The C Word
The Blog Entry I Would Have Posted on March 21My family made a decision last night that we'd meet up at our place today before the big extended family gathering this afternoon. They'll be arriving in a few minutes, and I'm starting to wonder if this was such a good idea.
It's like planned grief. We didn't want to make a huge scene and all see each other for the first time since the Official Diagnosis in front of 30 other people (even though they're family too). It's just such a private moment. And for that reason, I know it was right. I just don't know if I can schedule my tears so neatly.
And here's the thing: I don't want to grieve. I want my mom to be healthy. And I never want to hear the C word again.
It turns out that the 'cancer' C word is a million times worse than that other C word. The other one just hurts your feelings. This one makes your whole world turn upside down, and I'm scared that - even after the surgery and treatments are over and my mom has her health back again - nothing will ever be the same for us again.
This whole situation has had a strange and unexpected side effect. My family has always been important to me, but there is no other consideration for me now. Family has become our number one priority. This journey is only beginning, but I can already feel that change. The circumstances of that are really horrible, but I kind of like this new feeling of family. It's starting to feel like the calm in the storm. My family has always been my foundation and my safe place, and that has never been more true.
Geoff and I went to his church last night for a Maundy Thursday service. (What the heck is Maundy Thursday??? I'm pretty sure they just made it up.) It was harder than I thought it would be. I'm angrier at God than I thought I was.
Near the end of the service, everyone started singing that old song 'I Have Decided to Follow Jesus' - and I started to cry. It just hit me in my gut.
Trusting Jesus and following Him isn't something that depends on my mood, my attitude, or anything else that's going on in my life that moment. It's a decision. And it's a decision that I've committed to. I'm following Him, no matter how unfair the world feels (and it is) or how much I question why He allowed this to happen (and I do).
I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back, no turning back
Because my faith is deeper than a feeling. And He hasn't failed me yet.
I'm still kind of angry, though.
Labels: Church the Universe and Everything, My Life, The C Word
posted by Lindsay @ 6:36 PM
2 Comments:
This post totally resonates with me, Lindsay. It is SO hard to keep trusting and believing when you are angry and hurting. But you're right; trusting Jesus can't depend on our mood or attitude. It's easy to trust him when things are peachy keen. It's in the rough patches that trusting him is more important than ever. And isn't that how it should be? When we need him most, he is there for us. He will never leave us.
Keep the faith, Lindsay.
I've heard so many people say that they have a hard time being close to God when things are going well in their lives. I've always felt the opposite - it's in those moments that are out of my control that I want to kick him and take over because I'm SURE that I could be doing a better job than he is.
This is challenging my faith, for sure, but I know that stretching and growing process is always a good thing in the end. It makes us who we are.
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