A Poor Me Moment
Lots to catch up on - lifewise and blogwise - after this weekend. For now, I have another client deadline to tackle. And I'm working very hard to fight against feelings of 'poor me' that are threatening to creep in tonight. It just feels a little like my life has been The Suck lately, and I'm running around like a crazy person trying to get things unpacked, prepped, cleaned, sorted, planned, organized... and Geoff is lying on the couch watching cartoons. STUPID FREAK DANCING ACCIDENT.
Labels: Bitching About Nothing, My Life, The Boy, The Great Knee Catastrophe of 2010
A Few Very Legitimate Tears
I don't think that I take Geoff for granted. I'm pretty sure that I've always been aware of all the ways he helps me out and steps in to fill the gaps left by my chronic illness... So I'm not sure what the universe is trying to prove.
All I know is that it's really, really hard to be the person in our family who's holding it all together. It sucks to have to do the big Superstore shop and run in at Costco and fill up the car and drive myself to work and take out the garbage - on top of all the Lindsay Things that I usually take care of (that somehow filled a WHOLE day and took ALL my energy before).
I ended up in tears a few times today - and what makes that super scary is that we still have Libby here, helping nonstop from 07.30 until well after Briony's in bed. And I only made it into the office once this week. And we still have some things in the freezer that our lovely friends have dropped off for us.
But we survived another day.
Labels: Arthritis/Fibromyalgia, Libby, The Great Knee Catastrophe of 2010
What A Difference
Oh, what a difference a day makes.
Last night's bedtime went really well (after we let her cry off-and-on for 20 minutes). This morning around 9 am (!), we were greeted by a surprise visitor to our home: one Briony Evangeline Wright, in all her giggly awesomeness. WELCOME HOME, BRIONY. Oh, how we've missed you. She spent half an hour before breakfast cruising around the house with the biggest grin in the world on her face because she'd discovered a ladybug in our house. 'Look, Mama! A ladybug! HE'S SO CUTE. And Briony's very cute.'
We had a totally successful naptime this afternoon and a totally successful bedtime tonight.
And Geoff got out of the house for the first time in a week (if you count the trip from the hospital to our house... or 11 days if you don't). Nerds that we are, the excursion was to get out and vote - and the weather was HORRIFIC - but I think he was just happy to breathe fresh air and see people who he's not related to. It was a big milestone.
Oh, and we made some arrangements this afternoon to keep Libby locked in our basement for four extra days - so she'll be staying until next week Wednesday. YAY.
No magic involved, but I'm definitely feeling a *glimmer* of optimism - and normalcy - again. We're going to figure this out.
Labels: Briony, Libby, Mommy Stuff, The Boy, The Great Knee Catastrophe of 2010
Manic Tuesday
I'm having my Monday on Tuesday this week.
Yesterday was a pretty good day. Actually, now that I stop and really think about it, the morning was TERRIBLE - so it must say something about the rest of the day that I just labelled it 'pretty good,' don't you think? Either that, or I've seriously changed my definitions of 'good' and 'bad' days given recent events... :)
Sunday night was one of the worst nights our little family has had in a long, long time. Briony went to bed super late (not for a lack of trying) and then was up twice during the night and then decided that 6 am was morning. It was beyond UGH. And have I mentioned that I'm sleeping on the couch? It just doesn't work for both Geoff + I to be in bed right now with his stupid messed up leg, so I've been on the couch for almost a week now. It sucks. My body is SCREAMING at me, but there's really no better option - and we all know it's super temporary. Anyway. I digress. Fortunately, Geoff + Libby were up around 8 am and sent me back to bed (my REAL bed) until 10 am. Briony + Libby + I ventured out then for a couple of hours of shopping.
That might have been the worst mommy mistake I've made so far.
Briony was in a foul mood and we had our first-ever Screaming Toddler Throwing a Tantrum in Public Experience. I know it's a right of passage, but I was reeeeally hoping to avoid it altogether just by being an awesome mom.
HA.
Anyway. The good news is that we made it home, fed her some lunch, and then she had a perfectly uneventful afternoon nap. I managed to shower and get some client work done. Libby did a Starbucks run and delivered a Pumpkin Spice Latte to calm my nerves. And the rest of the day was actually pretty great. I ended it off with a Girls Night Out - Pizzeria Gusto and
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest at MTC - with my mom and her two sisters. Lovely. I may have even had a smile on my face when I got home.
