My Day is Coming
Nessie, one of my fellow Chronic Babes - and a fellow blogger - shared this verse on
her blog today...
God will let you laugh again. You’ll raise the roof with shouts of joy.
Job 8.21
The truth in those words just cut straight to my core tonight. My eyes immediately filled up with tears - tears of hope and of longing. Because I believe in my heart that my day is coming. And I believe that it's coming SOON.
Labels: Arthritis/Fibromyalgia, Chronic Babe, Church the Universe and Everything
Welcome Back, Jennifer Knapp
I'm a Christian and I love music, but I'm not a lover of Christian music. There are exceptions, of course, but I pick my favourite music based on whether or not I like it, whether or not I connect with it - and whether it's a 'Christian' artist or not makes absolutely no difference to me. That's just how it is (and I despise those labels anyway). And my library of music includes a little of both.
Around the time I was finishing high school and starting university, a new singer-songwriter came onto the Christian music scene and I was immediately drawn to her music - probably because it was just plain good music. I loved everything about
Jennifer Knapp's music, and she pumped out three CDs in just a couple of years and toured like mad. I saw her live at least two or three times during those years. And then, in 2002, she was gone. She just totally disappeared from music.
And I still listen to her old CDs.
So imagine my delight to hear that she's touring as part of Lilith Fair this summer (not at our location... BOO) and releasing a new CD next month after a seven year hiatus.
In all her media interviews for the new album, she's been completely honest and transparent as always - and is for the first time openly talking about the fact that she's in a longterm same sex relationship. I read her 'coming out' article (
here and
here and
here) today and was *so* impressed with how she's articulated her experiences in a dual role as a Christian and a lesbian. I was not impressed that it was the entire focus of the story, glossing over the far more interesting (in my opinion) questions about her hiatus and her new album. It makes me sad that this has turned into another 'sensational' story for the media... She appeared on Larry King Live tonight as part of an episode about whether Christianity and homosexuality can co-exist. And I just watched a pastor call her 'perverted' to her face on CNN. And then compared her to a pedophile. Shudder.
My point is not to begin a debate on Christians and homosexuality. I don't want to get into it, and you honestly won't change what I believe about it anyway. My point is that I can't wait for her new album to come out in a couple of weeks.
Welcome back, Jennifer Knapp. I wish your reception was a little bit friendlier. Now I hope we'll all surprise you by purchasing so many copies of your new album that we'll make it your best-selling album ever. I might buy two :)
Labels: Church the Universe and Everything, Current Events, Music
Weekend Update
Have you ever had one of those days where you just stop and shake your head, utterly convinced that life is something that happens *to* you - completely outside of your own control? That's been my last three years. But I think it's getting increasingly stranger.
ANYWAY.
A quick update on our weekend.
I ran out for a last-minute new client meeting on Friday night, met again on the same subject on Sunday afternoon, and have apparently landed myself another new project. I'm pretty excited about this one... STAY TUNED :)
This new project is *another* new public relations project. Which means that - right now - I'm doing more PR work than writing work for the first time since I launched my little business. It's going to be very interesting to see how this feels because I love both kinds of work, and I can see myself doing both long-term - but I've never really been sure about which one to actually pursue. Honestly, I'm not pursuing ANYTHING. But it's lovely and wonderful and kind of miraculous that people have been tracking me down and pursuing ME. I'm keeping so busy. It's been incredible for my self-esteem.
Geoff and I did our taxes. Actually, LINDSAY did our taxes. I'll let you process that for a moment. Truth be told, this English major did remarkably well with high school level Accounting classes - and that's really all you need for tax preparation. I used a super-simple online program and it was pretty much painless. The best part? Geoff's getting a decent return. And I owed $7.16. I feel like I won the lottery. I was scared that I'd owe thousands because of my freelance work, but I apparently did okay with deductions. YAY ME (especially because I had money set aside for the taxes I thought I'd owe).
