I'm blaming Katie a little bit for this one, but this song has been stuck in my head nonstop since Friday morning - kind of a theme song as I pick up some pieces and make a new plan to move forward.
It's actually not a bad theme song... This might end up being more than temporary. It maybe should have been 'mine' a long time ago.
Something has changed within me Something is not the same I'm through with playing by the rules Of someone else's game Too late for second-guessing Too late to go back to sleep It's time to trust my instincts Close my eyes... and leap
It's time to try Defying gravity I think I'll try Defying gravity Kiss me goodbye I am defying gravity And you won't bring me down
I'm through accepting limits Cause someone says they're so Some things I cannot change But till I try, I'll never know Too long I've been afraid of Losing love I guess I've lost Well, if that's love It comes at much too high a cost
I'd sooner buy Defying gravity Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity I think I'll try Defying gravity And you won't bring me down
-
I'm linking to the Glee version instead of the *authentic* Wicked version, just because it's awesome :)
No 'Friday Smile' this week... I kind of lost my job today. Over the phone. On the last Friday before Christmas.
FA LA LA LA LA.
I still have a few clients, but this was my major income source - a guaranteed 20 hours of work every week.
I wanted to get upset. I wanted to crawl back into bed and stay there. I wanted to cry and have terribly hurt feelings (even though it was totally a budget thing and nothing personal at all). But that's not Lindsay style. So I hung up the phone and jumped into the shower. I made myself presentable and went to go meet a potential new client for lunch. They signed our contract on the spot and I'll begin work right after Christmas. I'm really excited about it - I think they're a really fabulous fit and we're going to work really well together. Then I got an email from a friend with another really good lead on some freelance writing work starting in January.
These contracts won't totally replace the one I lost this morning. But even the most hardened pessimist would call that a very promising first six hours of quasi-unemployment. It's as if God knew that I was likely to panic about this, and just wanted to reach down and let me know that it's all going to be okay. Maybe MORE than okay, because I really wasn't happy with the contract anyway - I was taking one for the team to provide my family with some stability.
Maybe it's time to really take this 'running my own business' thing for a spin and see where it can go... Briony's older now and I feel like I'm in a really good place. WE'RE in a really good place.
I'm feeling a little bit excited. Also, a little bit like I just got punched in the gut (hey, this is SCARY). But I'm choosing to dwell more on the 'excited' part :)
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." (Marilyn Monroe)
Why is it that the things you look for never come when you want them?
I was presented with yet another opportunity to work full-time in a big girl office today... I swear, these offers have been JUMPING out of the freaking woodwork since I decided not to return to a traditional 9 to 5 job after my mat leave. It makes me happy to know that I'm still employable. But it also makes me really want to kick something because I truly wish that I could pursue these opportunities... I love what I do. And I loved doing it full-time. I just can't even wrap my head around not spending this time with Briony right now.
Nothing kills all tiny little remnants of a vacation-induced afterglow quite like REALITY. Geoff went back to work last night - his first shift after vacation and, more notably, his first shift in two months because of his knee injury back in October. And today was my first day back at the office since our trip.
Of course, Briony chose not to have a nap yesterday afternoon and instead ended up hanging out with me (so of course, no work got done and she was just kind of generally clingy and miserable).
Of course, Briony was looking borderline sick all day yesterday.
Of course, Geoff and I were feeling borderline sick all day yesterday too.
Of course, Geoff ended up having a lousy night sick at work.
Of course, Briony + I ended up having a lousy night sick at home.
Of course, I couldn't take any good cold meds because I was home alone with B and needed to be alert-ish when she woke up and needed me.
Of course, I slept through my alarm this morning and then felt icky and sluggish and then couldn't find anything I needed to get ready because I haven't put on makeup, left the house, or didn't make it into work until almost 11.
Of course, I made myself pretty(ish) and dragged myself in for what appears to be NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER.
Of course, the pay machine in the lot where I usually park wouldn't read my credit card. I was so fed up at that point that I just scribbled a note that the machine was broken and left it under my wiper on my windshield. So of course, I can expect a ticket later :)
*sigh*
I'm determined that it's not too late to turn today around... I'm just not quite sure exactly how I'll accomplish that.