I had a super hard time falling asleep, but when I did, I slept until 9.30 am. So did Briony. OH GLORIOUS SLEEP. Except for the part where I'd been planning to be at work for 10 am today.
So maybe scratch all that. I'm having TWO Mondays this week.
After my abrupt realization that I really should have set my alarm, I rushed around getting ready this morning, and my hair looks like shit in this ridiculously humid weather (totally one of those rare days when I curse myself for getting rid all my hair because just throwing it up used to be an awesome option on days like this). I ran into Starbucks and witnessed what I presume was a freelance client interviewing someone new (and suspiciously writer-looking... I totally walked up and said hi because I'm a little bit bitchy like that). I then drove downtown in the pouring rain, parked, and navigated the area of Portage + Main with an umbrella in one hand and a coffee in the other on my way to the office (an Olympic feat if there ever was one, and also probably how
Mary Poppins started). My day has been a mix of interesting meetings + surly coworkers, but I know I get to leave before 2 pm for a massage today.
It's really almost impossible to be grumpy when you know you're less than two hours away from a massage appointment. And that's what I'm clinging to today.
Labels: Arthritis/Fibromyalgia, Briony, Family, Libby, Mommy Stuff, So Dramatic, The Boy, The Great Knee Catastrophe of 2010, Working Girl
How We Are Doing
So many people have been asking how we're doing. It's completely uncharacteristic, but I really have a hard time coming up with an answer.
We're managing. We're surviving. We're working very hard to take things day by day.
It's so tricky, because we're fully aware that this is NOT a disaster. It's a nuisance. But it's a significant nuisance in our world because we didn't start off as a normal family. We were already a family with a chronic illness - and now the one able-bodied adult in our household is more injured than I am. This impacts us in so many ways, right down to the mundane fact that the person who usually runs stairs for me when I forget something downstairs is not only not running stairs for me anymore, but he's also forced to ask me to run them for him.
Geoff's doing really well, and is starting to be a little bit more mobile in terms of getting up and down the stairs, etc - but he hasn't left the house since the hospital and I don't anticipate that changing anytime soon. He's off T3s but still needing very regular painkillers - and, of course, the brace that is quickly becoming an extra (super annoying) family member.
It has been an absolute godsend to have Libby here. She's taken on so much of the day to day care of Briony and so many details that keep our household running. I can't even tell you how it makes a difference in my day to wake up and find the dishwasher has already been cleaned out. And don't underestimate the value of Briony Duty... Our normally very easygoing toddler has been replaced with one who's easily upset, quite insecure, and downright terrible at bedtime (Libby's been up there with her for well over an hour already trying to get her to settle down... and we're talking about a kid who - DON'T HATE ME - can virtually always just be tossed into her crib and happily left for 13 or 14 hours). We're all being very patient with her because we understand how her world has been turned around this week, but it's capital-letters TOUGH.
On Day Eight of this fiasco, the adrenaline of the crisis is wearing off, and what's left in its place is exhaustion and pain (with a side of panic when I think that we've got another six weeks of this to go before life will even *begin* to resemble anything normal). I've been working very hard to schedule Lindsay Time and I'm taking lots of breaks so that I'm doing as well as I possibly can be when we need to say goodbye to Libby at the end of this week - but I have to question how those brief absences are impacting my insecure baby girl at home. See what I mean? TOUGH.
This week, I need to start to work more again, and it's making me want to cry to even imagine how to find the space in my life and in my head to manage that.
One day at a time... And there are bright spots in every single one of them. Watching Briony toddling around the house after Libby - her new favourite person in the world - and hearing them giggling upstairs until Briony is hysterical is so awesome. Awesome enough that it actually makes some of this drama and craziness seem worth it.
-
Some evidence that Geoff is alive and well. This was in the hospital before his surgery.
Briony thinks it's hilarious to pretend her foot is a phone.
Chillin' on the couch waaaay after Briony's bedtime. SIGH.