I met up with some friends on Saturday morning for breakfast + shopping. It was just so much fun to see them without Briony along. Don't get me wrong - I *love* Briony and so do her adopted 'aunties' - but I've been realizing lately how often we all hang out at my house because 99% of my Girls Nights happen when Geoff is working nights. I'm the only one with a baby in most of my social circles, so we naturally end up here and I'm playing mommy while we're all hanging out. It works well, I think. But there's a different quality to Girl Time when you're not worrying about your baby at the same time. I'm hoping to replicate that same quality on Thursday. Geoff is working all day, and I told my clients I was taking the day OFF (gasp!). Katie is coming and I am spending the day with two of my best friends - who both happen to be teachers on Spring Break. I'm ashamed to admit that I don't remember the last time I saw these girls without Briony in tow. WHEN DID I BECOME *THAT* GIRL? Shame, Lindsay. SHAME.
We skipped church on Sunday morning. Again. I feel kind of strange about how badly we've been sucking at bringing Briony to church. It's not that it's not important to us. It is. But at the age she is, it's super hard to go to church (and I end up missing most of it anyway). And with Geoff and I working so much, and opposite schedules, the rare Sunday mornings that we're all at home together have become sacred. Yesterday, we enjoyed our very favourite Sunday morning activity as a family: a walk to Assiniboine Park. We picked up Starbucks on the way and stopped at the park so that Briony could play on the swings. It was good for my soul.
We also skipped an Open House that we'd been talking about going to. Geoff and I both love our house, but I think we both recognize that - at least in its current state - it might not be our Forever House. There's always an option to do some big renos and make it work, but you always need to weigh the pros and cons of just picking up and moving to a house that will work the way it is. Both of these options are probably far down the road for us. We're not actually wanting a BIGGER house, just one that works a little better for us (specifically, a bigger kitchen, more accessible laundry, a main floor bathroom, and a more functional office space - though I'd add a garage and central air to my list too, hehe). But there is a house currently for sale a few blocks over that totally looks like that house that would work... And the location is to die for - one of the only locations that we'd consider to be possibly better than where we currently are (which is really saying something, because we are in love with our current location). In the end, we chose not to go. Too tempting. Too painful. But it's still fun to think about the future.
Last night, we met my parents at The Keg to help celebrate my dad's birthday. Briony did GREAT, and it was a rather quiet affair without Aaron + Cait and Jessica + Kevin + Chloe there - but Briony did her best to make up for it with her full-volume giggling. They came back to our place after for cake (actually it was pie), coffee, and presents. And so that my dad could watch the end of the curling game, of course :)
Labels: Briony, Church the Universe and Everything, Family, Going Rogue, House Stuff, Mommy Stuff, My Friends, The Boy, Weekend Update
I Can't Get No Satisfaction
SATISFACTION. Do we even know what that is anymore? Would you know what SATISFIED felt like if it bitch-slapped you in the face? I'm starting to doubt that I would.
It's a funny, fickle thing, isn't it? On paper, my life is perfect right now. PER. FECT. (Other than the surgery recovery, of course, but I know that it's a temporary condition). I'm happily married to a guy who still makes me roll my eyes and giggle at him. We have a daughter who makes me realize that 'light of my life' is an actual thing, not just a cliche thing that stupid people say. We live in a great house in the exact neighbourhood where we wanted to live. Geoff loves his job and it's as stable as a job can be. Mine isn't, but I love it to death, and I'm as busy as I'd ever dreamed of being (and working mostly for clients who I genuinely love working with). I have more friends than I can squeeze into a week or a month or a year. I have a family who's got my back - and loves my husband and my daughter *almost* as much as I do. We're busily planning the THREE trips that we're hoping to take yet this year. I've even managed to succeed in my (moderate) weight loss goals for the last six months. It's kind of ridiculous, actually.
My life is currently about as perfect as life can realistically be expected to be. And yet, I feel restless and uncomfortable. And I absolutely hate myself for feeling that. I can feel myself starting to pick away at the seams, just looking for the place that will start to unravel. I'm obsessing over the tiniest things that might possibly hint at imperfection. It's not enough that I love Geoff and that he loves me, I need to freak out over the fact that I don't feel the butterflies that I used to every single time he walks into the room. It's not enough that I love my job and that I'm being well-compensated for my efforts, I have to plan for the worst and worry about whether or not my contract will be renewed next month (and what kind of completely imagined financial catastrophe I feel that will bring). It's not okay that I've lost nearly 20 pounds since last summer, because all I can see when I look in the mirror is the next 20 pounds that are still there.
