Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Stupid

I did something a little bit stupid today. And I'm trying not to beat myself up over it.

I started back on arthritis meds a week ago and while they did what they needed to in terms of cutting down on my pain, the side effects have been making me batty. Tuesday was a tough day in terms of toughing it out, and my frustration started to peek through in the way I started treating everyone around me like a total psycho bitch.

I was thinking about my situation last night and I convinced myself that maybe - just maybe - last week's flare was just a blip. A speed bump, if you will. I wondered to myself if maybe I was actually pretty much okay underneath this cover of drugs and if maybe I'd be okay without them. I decided to try. Honestly, it was a reasonable risk given how lousy the side effects have been making me feel and the quality of life they've been sucking away from me. And so I didn't take my meds today.

The result? It is currently midnight, and I am sitting here forcefeeding myself a muffin that I am totally not hungry for so that I can take a dose of my meds + a strong painkiller. Then I'm going to curl up on the couch, watch TV, and pray that I'll eventually doze off because I am in *way* too much pain to sleep this way. And of course, tomorrow morning is my first morning back in the office since The Big Flare. And of course, Geoff's going in for a shift later tomorrow because we thought I'd be okay.

See what I mean? STUPID.

Stupid and also a little bit scary, because I'm obviously still sick like crazy underneath all these meds (which actually explains why I feel so incredibly worn out). ARGH.

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3 Comments:

At July 08, 2010 9:01 AM, Blogger Nikki + Shane said...

oh man, sorry to hear this. hope the meds kicked in.

 
At July 08, 2010 9:37 AM, Anonymous Marilyn said...

Not stupid, just experimentation:) Recently my niece's daughter didn't like the side effects of her anti-convulsant, skipped the med. and had a convulsion. We all dislike meds.

 
At July 08, 2010 2:29 PM, Blogger Sara Beth said...

So that's why you were up searching out password cracking solutions for me late into the night? Don't feel guilty for trying without the meds. You made a judgment call, it didn't pan out, but it's not your fault. Not at all. You're doing your best as a mommy, wife, and career woman - no guilt, girl! None. It's not worth it. Sending love!

 

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