I am sipping coffee, returning client emails, answering the phone, meal planning, making lists, listening to Elmo in the background... It's absolutely incredible how everything can go right back to normal in the blink of an eye :)
Getting to work mostly from home = THE BEST THING EVER
Always feeling like the new kid (who doesn't get any of the inside jokes or have any idea what's going on) every single time I work from the office = THE SUCK
This song has been rolling around my head today...
It's the first snowfall of the year - the absolute BEST part of living in Winnipeg. It's too beautiful for words.
It's today's news that my grandma is officially cancer-free. (I TOLD you to stop messing with the women in my life, Cancer. They're too strong for you. They will crush you like the snivelling little bitch you are.)
It's Katie being 'home' in Winnipeg again, and listening to Briony giggling her with upstairs. It feels like having part of our family back.
It's spending the week working on a client project that I am completely passionate about - a rare opportunity to actually do something good for the world through advertising.
It's FINALLY feeling like I just might beat this cold that's been hanging on so tightly.
The world just feels so fresh and new... I love it. I can't stop smiling today. I've missed this feeling of HOPE. It feels like the beginning of Christmas :)
And you ask me what I want this year And I try to make this kind and clear Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings And designer love and empty things Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
So take these words And sing out loud Cause everyone is forgiven now Cause tonight's the night the world begins again
I need someplace simple where we could live And something only you can give And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive And the one poor child who saved this world And there's 10 million more who probably could If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them
So take these words And sing out loud Cause everyone is forgiven now Cause tonight's the night the world begins again
I wish everyone was loved tonight And somehow stop this endless fight Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
So take these words And sing out loud Cause everyone is forgiven now Cause tonight's the night the world begins again Cause tonight's the night the world begins again
Okay, so moving our Josy Day to the day before the party might just be my most brilliant evil scheme to date. The work isn't ALL done for me, but having 95% of the clean-up done - BY SOMEONE ELSE - before our family's crazy double birthday weekend feels gooood. It kind of makes all my work stress worth it. This money was very hard earned, but very well spent.
I still have issues believing that I should be able to have it all and do it all. I'm realizing more all the time that I can't - that NO ONE CAN. And if in between taking care of and loving my family, working and running my own business, and keeping myself healthy, the thing that I need some extra help with is having my house cleaned twice a month, I think we're doing well. And more importantly, I've chosen to 'give up' the right thing - the thing that exhausts me and steals my joy.
Anyway. Enough justification. I'm going to go put my feet up and revel in my genius (read: find something to eat for lunch, clean out the fridge, write a news release, start a load of laundry, and prep for my two conference calls coming up this afternoon).
This has been one of the hardest weeks I’ve had in a while.
I’m not even sure why. We started out with such wonderful intentions. But work EXPLODED for me this week - to the point where I cried about it. Kind of a lot. And then Briony’s been higher maintenance than usual. And then I flared up to the point where walking became incredibly difficult. And then Geoff’s recovery kind of took a baby step back in terms of pain. And then I got sick - real, old fashioned cold + flu sick.
Oh, and did I mention that this weekend is Briony’s birthday party AND Geoff’s birthday? OF COURSE IT IS.
I’m not really proud to admit that I crumbled. The other day just before dinner time, I ended up in bed in the dark, sobbing and seriously considering never getting out of bed again.
But I did.
And we’re doing our best over here. Fortunately, our incredible friends and family have stepped up and helped ‘our best’ be more than enough this week. My mom came and did laundry, a few people surprised us with food, and Emily took me grocery shopping last night (and even unpacked it all into my fridge + cupboards when we got home).
Briony’s party - and our modest little birthday celebration for Geoff - won’t be *quite* everything I hoped and dreamed they would be. The house isn’t going to be as clean as I’d like it to be. And that’s okay. I’m looking forward to this weekend, and celebrating the two people in this world who took me from ‘just me’ to a full-on little family - and make every day totally worth getting out of bed for.
I'm up to my eyeballs in work projects and we're slowly getting used to life without Libby again. We're managing. I'm just EXHAUSTED from all the juggling - and praying that I'll be able to make this weekend a real, work-free weekend so that I'm ready to tackle an even crazier week next week.
This morning, I skipped MOMs group (BOO) to work and try to fend off a flare-up, then made lunch and rushed off to an afternoon of meetings at the office. I stopped at Starbucks to quarantine myself for 90 minutes in hope of hitting a few deadlines today before I need to go home and manage dinner, family time, and bedtime.