And NOTHING IS WRONG.
It just goes to show that even when you have it all, you want more. Is it just one of those quirky little truths about being human? Or is that 'yearning for heaven' that Christians *love* to talk about - an inability to be completely satisfied and at home in a world that is fundamentally imperfect? Or maybe it's just a smart girl who is also a chronic over-thinker :)
Labels: Church the Universe and Everything, Going Rogue, Married Stuff, Mommy Stuff, My Life, Stuff I'm Thinking About
Lent
Hey, is it too late to claim that I'm giving up coffee for Lent? ;)
I never do Lent. It wasn't really a part of my childhood religious upbringing, and by the time I became an adult and was more exposed to it, I didn't really get it. I mean, I GET IT, but I think that those same Lenty principles would mean more to me if they were practiced as part of my everyday life. I seriously hate doing something just because someone told me to. That's pretty much the best way to guarantee that I WON'T do it, actually.
If it's something that works for you and has significance in your life, that's awesome. Good for you. Seriously. I just don't see how - for me personally - giving up Facebook or television or chocolate or whatever will bring me closer to God. And God's cool with that. Really. I asked him. Right after I finished yelling at him for doing such a lousy job of taking care of this whole gallbladder situation.
Anyway. I used to work in an office where it seemed like EVERYONE did Lent. I was new, so I told them I was giving up cigarettes. Everyone was so super impressed. (I have never even tried smoking in my life.) And what do you know, I was totally successful! I *may* have also spread a rumour that one of my coworkers - the one I was secretly dating - was trying to give up cocaine for Lent... Yeah. It's a very good thing that I don't work there anymore. (Right, Margaret?) Boredom causes me to do terrible, terrible things.
I'm referring, of course, to my dating decisions. The Lent thing was FUNNY :D
Labels: Church the Universe and Everything, Nothing Important, Starbucks
Monday Smile
I'm having one of those days where a Monday Smile has become necessary.
I thought that I missed Briony so much that it would be awesome to have her home again - regardless of the fact that she is hardcore teething and regardless of the fact that I can't really take care of her right now. But hey, Geoff's home! He'll take care of it! And he is. But what I hadn't really factored into the equation is that - as wonderful a daddy as Geoff is (and he is) - there is one thing he just simply and honestly is not: ME. And it's MAKING ME CRAZY. I seriously need to just sedate myself and sew my tongue directly into my teeth. He's doing a great job. And different isn't bad. It's just different. But... AHHH!
Anyway. Here's your smile for this lovely Monday morning (and it is rather lovely):
Surviving Church as a SingleSo I know that I'm not single anymore. But I was for a while. Long enough that I laughed knowingly at practically every single thing on this list. Why do people say these things?! Because let me tell you, they really, honestly say these things...
Labels: Church the Universe and Everything, Friday Smile, Mommy Stuff, Stuff I Found Online
Forgive Us
There are lots of things that we've figured out about being parents. Regular church attendance is not one of them.
We actually did really well last winter/spring when she was tiny, and then again for a few months this fall. But now her napping schedule has shifted to make it virtually impossible. When we have managed to make it work, I've spent virtually the entire time in the baby room with a seriously unhappy baby on the verge of a meltdown - which pretty much erases any benefit of bothering to go to church in the first place. Even different service times don't seem to work. They're ALL at the wrong time.
Can you tell I'm slightly frustrated?
I hope that her napping will change again soon, because I actually miss church. I haven't always felt this need to be at church, but it's something that I'm really wanting right now, something that I need for ME. I think we'll need to find a bible study or a small group or SOMETHING in the new year to fill that void when Sunday mornings just don't work.
