runlindsayrun

A Happy Coincidence

Today was a low day. They just happen sometimes. I'm not really sure what to blame it on, and I'm not really sure that I want to.

I want to be better at my life. I want to be a perfect wife. I want all my clients to be happy. I want my house to be spotless. I want my bank account to look different than it does. I want to like the way I look. I want to have more time for my friends. I want to find some time for me again. I want to care less about disappointing others. I want my to-do list to get shorter, not longer.

I'm incredibly imperfect, and I'm incredibly tired of hurting. And the latest, greatest solution that I started on this past weekend is making me feel fuzzy - lousy timing, because I have so many writing projects to tackle at work right now. Nothing like trying to be creative on a tight timeline when your brain feels like it's made of oatmeal and you're acutely aware of every muscle and joint in your body that hurts.

Alas, no rapid miracle cure again this time. I hate this sinking feeling in my stomach that maybe there's no cure at all. Maybe the problem is me, and the solution is to adjust to this new reality. But that means putting an end to all this fighting - and the fight has formed so much of my identity that it's not really an option to me at all. My tired, fuzzy brain today actually paused to wonder if maybe the fighting is making me worse, and not better.

I should be sleeping, but I'm to busy obsessing about all the things that didn't get done today. My to-do list for work tomorrow is scaring me, and the current state of my kitchen is embarrassing. It's that moment (you know the one I'm talking about) where I must decide where my priorities lie - with stuff or with sleep.

Ugh. I know the correct answer.

But quickly, before I do, a story from today that made me grin from ear to ear... One of my clients (one of my favourites... shhh!) approached me to help him develop a community relations campaign for a charity project he's tackling this coming year. I lit up for two reasons. The first is that developing these types of campaigns is absolutely one of my very favourite parts of my job, and something I don't get to do every day. The second is that he told me about this project of his - and he's doing Joints in Motion! After I told him the two-sentence version of my history with the program, we both laughed. It got even funnier when we discovered that the location he's picked is one that Geoff and I have shortlisted. And then I had the enormous privilege of hearing a little bit of his story about why he's doing this and who he's running for. It was just one of those moments that made me so sure that I'm where I'm supposed to be, and that there is so much good left in this world.

Even my fuzzy brain and my tired, hurting heart could see clearly that the fight is not over yet. Not even close. Not until the fat lady sings. And that's not happening anytime soon, because I need to start training for another race :)

Labels: Arthritis/Fibromyalgia, Can You Handle The Truth?, Cocoon, Joints in Motion, My Life

posted by Lindsay @ 11:29 PM