I made it to the front of the line and barely had my order out of my mouth - a Gingerbread Latte and Cranberry Bliss Bar - when I realized that I had left my wallet at home. No one had even marked my drink on the cup yet, so I quickly explained the situation and said I'd run home and come back. The barista (not the one from the other day) looked at me and said, 'Don't worry about it. I hate when that happens to me. No charge. If you really want to, you can pay for it next time. Or just leave a good tip when you stop by again.' And without another word, he made my latte and grabbed my snack from the case, handing it to me with a smile and a wish for a good day.
I'm sitting here now, trying to work, and trying even harder not to cry. What a simple little act of kindness in a crazy busy day.
Yesterday was a pretty good day. Actually, now that I stop and really think about it, the morning was TERRIBLE - so it must say something about the rest of the day that I just labelled it 'pretty good,' don't you think? Either that, or I've seriously changed my definitions of 'good' and 'bad' days given recent events... :)
Sunday night was one of the worst nights our little family has had in a long, long time. Briony went to bed super late (not for a lack of trying) and then was up twice during the night and then decided that 6 am was morning. It was beyond UGH. And have I mentioned that I'm sleeping on the couch? It just doesn't work for both Geoff + I to be in bed right now with his stupid messed up leg, so I've been on the couch for almost a week now. It sucks. My body is SCREAMING at me, but there's really no better option - and we all know it's super temporary. Anyway. I digress. Fortunately, Geoff + Libby were up around 8 am and sent me back to bed (my REAL bed) until 10 am. Briony + Libby + I ventured out then for a couple of hours of shopping.
That might have been the worst mommy mistake I've made so far.
Briony was in a foul mood and we had our first-ever Screaming Toddler Throwing a Tantrum in Public Experience. I know it's a right of passage, but I was reeeeally hoping to avoid it altogether just by being an awesome mom.
HA.
Anyway. The good news is that we made it home, fed her some lunch, and then she had a perfectly uneventful afternoon nap. I managed to shower and get some client work done. Libby did a Starbucks run and delivered a Pumpkin Spice Latte to calm my nerves. And the rest of the day was actually pretty great. I ended it off with a Girls Night Out - Pizzeria Gusto and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest at MTC - with my mom and her two sisters. Lovely. I may have even had a smile on my face when I got home.
I had a super hard time falling asleep, but when I did, I slept until 9.30 am. So did Briony. OH GLORIOUS SLEEP. Except for the part where I'd been planning to be at work for 10 am today.
So maybe scratch all that. I'm having TWO Mondays this week.
After my abrupt realization that I really should have set my alarm, I rushed around getting ready this morning, and my hair looks like shit in this ridiculously humid weather (totally one of those rare days when I curse myself for getting rid all my hair because just throwing it up used to be an awesome option on days like this). I ran into Starbucks and witnessed what I presume was a freelance client interviewing someone new (and suspiciously writer-looking... I totally walked up and said hi because I'm a little bit bitchy like that). I then drove downtown in the pouring rain, parked, and navigated the area of Portage + Main with an umbrella in one hand and a coffee in the other on my way to the office (an Olympic feat if there ever was one, and also probably how Mary Poppins started). My day has been a mix of interesting meetings + surly coworkers, but I know I get to leave before 2 pm for a massage today.
It's really almost impossible to be grumpy when you know you're less than two hours away from a massage appointment. And that's what I'm clinging to today.
Sharing the journey that has taken me from being a single girl in the advertising agency world to a married mommy running my own freelance writing and consulting business (and every random adventure in between).
THINGS I LOVE: Thunderstorms, power ballads, princess camping, exploring new cities, Jon Stewart, greatest hits CDs, clever ads, packing for a trip, George Clooney, impractical footwear, movies about spies, Starbucks, reading an entire book in one sitting, a house full of friends, movies about spies, buying presents, a perfect French manicure, warm modernist architecture, getting flowers for no reason, being faux brunette, Mary Poppins, making lists on Post-It notes, decorating for Christmas, having a brilliant middle-of-the-night 'aha!' idea and then actually remembering it in the morning / THINGS I HATE: People who whine, wearing sweats in public, 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner, birds, American tourists in foreign countries, taking down the Christmas tree, poems that rhyme, the misuse of semicolons, being lied to, unpacking after a trip, being closed-minded, naming your kid something common but then spelling it stupidly, cowboys, overly cautious drivers, fake curse words, ridiculously long surnames, strangers who start awkward conversations with you in places you can't readily escape
