I Love, Therefore I Feel
The Blog Entry I'm *Actually* Posting on March 24 :)Church was hard yesterday morning. I knew that I was singing. I knew that my mom was coming. I knew that my dad would be making an announcement that they are stepping down from all their church leadership roles, and sharing about my mom's diagnosis. I knew all of those things... And I still couldn't help but cry. In public. On stage.
But instead of feeling vulnerable and gross, I actually felt very safe. I was totally surrounded by friends (and friends who had the foresight to have Kleenex on hand, just in case - thanks, ladies). It crossed my mind that my tears might be making other people uncomfortable. But when I thought about it later, I realized that I didn't care. If people can't deal with authentic emotions, then I'm sad for them and the lack of love in their lives. Because when you love other people and get involved in their lives, you feel things - lots of things, good and bad. You cry with them when they are sad, and you celebrate with them when they are happy. That's the risk you take when you choose to love.
I love, therefore I feel.
When I was little, one of my favourite books to read with my mom was a book about a rabbit whose ears drooped down instead of being perky like the other rabbits' ears. Leo tries everything from tying other rabbits' ears down with rocks to hanging upside-down with a possum, but at the end of the book, everyone decides that normal is whatever you are.
I'm deciding that normal is whatever I feel. And so I'm doing my best not to regulate my emotions. When I need to cry, I'm crying and going through Kleenex like it's going out of style. When I need to laugh, I'm laughing until my stomach hurts. The result is that I might sometimes look a little crazy from the outside. But I'm normal, and I'm living this - and feeling it - the best way I know how to.
Labels: Can You Handle The Truth?, Family, My Life, The C Word
posted by Lindsay @ 6:38 PM
3 Comments:
I think it's incredible you and your sis are both expecting (that pic is AWESOME btw) and I think you're on to something about it being a much needed distraction in a way.
I can't imagine being faced with the news your mom is dealing with but it sounds like you are all an incredible support for one another and that counts for SO much.
Your way with words in all of these posts, but this one in particular, is really something. This post actually reminded me of something I read today (the universe's timing is odd sometimes)
"Be fully who you are, for there will never again be anyone like you."
Praying for you all and thanks for the heads up on the tissue - I needed them.
I love this post Lindsay. Last year I renewed my resolve to live more authentically. I have never been a public crier but got over that REAL quick this last year. If my tears make you uncomfortable, that's your problem, not mine. When you share your grief, the burden is lightened immediately. I wish I had learned that ten years ago.
Anything you need, I'm here for you.
wow lindsay, what a roller-coaster of a month you've had... first of all, huge congrats on expecting! (even though unexpected), it's such an amazing and exciting feeling to know something is growing inside you (and taking over the body you once thought you knew!)... i'm really happy for you both :)
Second of all... i just wanted you to know that i'm praying for your mom and whole family during this tough time... and don't worry your tears in church didn't make me uncomfortable, i even shed a few of my own.
take care of yourself (and don't worry about the caffeine - tea - i think you're allowed quite a significant amount when prego)
-danae
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