Wednesday, August 18, 2010

A Little Bit Broken

Today is shaping up to be an imperfect trifecta of epic proportions: an epic level of stress, an epic level of pain, and an epic level of fatigue. I'm working very hard to remember that how I feel and respond to this is ALWAYS my choice.

I'm also working very hard not to *choose* to yell at people and kick them :)

I know I've been quiet lately - both on my blog and in my life. I'm not entirely sure why, but I've just been feeling a little more introverted than usual these days. I'm not hiding, but I think that part of me just doesn't want to subject other people to this.

This flare is exhausting me, and October's specialist appointment still feels awfully far away. I feel like I'm just barely managing to survive each day, and completely incapable of accomplishing anything more than that day's minimum. If you know me, you know that I HATE THAT.

It's wearing me down. But as I told Emily yesterday, even with these challenges (and they are seriously challenging me right now), my life is still full of every component of happiness. Whether I gather all those components together and choose to make it a happy life is my decision. And I do choose that. I'm just needing to redefine what a happy life looks like when I'm sick. And that process has been intensely personal - full of tears and frustration and a little bit of a broken heart.

But you know what helps me feel a little less broken? Going to see 'Eat Pray Love' last night with a couple of dear friends who've also read the book, and having a nerdalicious book vs movie discussion at Starbucks after. A husband who went to the theatre earlier in the day to pick up tickets so that I didn't need to wait in line. Putting together my old travel information to help Katie plan a trip to London. A surprise knock on my door from Christine, bearing flowers and a card and a hug just to let me know that she cares about what I'm going through.

I'll make it through simply because I'm not doing this alone. And because I'm so determined to do SO MUCH MORE than just survive this.

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At August 18, 2010 3:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess the "HATE THAT" portion of your blog is also a choice. I'm sure you are learning to let go of the negative thoughts that clutter up your mind and add to your stress. We all have that challenge and I like your choice to be happy:)


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