runlindsayrun

What Comes Next

It's been a few months now since my mom's amazing news that her preliminary tests came back cancer-free. I still get choked up every time I pause and let myself think about that day... It was a very good day.

It was the miracle we'd been praying for, but it wasn't miraculous. It wasn't anything like what I imagined our Answer To Prayer would be like. We're still journeying through a place that's sometimes very dark, in the aftermath of an incredibly difficult year. My mom is still experiencing some of the physical symptoms of her treatments and surgeries, and she's still on medication that makes her sick. And I can see the battle scars on other members of our family, who are only now really beginning to go through their own processes of feeling and healing.

It's like the whole world around us wants to celebrate this victory. But it doesn't always feel very victorious. There is no date marked on my calendar as The Day My Mom Didn't Have Cancer Anymore. We're still working our way through.

And there is no way to go back to Before, to bury your head in the sand and pretend that all there is to life is right in front of you. I'm reminded of that every time I see my mom with Briony. Some days, it feels normal and happy and absolutely fine. Other days, it feels like I'm going to explode, I'm so full of emotion - wondering how I could have done this without her or thinking about how this moment would be completely missing from Briony's life if the outcome of surgery and chemo and radiation had been different. Sometimes, watching Briony's face light up when she sees my mom absolutely breaks my heart. Some days, I just need to cry, and I wonder how something that happened eighteen months ago can still feel so raw.

I feel so lucky... And then I feel so guilty. Because I did absolutely nothing to deserve the blessing of being able to spend more time with my mom. And everywhere I look, I'm surrounded by people who weren't as lucky as we were. It makes me want to simultaneously dance and puke. (Now there's a pretty picture.)

It turns out that I know how to be the daughter of a breast cancer patient. I have absolutely no idea how to be the daughter of a breast cancer survivor. But I'm learning.

Labels: Can You Handle The Truth?, Family, Stuff I'm Thinking About, The C Word

posted by Lindsay @ 9:26 PM