Monday, March 22, 2010

With a Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy tonight.

My grandma is starting chemo this week, exactly two years after my mom's cancer journey began. I'm trying to focus on the idea of Easter - and chemo - representing new life, but I wish for the old days when Easter meant chocolate and a long weekend.

We had our family gathering early today so that we could all spend some time together - and with my grandma - before chemo starts. After dinner, we all gathered as a group and talked about how we were feeling about starting this journey together and we prayed for my grandma and grandpa. It was really nice... But I had to leave for a few minutes close to the end. I'm just so upset that this is happening again (and then I immediately feel awful, because none of this is happening to me). It's not me, but it's been two of the most important women in my life. And it feels SICK that my mom would beat cancer only to have to immediately turn around and walk through it with one of the most important people in her life - which is going to hurt her very badly all over again, just in a different way. I'm not sure that any of us are ready for this. I wish to God that I didn't know what was coming.

And I'm still not really ready to talk about it, other than to say that I may have solved part of the mystery of why I've been feeling so OFF lately... I may just quit my day job and become a detective or something ;)

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At March 22, 2010 12:54 AM, Blogger Black Out Photography said...

I definitely know how you're feeling. I'm just really glad that you could be there. We were there in thoughts and prayers but that didn't seem to do it justice. It hurts. And my heart feels heavier than ever. Know that I'm thinking of you too all the time. Love you.

At March 22, 2010 11:30 AM, Anonymous Marilyn said...

In our devotional reading this AM the idea of 'shooting prayers' at people when you meet (think) of them was mentioned. So I will shoot/pray whenever I think of the entire family - with thanksgiving that God will provide all that everyone needs through these weeks. The image of 'footprints in the sand' comes to mind.

At March 22, 2010 2:58 PM, Anonymous Momma said...

Do we ever feel ready for anything? Did you feel ready to get married, have a baby, have surgery etc. etc.? I think that's why we need to rely on God and the strength of others in tough situations. We can't do this by ourselves without going kaput in the process. And you're the one that said that when we invest in the lives of others, we run the risk of bearing their pain, but we also reap the blessings of sharing in their joy. And that's what family is all about :)

At March 23, 2010 7:51 AM, Blogger Lindsay said...

I'm so sorry Lindsay. My thoughts are with you.

At March 23, 2010 2:52 PM, Blogger Lindsay said...

Jess - Wish you could have been there too.

Marilyn - I love that idea :)

Mom - Ooh, I hate it when I'm right. You'd think I'd be used to it by now... hehe.

Lindsay - Thanks :)


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