Labels: Arthritis/Fibromyalgia, Briony, Libby, My Life, The Boy, The Great Knee Catastrophe of 2010
A (Temporary) New Normal
Geoff is home. He's doing absolutely as well as can be expected. He's in a full leg brace and crutches, but handling it really well. It will be a few days before he's off T3s and a little more mobile. Over the course of the next six weeks, he'll be able to slowly start putting more weight on his leg and gradually starting to bend the knee. Of course, it's his right foot so I'll be the driver in this family for the foreseeable future. His time off work will be a minimum eight weeks.
Libby is settling in here and it's AWESOME. After a boring first 24 hours spent mostly at the hospital with Geoff and I, she's jumped right into helping around the house, running errands, and playing with Briony. I would be a total mess without her here right now.
We're feeling so very loved and supported. Our goals over the next couple of days will be to get Geoff feeling better, to help Briony transition into her (temporary) new normal, and to get me back working part-time.
Hoping for a very quiet and uneventful night... WHO AM I KIDDING. I'm hoping for a very quiet and uneventful REST OF OUR LIVES :)
Labels: Libby, The Boy, The Great Knee Catastrophe of 2010
Whaaaaat
I was SO MAD at God this morning.
I drove to the hospital in a lousy mood, preparing myself for another long day of waiting around and attempting to keep some perspective. Of course, I couldn't find a parking spot anywhere. It was supremely annoying, and I sent up a quick prayer (that in retrospect was possibly more like a dare) that I would find a convenient spot to park my car. And the longer I drove around, the angrier I got. Seriously. God couldn't come through on our prayers for Geoff's surgery, so why on earth would I expect that he could possibly care about something as insignificant as a parking spot. People passing by my car must have thought I was CRAZY because I was full-on yelling at God as I drove around. Just to prove my point, I circled back around to the best parking spots. I was mid-shriek when I rounded the corner and - OF COURSE - not one, not two, but THREE cars began pulling out of their prime parking spots.
Okay, okay. I GET IT. That was my first clue that maybe - just maybe - things were going to turn out okay today.
I spent the morning helping Geoff get cleaned up, then we took a little field trip up to his ward to say hi. Just before lunchtime, my parents brought Briony for a visit - it was SO GOOD to see and cuddle my monkey for the hour we had together.
Around 1.15, I left to go get Libby from the airport. I was having a deju vu parking moment in the parkade there when my BlackBerry informed me of a new text message. It was from Geoff, and he was letting me know that he was going for surgery immediately.
WHAAAAT.
So I picked up Libby, we grabbed lunch to go, quickly stopped in at home to drop off her bags, and raced back to the hospital. We were there in plenty of time to greet Geoff after he was out of recovery.
The surgery went perfectly, and if I live to be 200 years old, I will never understand how it all happened. There was no logical reason he got in for surgery today. All I know is that we prayed for a miracle to happen today, and we got our miracle. THANK YOU, GOD. (Oh, and sorry for yelling at you. Though you should probably know that I won't hesitate to do it again.)
Geoff's in a considerable amount of pain tonight. His nurse (a lovely gentleman named Lindsay - I COULDN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP) promised to keep the morphine coming all night long, so I left feeling like he was in good hands - but hating that I couldn't do anything to make it better.
If he's able to manage on T3s and get around on crutches - and if the initial healing of the surgical site looks okay - he'll get to come home as early as tomorrow or almost definitely the day after. Briony is tentatively scheduled to come back tomorrow evening too (and Libby arrived from Kamloops today) so we might just have an extra-full house by tomorrow night. And I could not be happier about it :)
Labels: Briony, Family, Libby, The Boy, The Great Knee Catastrophe of 2010
Disappointing News
I spoke with Geoff about a half hour ago. They had just let him know that four surgical patients came through the ER overnight - all higher priority than his knee surgery. The good news is that Geoff is absolutely the only surgical patient on standby whose surgery didn't get outright cancelled for today. The bad news is that it would take a minor miracle for his surgery to go ahead today: no more surgical patients being added to the list, every existing surgery on the schedule going perfectly without complications or delays, etc. There is a tiny glimmer of hope that surgery could happen late this evening. But as I said, it would take a minor miracle.
So we're officially praying for a miracle today.
