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I'm Sensitive

I realized today that I'm a sensitive person. Actually, I'm not sure if today's the first day that I've realized that - but it's one of the first times that I'm comfortable acknowledging it.

My former therapist told me that I was very sensitive. I laughed at her. I told her that I was tough. And she said that may be, but that I was an incredibly sensitive person. She told me that I'd be happiest in my life if I could figure out a way to love and embrace that part of who I am - because the world doesn't have that many of us, and it's one of the most special parts of me.

And a few weeks ago, my chronic pain specialist looked up at me and stated very matter-of-factly that I was incredibly sensitive to medications. In fact, he started me on my current meds at 1/3 the regular dose, and he's convinced that it will work for me the way that a full dose works for others. He may be right, because I'm having side effects even at this ridiculously small dose. It's amazing to me that no one's picked up on this before. It definitely explains all my side effects over the past 16 years. But when he said it, I wanted to fight him on it.

I told Geoff about this little revelation of mine over dinner tonight. He smirked and said, 'Um, yeah.'

In my head, sensitivity equals weakness. But even if I put on my 'tough' mask, it doesn't mean that things aren't affecting me exactly the same way on the inside. And that causes me BIG concern... Especially as someone who believes strongly that whatever's going on inside (and is not being dealt with in a healthy way) has a funny way of catching up with you and messing with your health.

This week at work, instead of fighting and yelling and arguing someone into the ground (and I knew I could), I stopped and I let myself feel. It sounds so simple, but we're talking about a girl with a STRICT no-tears-about-work, business-isn't-personal policy. But when I really stopped and felt what was going on today, I realized that it IS personal. It's personal because - in my determination to do the very best work that I can - I bring ALL of me to the table when I'm working. And his words really hurt me. And so, I put words to my feelings - honest words like hurt and sad and disrespected and disappointed. And I communicated them in a kind and open way. And you know what? My words caused him to communicate his own kind and open words. Imagine that.

It was scary, absolutely. But it made me realize that being sensitive isn't weak at all. In fact, it's incredibly strong.

There's an old Jewel song that my mom used to say reminded her of me. I finally realized why today. Guess she knew all along.

I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
Your words can crush things that are unseen
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.

You always tell me that is impossible
To be respected and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated?
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated?
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.

I was thinking that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we can give it to people who have some faith
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.

I have this theory that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way.
- Jewel, 'I'm Sensitive'

Labels: Cocoon, My Life, Stuff I'm Thinking About

posted by Lindsay @ 11:59 AM