I'm relatively certain that God will forgive us in the meantime :)
Labels: Church the Universe and Everything
The One Where Briony Is Disorderly
Sunday, September 06.09Got up early and went to church with old people (hehe). Briony entertained the grey-haired crowd with her non-stop babble and 'singing' during the first half of the service, but it started to get old around communion time... After one of the pastor's points, she actually yelled 'YEAH YEAH YEAH' at the top of her lungs. Sigh. Took her outside and couldn't find the baby room, so we wandered the hallways for the last half-hour and she made a ridiculous amount of baby noise - mostly deemed cute by the church people - phew! The pastor came to find us later and cooed over her a little bit, so it couldn't have been *that* bad, right? :)
Called Aaron + Cait. Had lunch. Made awesome peach salsa. Visited Carole and the kids. Saw Justin's brand new tattoo. Walked around Mill Lake again.
And then Marilyn graciously volunteered to princess-sit Briony so that Geoff + I could head into Burnaby to have dinner at Jason + Amy's place - and the epic Cranium battle we'd been anticipating for months. Yeah, we beat them. Twice. And poor Jason tried ever so hard to be a gracious loser. It's just not in his DNA, and it's part of his charm - and part of why we spent a good portion of the evening laughing at his expense :)
Labels: Church the Universe and Everything, Family, Our Other Home, Travel
Plans
Brandy posted this verse on Facebook, and it spoke right to the very core of me today. It's one of those verses we learned in Sunday School when we were small, but it just kind of rattled me today and brought fresh perspective on everything that's swirling around in my head right now. It's kind of amazing when that happens.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."Jeremiah 29.11
Labels: Church the Universe and Everything, Inspiration
The One Where Geoff Is Sick ALL DAY
Yeah. No luck with my wishes and prayers that I'd have a healthy husband in the morning. Instead, Marilyn helped me get Briony ready and we headed off the church - just the girls.
It was actually a really great service. I've always enjoyed the church Geoff's parents attend out here, and this was an especially interesting service because this weekend marked the one-year anniversary of their sanctuary floor collapsing during a Starfield concert. I had so much respect for the church's attitude toward the event even though it was apparent that emotions were still raw for the people who witnessed the tragedy. In place of a sermon, there was a lady there who had been the most critically injured last year. She was paralyzed after falling through the floor and told that she had no hope of recovery (she was rated one level of paralysis below Christopher Reeves). She kept on telling the doctors that she was going to walk again, and the doctors kept on pulling her husband aside and expressing their concern that there was something mentally wrong with her because she could not accept the fact that walking was not even a remote possiblity for her. And today, one year later, she walked into the church where the accident happened and shared about her journey. She had such a beautiful, positive spirit and such a great outlook on life - something bad happened, that's too bad, now let's move on and see how God can use that bad thing to make good things happen around me.
After church, Marilyn and Briony and I stopped in at Geoff's sister Carole's place and saw their whole family for a bit (minus our nephew Justin). Then it was back home for lunch and a pretty quiet day. Geoff slept, Alan did his thing, Marilyn packed and gave us some instructions for while she was away, and Briony and I hung out and went for a walk.
At the end of the day, Geoff was still sick, I was starting to feel a little iffy, and Briony's nose was getting plugged up. AWESOME. (Is my sarcasm coming through?)
Labels: Briony, Church the Universe and Everything, Family, The Boy, Travel
Happy Sunday
Mmmm. Good weekend. Not for any particular - or particularly fabulous - reason, it just was.
Yesterday was quiet other than the whole Coldplay Incident of 2009. We went for a walk with Briony in the afternoon and hung out in Starbucks for a bit (hooray for babies who are totally cool with hanging out in Starbucks), then we picked up sushi for dinner. Emily came over in the evening and was my date for Kris & Kari-Ann's social - good times in Elm Creek, hehe. Although Donna apparently still hates me. Go figure :)
Em stayed over, and we all met Paul at The Meeting Place for church - my first time (believe it or not) and I really liked it. We ran into lots of old friends, and I met some really great people in the baby room. Then it was back to our place where Geoff dug a path to our barbecue and we grilled some steaks with garlic smashed potatoes, asparagus, and lots of mushrooms. It made me *so* excited for spring! We all enjoyed some Demetri Martin and some conversation in the afternoon - that great, comfortable conversation that can only happen with really good friends.