Labels: Prayer Request, The Boy, The Great Knee Catastrophe of 2010
Hurry Up + Wait
So we waited all day for surgery today. And by 'we' I, of course, mean Geoff but I think it counts that I spent the day waiting with him. Right? :)
Just before 8 pm, we got the news that it wasn't going to happen. So Geoff got his one meal before starting the wait all over again (he can't eat or drink just in case an OR opens up with short notice). We'll play the same game tomorrow, hopefully with a happier ending.
I made it home just after 9 pm and had a bubble bath while drinking wine out of a frosty mug with a straw. If that's not a statement on how things are going, I'm not sure what is.
I miss having Geoff at home. This family doesn't work without him.
I miss my monkey, who's having a party at Grandma + Grandpa's house. The days are just happier when she's a part of them.
I miss working and making dinner and watching TV and going on walks and NORMAL.
I miss being able to make decisions about what is best for me and my health instead of shoving my own well-being aside to just go with the flow and survive this.
Our niece Libby arrives tomorrow, so we'll be able to make some decisions about when Briony should re-enter the picture here at home. And then maybe I can go grocery shopping. And reschedule my desperately needed but inconveniently scheduled massage + doctors appointments. It's really the little things right now... And today's tiny miracle was that Briony's antibiotics finally appear to be working a little bit - she was better today instead of the same or worse, and WE'LL TAKE IT :)
We're keeping our perspective. This is *so* not a disaster. It's just hugely annoying. And we need to get this surgery out of the way so that we can stop waiting and start recovering.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to all of you who are continuously filling my inbox with messages of encouragement and support. They are fueling us in a way you'll never know, and I hope that we're able to reflect that same love back onto you when you need it.
Labels: Briony, Family, The Boy, The Great Knee Catastrophe of 2010
Kindness Attack
I am literally in shock from kindness right now. Seriously. My whole body is shaking, my eyes are full of tears, my teeth are chattering... I'm finding it difficult to type this. I am so blown away by awesomeness that my body can't process it. HOW COOL IS THAT.
This morning was spent colouring and playing play-doh with my beautiful (still kind of sick) daughter who couldn't stop with the hugs and the 'I love yous' - as if she just knew that something was wrong today. In between, I managed to get us both fed and dressed - and ran through two loads of laundry so that I could start to pack a few days worth of things for her. My parents came, and my mom stayed with Briony while my dad drove me to my car - abandoned at the scene of Geoff's accident last night - and then they took over munchkin care for a couple of days while I headed to the hospital to be with the other half of my little family.
Geoff's been admitted to the hospital and is currently waiting for emergency surgery to reattach a major tendon in his knee. It was a dance injury. You know I'm not joking because YOU CAN'T MAKE THAT KIND OF STUFF UP. He was at a friend's social solo last night because I didn't want to leave Briony sick with a babysitter, and something was spilled on the dance floor, and - well - if you've ever seen my husband dance then you know what happened next. When he landed, something went horribly wrong, and the next thing anyone knew I was getting a call that my husband was on his way to the emergency room.
Surgery was supposed to happen tonight, but it's been bumped to tomorrow. The recovery is expected to take at least six weeks after that. If you're curious,
here's a link to the nitty gritty details.
YES, we are still going to New York. Remember, I'm sick anyway - it was always going to be a slowly-paced trip with minimal walking involved (by NYC standards) - now he'll just be my speed :)
All day today, I was pushing down the panic by forcing myself to focus on just one day at a time. I had today and tomorrow figured out, but if I looked any farther than that... PANIC. Then this evening, we received one of the greatest gifts of our lives: one of our nieces will be arriving in Winnipeg on Tuesday and staying for twelve days to help us through the most stressful part of Geoff's recovery. In one phone call and an email, my 'one day at a time' has just been solved for FOURTEEN DAYS. That's two weeks. TWO WEEKS out of our most critical six weeks. I didn't even realize the depth and the magnitude of my panic until my panic was taken away just now.
I love Geoff's family. I'm still new and I'm still getting to know them, but to see that they're the kind of people who would drop everything to figure out a way to help sums up everything you need to know. And between my parents and their immediate rescue mission this morning, the nonstop offers of encouragement and support I've been getting from my friends all day - and this latest solution to send Libby our way - I'm feeling like our little family is just being covered from head to toe in kindness.
My panic attack was replaced with a kindness attack. Isn't that so beautiful? :)
Labels: Family, My Friends, The Great Knee Catastrophe of 2010
