Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Finding the Fight

I'm having a hard time being positive today.

I'm finding it very difficult to find words to describe how I'm feeling. More than anything, I think that I'm fighting an overwhelming feeling of loss, and feeling that everything good in my life is slipping away from me.

The idea of what I'm doing to Geoff and Briony right now - and the realization of what having active arthritis again could mean for us - is quite literally breaking my heart. It was one thing for me to deal with this when I was single. I never, ever wanted to do this to my family. I want to question my decisions to share my life with them at all, knowing that this was always a possibility - but I'm refusing to even go there. They are the very best things in my life and they make me want to fight, even today when I don't feel strong enough.

As tough as it was, I know that letting Briony go home with my parents last night was the right decision. I needed today to get my tears out and to find the fight in my spirit again. I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way.

I've won this battle before, and I will do it again... I have to.

Labels: , , , , , ,


At June 29, 2010 2:31 PM, Blogger Melanie said...

Oh Linds. I wish I could hug you from here. This sucks. I should have made the choice to come and drink a bottle of red wine with you last night instead of work. We'll have to defer until Lilith. I'm praying for you as you continue this battle.

At June 29, 2010 3:22 PM, Blogger Lenore @ Lather. Write. Repeat. said...

Stay strong Lindsay. I'm sending you my good thoughts and vibes and hoping things are better soon.


At June 29, 2010 9:03 PM, Anonymous Marilyn said...

Since God IS in control of your life, (and I have no answers as to 'why' bad things happen), you can relax and know that He also placed Geoff and Briony in yours - 'for better or worse'. You will all find your way in this journey together and all be blessed by each other. We are only responsible for what we 'can' do not for what we 'might' do.

At June 30, 2010 12:03 AM, Blogger Margaret said...

Marilyn is a very wise woman Lindsay - I think she's also part of God placing certain people in your life. She was so right, you & Geoff will find your way because God is in control and leading you.

At June 30, 2010 10:16 AM, Anonymous erin said...

you will win the fight! you are strong, even when you don't feel it. you are strong because there are tons of people out here praying for you. (((hugs))) my friend.

At June 30, 2010 1:28 PM, Anonymous Nessie said...

Oh, Lindsay. I'm so sorry you're not doing well.

I'm a longtime reader of your blog, and I just wanted to say that I am daily amazed by your courage and strength. Reading about your daughter and the joy she brings is delightful. I hope your flare doesn't last long!


Post a Comment

<< Home