It was just good. I know that weekends don't really mean what they used to mean in my world given that I'm on mat leave and Geoff's schedule doesn't differentiate between weekdays vs weekends... But they still feel significant in my head somehow. And this one - though kind of busy - felt refreshing. I love that.
Labels: Church the Universe and Everything, Emily, Nothing Important, Weekend Update
Pink
So Geoff and I are *so* religious that we attend three churches. Okay, maybe it has less to do with our profound faith and more to do with our inability to make a decision. In any case, we occasionally attend at the church Geoff grew up in (in Winnipeg), the church I grew up in (in Niverville), and a church we've discovered together and really like (in Winnipeg).
This morning, Briony made her first appearance at Geoff's church in Winnipeg and met many, many adoring fans there. The odd thing? Lots of people asked if she was a boy or a girl... And she was wearing head-to-toe PINK. Um, what?!
Labels: Briony, Church the Universe and Everything
The C Word
The Blog Entry I Would Have Posted on March 21My family made a decision last night that we'd meet up at our place today before the big extended family gathering this afternoon. They'll be arriving in a few minutes, and I'm starting to wonder if this was such a good idea.
It's like planned grief. We didn't want to make a huge scene and all see each other for the first time since the Official Diagnosis in front of 30 other people (even though they're family too). It's just such a private moment. And for that reason, I know it was right. I just don't know if I can schedule my tears so neatly.
And here's the thing: I don't want to grieve. I want my mom to be healthy. And I never want to hear the C word again.
It turns out that the 'cancer' C word is a million times worse than that other C word. The other one just hurts your feelings. This one makes your whole world turn upside down, and I'm scared that - even after the surgery and treatments are over and my mom has her health back again - nothing will ever be the same for us again.
This whole situation has had a strange and unexpected side effect. My family has always been important to me, but there is no other consideration for me now. Family has become our number one priority. This journey is only beginning, but I can already feel that change. The circumstances of that are really horrible, but I kind of like this new feeling of family. It's starting to feel like the calm in the storm. My family has always been my foundation and my safe place, and that has never been more true.
Geoff and I went to his church last night for a Maundy Thursday service. (What the heck is Maundy Thursday??? I'm pretty sure they just made it up.) It was harder than I thought it would be. I'm angrier at God than I thought I was.
Near the end of the service, everyone started singing that old song 'I Have Decided to Follow Jesus' - and I started to cry. It just hit me in my gut.
Trusting Jesus and following Him isn't something that depends on my mood, my attitude, or anything else that's going on in my life that moment. It's a decision. And it's a decision that I've committed to. I'm following Him, no matter how unfair the world feels (and it is) or how much I question why He allowed this to happen (and I do).
I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back, no turning backBecause my faith is deeper than a feeling. And He hasn't failed me yet.
I'm still kind of angry, though.
Labels: Church the Universe and Everything, My Life, The C Word
Weekend Update: Long Live Louis Riel Edition
I don't know about you guys, but I'm fast becoming one of Louis Riel's biggest fans. I was ALL OVER the idea of a February long weekend. Though I honestly don't understand why we couldn't just have Family Day like Alberta and Ontario. Us Manitobans, we're *obviously* not followers. (Laughing to myself...)
You know about my weekend up until Saturday afternoon. On Saturday evening, I was emotionally exhausted and still processing everything I'd heard at my appointment earlier in the day. Geoff came home from work, and he helped me process - which was kind of nice. On Sunday, he did even more research at work.
