that I'd been shoving back down beneath the surface for a while, and more this week than usual. Just the other day, Geoff found me in tears as I sat on the edge of the bed wrapped in a towel after my shower and completely immobilized at the thought of finding something to wear. I confessed to him that it wasn't about what other people think about me when they see me, or even what he thinks - it's that I am disgusted by myself looking like I do. (Was that too honest? Too late.)
It's been fourteen months. And I can't imagine a better reason to have gained a whole mess of weight and changed my body than to have carried a big healthy baby full-term (especially one as beautiful and absolutely delightful as Briony). I loved being pregnant with her and I love being her mom. But I honestly thought that I'd look different by now. Is that completely naive? Everyone told me to give it two years - or even three - but I'm starting to have moments of panic that this is as good as it gets. Yes, I'm losing weight. It's slooooow, but it's coming off. I weigh more than 25 pounds less than I did when I was 42 weeks pregnant. But I'm still wearing the same size jeans I wore the week Briony was born. No one tells you that mommy 'weight loss' is really more like just redistributing stuff. And it really is STUFF.
As a side note, for some weird reason, I have absolutely no issue with my stretch marks. It didn't take me very long at all to accept them as beautiful - though that acceptance definitely came post-pregnancy... I'm willing to bet that I'm the only formerly pregnant lady EVER who didn't take a single photo EVER of her pregnant belly, and it's my one and only regret about my pregnancy. Today, I'm actually kind of proud of those stretch marks because - to me - they represent what my body was able to do by growing a healthy baby.
But the actual shape of my body is another story entirely. It's not like this is something that has taken over every single moment of every single day. Just a lot of them. More than I want it to.
But I'm working on it. Because I don't want to spend the rest of my life crying every single time I see a photo of myself with tummy hanging over my jeans. I want to see the beauty that I know in my heart is there.
Labels: Can You Handle The Truth?, Loser, Mommy Stuff, Stuff I Found Online
Things I Learned By Not Being A Big Loser
Yesterday marked the end of our Biggest Loser competition.
There's another one starting up in January. I haven't signed up yet. I'm happy I did it this fall, but I think that - more than anything - what I learned from this experience is that there are other things I need to deal with before I can address The Weight Issue. And I'm okay with that, I think. Either way, I think I'm going to wait until after Christmas to decide.
The final results are in: I've lost 9.5 pounds since we started in mid-September. From now until eternity, I shall hereafter refer to this as a ten-pound weight loss. And while my goal was *technically* fifteen, I'm content with my ten. Ten pounds in eleven weeks is respectable, I think (especially when I stop and consider everything else going on in my life at the same time). Was I hoping for ten + oh, let's say FORTY? Yeah, maybe. But I'm still hoping for a money tree, for skin that doesn't glow a creepy iridescent blue during eleven months of the year and then lobster-burn painfully during those other four weeks, for not having to choose between blindness or wearing glasses or sticking little pieces of plastic in my eyes or paying someone obscene amounts of money to cut my eyeballs and then burn them with lasers. Life is full of small disappointments.
As I pondered this accomplishment yesterday, I realized that I've learned more than a few things on this journey so far.
I've learned to be gentle(r) with myself. Losing weight when your body is broken is possible, but it will not go as smoothly as it might for someone healthier. I'm never going to be that girl who drops a couple of pounds a week - and it has absolutely nothing to do with effort or determination.
I've learned to focus more on what I CAN do, and less on what I CAN'T. I hate that I can't make it through my 30 Day Shred DVD because my body can only take a couple of days at a time. But on days when I can't get 'real' exercise, I can still walk or do yoga or just take the stairs a couple of extra times - and I do.
I've learned that makeovers start on the inside. I probably should have gotten my depression more under control first. It didn't do me any harm to do it this way, but I honestly feel that I might have been effective if I'd switched those two steps around.
I've learned that how I feel about myself isn't as attached to my weight as I thought it was. The cold hard truth is that I felt prettier ten pounds ago (weird, isn't it?). I'm still not sure why, but I'm working on it.
I've learned that I need to take better care of myself. When my days get busy, I'm the first thing that gets sacrificed. I am particularly bad about making doctor's appointments for myself. There are health issues that prevent me from exercising effectively that I should have dealt with a long time ago, and you know what? I still haven't. But I'm going to deal with it now. Seriously.
I've learned that money does not motivate me. Neither did my competitors. This challenge was ALL about me, which came as a surprise because I'm a pretty competitive person. But it made me realize that I will be able to do this on my own if I want to... And it's going to be at my own pace. I know it will take a really long time, but the results will be worth it.
Labels: Loser
Twenty-Two Days
That's how much time I have left until the end of our Biggest Loser Challenge. SIGH.
My goal for this whole little project was to lose 15 pounds this fall. So far, I've lost *almost* 10. That means I have around 5.5 pounds to lose in 22 days. It's not impossible, but I also don't want to absolutely count on that happening. It's hard not to get discouraged... The scale doesn't exactly read what I'd hoped it would at this point in our competition. But I know that I've also been busy making myself over on the inside, and I know that this internal work can sometimes take just as much energy as all the external stuff.
At the end of it all, I hope that I'll be able to see this project as a success - no matter what the scale says on December 23. It's a journey, that's for sure. I can't say that I love my body. But I don't hate it as much as I used to. And that's progress, right? On top of that, I know that - even if I fall short of my goal - losing 10 pounds is nothing to be ashamed of. It's 10 more than 0 :)
By the way, why did no one warn me that - as some of the residual baby weight comes off your tummy - things actually get FLABBIER?! Ugh.
