Monday, March 15, 2010

I Can't Get No Satisfaction

SATISFACTION. Do we even know what that is anymore? Would you know what SATISFIED felt like if it bitch-slapped you in the face? I'm starting to doubt that I would.

It's a funny, fickle thing, isn't it? On paper, my life is perfect right now. PER. FECT. (Other than the surgery recovery, of course, but I know that it's a temporary condition). I'm happily married to a guy who still makes me roll my eyes and giggle at him. We have a daughter who makes me realize that 'light of my life' is an actual thing, not just a cliche thing that stupid people say. We live in a great house in the exact neighbourhood where we wanted to live. Geoff loves his job and it's as stable as a job can be. Mine isn't, but I love it to death, and I'm as busy as I'd ever dreamed of being (and working mostly for clients who I genuinely love working with). I have more friends than I can squeeze into a week or a month or a year. I have a family who's got my back - and loves my husband and my daughter *almost* as much as I do. We're busily planning the THREE trips that we're hoping to take yet this year. I've even managed to succeed in my (moderate) weight loss goals for the last six months. It's kind of ridiculous, actually.

My life is currently about as perfect as life can realistically be expected to be. And yet, I feel restless and uncomfortable. And I absolutely hate myself for feeling that. I can feel myself starting to pick away at the seams, just looking for the place that will start to unravel. I'm obsessing over the tiniest things that might possibly hint at imperfection. It's not enough that I love Geoff and that he loves me, I need to freak out over the fact that I don't feel the butterflies that I used to every single time he walks into the room. It's not enough that I love my job and that I'm being well-compensated for my efforts, I have to plan for the worst and worry about whether or not my contract will be renewed next month (and what kind of completely imagined financial catastrophe I feel that will bring). It's not okay that I've lost nearly 20 pounds since last summer, because all I can see when I look in the mirror is the next 20 pounds that are still there.


It just goes to show that even when you have it all, you want more. Is it just one of those quirky little truths about being human? Or is that 'yearning for heaven' that Christians *love* to talk about - an inability to be completely satisfied and at home in a world that is fundamentally imperfect? Or maybe it's just a smart girl who is also a chronic over-thinker :)

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At March 16, 2010 9:14 AM, Blogger Kathy said...

In my opinion, it's definitely're not at all strange for feeling it...

At March 16, 2010 12:23 PM, Anonymous Marilyn said...

I'd say it's a combination of all you mentioned. We are quirky humans with limitless hope programmed into us and that helps us to stretch/reach and not be quite satisfied until we we reach HOME. I think these thoughts are magnified in 'creative types':)
Some writers say "Love is a decision" (which means our feelings change).

At March 16, 2010 9:19 PM, Anonymous Momma said...

I think it can possibly be a sign of spring. It's called "out with the old and in with the new". Not saying you should throw Geoff out! But it's a time to declutter, reprioritize, think of new possibilities... And I agree with the Homesickness part. We are born with a longing and restlessness that can't be satisfied here. You've always been an innovator who isn't satisfied with status quo. Lean back and rest and enjoy what you have - it's a good life.

At March 16, 2010 11:57 PM, Blogger Amber said...

From one over-thinker to another...STOP IT.

I know how you feel though, I'm going through the exact same thing. I agree with your mom, and it being partially a seasonal thing too.

I know you won't forget to think about what you have, but it's not a bad thing to think of new things to work towards.

At March 23, 2010 2:54 PM, Blogger Lindsay said...

Thank you all...


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