Sunday morning, I got up EARLY to drive The Boy to work, then headed back to bed for a while before I got up for real, made myself presentable, and met Emily for church. It was a good morning - the whole service was really a learning experience about prayer, and I liked what the pastor had to say on the whole issue of faith and healing. I've been to so many churches that aren't scared to say that illness - or a lack of healing - is evidence of a lack of faith or of sin in someone's life. And I'm not scared to say that's bullshit. This guy talked about the verse where it says that you should pray with faith if you want to be healed. And he talked about how that faith is not necessarily the faith of the person who's sick - but the faith of the people who are doing the praying. He also spoke about how God doesn't make his healing decisions based on faith alone, which is something I believe very much. I just thought the whole morning was super-encouraging, especially given my day on Saturday.
And I was encouraged enough to actually let someone there pray for me... If you know me at all, you know that's pretty huge. But all my philosophies on healing are changing and growing. I no longer carry around the expectation that I'll experience an on-the-spot miracle (though I know that God is capable of that) - instead, I'm starting to think that the healing comes from what it does inside of me, to open myself up to share openly about my struggles and to allow my disappointment and hurt and frustration about the whole situation just gradually start to fade away.
Em and I went for lunch and spent part of the afternoon together, then I spent the rest of the day reading a book - awesome.
Yesterday was pretty quiet too. Geoff had been scheduled to work, but had his schedule changed at the last minute - so he ended up being off, which was a nice surprise. We slept in (I honestly don't remember the last time I didn't set my alarm... amaing) and had brunch, then ran some errands in the afternoon and spent a totally lazy evening watching more 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia' reruns.
That's about it, other than a series of five EXTREMELY ANNOYING wrong-number phone calls that I received between 04.30 and 05.00 this morning... Ugh. Not impressed. Let's hope that wasn't indicative of how this week will go, because I'm determined to make it a good one.
Labels: Arthritis/Fibromyalgia, Church the Universe and Everything, Emily, My Friends, My Life, The Boy, Weekend Update
Adventures in Grace
I've heard stories from friends about the intense decision-making process involved in choosing a tattoo design. Not me. I knew what I wanted years ago... The decision was really whether or not I actually wanted a tattoo. In the end - I did. I made the appointment on my 25th birthday, last summer in Montreal. And I haven't experienced a moment of regret.
Until this weekend.
See, in the middle of my back, I have permanently inked four simple characters that together form a Greek word: GRACE. I have literally chosen to make this word a part of me, a piece of who I am. And that's easier some days than others. I found myself in a situation this weekend where I wanted to be very UNgraceful and UNgracious. It's the strangest thing to carry your commitment around with you. I knew in my heart of hearts that I needed to extend grace to the person in this situation, because grace has been extended to me. I'm not perfect (shocking, I know), so I can't expect others to be.
That sucks, doesn't it? Took the wind right out of my sails, and the bite out of my tongue - and that bite was going to be so very [temporarily] satisfying :)
And that's kind of the beauty of this whole concept of grace. It gives us the freedom to be and to live, mistakes and all. Because the one who made me knows what's inside the very core of my heart - and he thinks it's beautiful. Most days, that simple truth totally blows me away.
Labels: Church the Universe and Everything, My Life, Stuff I'm Thinking About
Potato, Tomato, Church
Friday: Got my nails done at Riverstone (compliments of Ms. Pawich and her generous donation of a gift certificate to the Help Lindsay Feel Better Fund). Had a great experience, as usual. My nails always come out *perfectly* there, and this time was no exception.
Saturday: Went to the bank. Went grocery shopping. Went to pick up my laptop from the repair place. (Basically, a day full of errands and busyness.) Then spent the evening in with Geoff - made dinner and my potluck contribution for Sunday, and watched a movie.
Sunday: Went to church with Geoff (more comments on that below) in the morning. Potluck with friends from church in the evening.
Now the church thing is pretty interesting... Geoff and I believe pretty much the same things, and the churches we attend teach pretty much the same things - but they are so different. My church isn't really charismatic, but it feels completely *crazy* compared to his. It's really by-the-book and we sing all these hymns that I have never, ever heard of before (lead by a song leader).
It's funny because - at the end of the day - no one's right and no one's wrong. It's just two different ways to do church. There are things I like better about mine, and there are things I like better about his. They're just different.
But I must admit... I miss the drums :)
Labels: Church the Universe and Everything, My Life, Weekend Update