Anyway. The point of this all is that I've spent this evening watching the *real* Biggest Loser. It's the second-last episode of the season, which by definition makes it The Marathon Episode. Which by definition ALWAYS MAKES ME CRY. It's just that I know *exactly* how these people feel, pushing themselves to finish a marathon even when their bodies say DUDE, NO WAY - and even if it means taking all day and limping across that finish line 26.2 miles after you started.
It's such an inspirational episode, and I'm in awe of how STRONG these people are. But it's an extra kind of inspirational for me because it makes me realize that I have that strength in me too. And I know that I'll kick this weight thing yet - because I'm strong. I'm a girl who finished a marathon. Heck, I'm a girl *with arthritis* who finished a marathon.
I may have lost it, but I know it's there. It's in me.
By the way, THAT'S STILL CRAZY TO ME. Seriously. What was I thinking?! Easily the stupidest idea I've ever had :)
But want to know an even crazier secret? I kind of want to do it again.
Labels: Loser, Things No One Warned Me About
Week 2 Recap + Weigh In
Okay, so we've officially wrapped up Week Two of our Biggest Loser Challenge.
How's it going? It's going. Another tough week, but I'm proud of what I've accomplished. I did a bunch of extra walking - adventuring with B and walking to a few appointments instead of starting up the car. I branched out even farther and did my first private yoga class ever. Um, AMAZING. I'll never be content to sign up for a class again. The instructor has a masters in occupational therapy and was really great with showing me modifications that resulted in a 90 minute yoga practice that totally pushed me but left me feeling awesome after - and hardly stiff or sore at all the next day. LOVE LOVE LOVE.
Oh, and I survived Thanksgiving Dinner 1 of 3. Two more on their way this weekend...
Again, we're going to call it a good week. No earth-shattering results (like Shay on the *real* Biggest Loser who dropped an astonishing 16 pounds this week). But slow and steady wins the ability to wear non-stretchy pants :)
Short-Term Goals (Week Two):
1. Drink 2L of water every day.
I kept up with my trick of putting out a jug of water in the morning and working at it during the day - trying to use it to refill my water bottle when I'm heading out. Again, it's a HUGE challenge when I'm not at home... This will be a work in progress throughout the challenge, I'm guessing.
2. Be active in some way every day, even if it's only a walk around the block on a flare-up day.
I missed two days this week. Given the week that I had, I'm calling it a moderate success.
3. Start a folder of only healthy recipes that I can build on between now and Christmas. Find and try two new recipes this week.
Still researching and collecting... I made two different healthy soups this week - enough to freeze some for future meals. They both turned out perfectly, and will make great additions to my folder.
4. DO NOT STEP ON THE SCALE AT ALL until the end of the week.
I did once in between. It's all Geoff's fault.
5. Cut out caffeine after 4 pm.
I sucked at this. I will try harder next week. That's all I can really say about that.
New Goal for Next Week:
6. Eat breakfast 5 out of 6 days.
Weight Loss Progress (Week Two):
Goal: Lose 15 pounds between October 2 and December 23.
Lost This Week: 2.5
Progress to Date: 4 / 15
Labels: Loser
Week 1 Recap + Weigh In
Okay, so we've officially wrapped up Week One of our Biggest Loser Challenge.
How's it going? Umm... It's okay. It's actually been kind of challenging for me so far. This ridiculous weather change that we've had here has me really flared up, and once you factor in some whiplash from our car accident and a gallbladder attack... Yeah. Clearly, the universe doesn't want me to be working out. (Good thing I don't have a whole lot of respect for what the universe wants.)
I did the best that I could with what I had to work with - and really, I suppose that's all we can really hope for. I would have loved to pull a big number to start off with and really encourage me to stick with this. It didn't happen. But I didn't gain weight, and I didn't stay the same. Actually, I'm right on track for my moderate weight loss goal at the end of this whole project. So we're going to say that it was a good week.
Short-Term Goals (Week One):
1. Drink 2L of water every day.
I actually did better with this than I was expecting. On the days when I was at home, I did AWESOME. I just filled up a 2L jug with water (and lemon) in the morning and left it on the table. On the days when we were out, I didn't always totally finish the jug, but I made a decent dent in it. I'm going to keep this goal for Week Two and try for an even better success rate - even when I'm out during the day.
2. Be active in some way every day, even if it's only a walk around the block on a flare-up day.
Again, this wasn't a total disaster. There was one day when I just could not get those running shoes on. But on another day, we did Run for the Cure (5K!!). And I hauled out one of my Jillian Michaels DVDs on Thursday (she totally kicked my ass). So I'm going to count this as a moderate success as well, with room for improvement.
3. Start a folder of only healthy recipes that I can build on between now and Christmas.
I started thinking about this and collected a few, but I haven't really done anything with them yet. That's okay. I don't want to be a total overachiever, hehe.
4. DO NOT STEP ON THE SCALE AT ALL until the end of the week.
I actually did this. YAY ME!
Weight Loss Progress (Week One):
Goal: Lose 15 pounds between October 2 and December 23.
Progress to Date: 1.5 / 15
Labels: Loser
Not Feeling Very Optimistic
So, Week One of our Biggest Loser Challenge is coming to a close. Tomorrow is weigh-in day... SHUDDER. I'll post my Week One recap tomorrow, but I don't have a good feeling about it :(
Labels: Loser
