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Mothers and Daughters

The Blog Entry I Would Have Posted on March 14

I can't remember when I've ever cried so much in my life. Last night, on the phone with my mom, I managed to stay at least somewhat brave until I hung up - we won't speak about what happened after that.

This has been the hardest week of my entire life, no question. The harsh truth is that my mom and I both had unscheduled appointments with our shared GP on the very same day - about three hours apart. At my appointment, I found out that I am pregnant. At her appointment, she found out that she probably has cancer. The universe is so cruel. Especially because, after she called to tell me about her news, I felt like I couldn't share mine. And I feel like I'm carrying around this huge secret. Well, I AM, but it's bigger and deeper than that. Because I know what she doesn't right now: that our worlds pretty much collided on Monday, in such a horrific way.

Now Geoff and I honestly don't know what to do. The reality is that I need my mom SO MUCH right now, and I need to be sharing this pregnancy with her and asking hundreds of random little questions (my hips ache so much today... is that normal?). But I didn't have a chance to tell her before her whole world fell apart. And she has bigger things to worry about now. There is literally no way to tell her now - post cancer news - that won't break her heart.

Somehow, the happiest news in the world has turned into something so incredibly sad. I wanted SO MUCH to share this news with my family right away. And now I really don't know when we'll tell them.

And that's why I cried for about two hours without stopping last night. The ugly kind of crying. The kind where you end up with mascara and trails of snot everywhere, your eyes swell almost shut, and you make weird little animal sounds. Because I want to be celebrating right now, not grieving. And life is just so incredibly unfair sometimes.

Labels: Baby Talk, Family, My Life, The C Word

posted by Lindsay @ 6:32 PM