Freedom
Lately, I've been struggling with the idea of freedom.I think that, for as long as I've been a Christian and attending church, I've heard about freedom and just kind of assumed that the feeling of freedom is something that God gives us automatically. More and more, I'm realizing that freedom - like everything about Christianity - is a choice. God doesn't force himself on people. He doesn't shove a whole book full of rules down our throats. Every aspect of my faith (including that faith itself) is something that I have chosen for my life. And accepting the freedom that is found in my faith is another one of those choices.
This is all very top-of-mind for me right now, because I made a deal with myself that - post baby - I would only step on a scale once per month. I was so proud of myself, because I actually waited six weeks before stepping on a scale again this past Sunday. And much to my disappointment, I actually *gained* two pounds in the last six weeks. I was absolutely devastated. Who are we kidding... I'm *still* devastated. And I'm frustrated because I have old demons coming back to haunt me, reminding me that there's a surefire way to drop all this baby weight in a hurry by allowing myself to return to a life with an eating disorder - an eating disorder that I thought I was free from.
But here's the thing about freedom, at least the way it works in my life: it works better when it's freedom through God, rather than freedom through myself. I've done everything I can to free myself from this disease. I went to therapy, I made lifestyle changes, I distanced myself from people who were a negative influence on my self-esteem, and I've made it almost five years and counting without allowing myself to relapse... I thought I was free. Clearly, I'm not. I can't find that freedom on my own. But I also can't expect it to come automatically.
There are stories in the Bible of people who experience healing. Whether you believe those stories are literal and true or not is beside the point. The point is that those stories are full of people who get up and seek out Jesus, they pursue him and everything he has to offer them. They aren't healed because they happened to be in the right place at the right time when Jesus went skipping through the meadow sprinkling magical healing fairy dust. They are healed because they ask, because they believe, because they drag themselves through a crowd of people in order to be near him and to make their needs known.
I don't have this all figured out. I just know that the freedom I'm looking for isn't coming from anything that I've been doing. And there's no guarantee - even with all the faith in the world - that this is something that I *can* be free of in this lifetime. All I know for today is that I have faith in a God who is stronger than I am, who longs to see my life overflowing with freedom. I'm not saying that I'm giving up on anything that I'm doing, just that I need to start letting God help too.
We're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.
2 Corinthains 4.7
Labels: Faith the Universe and Everything, Stuff I'm Thinking About
posted by Lindsay @ 4:03 PM
5 Comments:
A good thing: Spring is coming when you can get more active. Maybe it's those delicious crockpot recipes:) Just use a small plate and trust in Him who gives freedom of choice to keep you on the right path.
It never fails to amaze me how difficult it is to let go...seems like it would be so simple to just hand things over to Him, sit back, and relax, but it doesn't work that way...we're strong women and we are constantly influenced by the temptation to be overly independent. Just want to encourage you to keep the faith! Keep pushing forward even when it's not easy. And for what it's worth, I think you've never looked more beautiful. Motherhood has given you such an amazing glow! Hugs!
The thing is that we are still tempted to do things "the old way". But being tempted is not sin and in fact, learning to stand up to temptation and relying on God to help you to stand is a great strengthening on your faith! Be encouraged when you take a stand against those thoughts of going back to your eating disorder! Romans 5:3-5
"we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
Weight SUCKS. I don't even own a scale - so I just jump on Mom's when I go home. And that stupid thing hasn't moved in months. And I'm trying to be a hot bride here in a couple of months. SUCKS. TO everyone that ever said "breastfeeding makes the weight just fall right off!" I have a few, choice words for you. We're 9 and a half months into breastfeeding - ONLY breastfeeing, and have I mentioned the stupid scale isn't moving? I think it's even harder when you have a little someone who's whole world revolves around eating and eats every 3 hours - either a snack or a meal. So all I do some days is think about food, and what and when it's coming next.
Long ramble, basically just trying to say, "I hear ya." But do know you're not alone. :)
That verse is a great reminder. :) Thanks for sharing that.
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