runlindsayrun

Glimmer

I don't know what scared me more about this morning's appointment: the idea that this new doctor wouldn't be able to help me, or the idea that he would (meaning that I've lived my last three years in constant pain that was totally unnecessary).

I met with Dr. Chernish this morning at 7.45. I went through the usual medical history sheets and coloured in all the parts of my body that hurt me. I changed into my shorts and t-shirt. And I waited in the little examination room, feeling... small, apprehensive, cold, afraid, unsure, and incredibly tired.

I met with the doctor for about half an hour. He asked incredibly good questions, and gave me a little glimmer of hope because he's the first doctor I've encountered so far who is approaching this from a holistic point of view. He didn't waste energy debating whether or not my pain was real. He simply accepted that I hurt as much as I say I hurt, and started working full-force to find the source and the cause - instead of just suggesting little ideas to mask my symptoms with drugs.

He got me started on a very low-dosage sleeping pill ('because if you're waking up tired every day, you're going to feel lousy no matter what else we do'). He sent me for a full spinal x-ray. He sent me for a massive blood test, checking for every possible cause or complicating factor under the sun - including a few things that I'd suggested to my GP a hundred times, that he said I was 'too young to worry about.' And he scheduled a follow-up appointment with me for the 26th, where we'll review all the test results and try acupuncture on my neck and back to see if it makes a difference.

At the end of the appointment, he looked at me and asked if all my questions had been answered or if there was anything else I wanted to talk about. What?! I have NEVER had a doctor take the time to ask me that before.

And so, no real solutions per se. And no big miraculous difference in my life today. But a little bit of hope. I now have a medical partner who believes that I should be able to live my life without pain. That sounds so simple, but it's incredibly hard to find. And it feels really good to be DOING something.

The irony is that even with all this newfound hope, I hurt more today than I have in a while. It's actually really hard to concentrate on anything. All I can think about is going home and sleeping for a really long time.

-

An oldie but a goodie, and something that's been running through my head lately:

After A While
(Veronica A. Shofstall)

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth.

Labels: Arthritis/Fibromyalgia, My Life

posted by Lindsay @ 11:37 AM