Friday, November 28, 2008

Good Intentions

I'm finding that I really enjoy being a mom. And I know I'll enjoy it even more once I have my health back. But even on the very hardest days, there is nothing that can't be fixed by cuddling your baby and having her look up into your eyes or grab onto your finger. I know that I'm in trouble once she starts with the smiling and cooing.

Truth? It's been an incredibly difficult two weeks. I knew that I'd need to heal from labour and delivery just like everyone else - and experience sleep deprivation just like everyone else - but I had a few extra challenges thrown in. My arthritis flare-up last week made it almost impossible to pick up my baby, and many tears were shed over that development. I was so grateful that Geoff was home because he was able to bring her to me and I could cuddle with her propped up on pillows beside me.

This week has definitely been better. But it brought its own challenges... Here's the 'too much information' part of my update :)

Because of the mastitis I mentioned earlier and a few additional complications, I had to stop breastfeeding last weekend. Instead, I've been pumping and then bottle feeding - which is a lovely idea, but it's been exhausting. It takes twice as long as either breastfeeding or simply giving her formula, and while I know it's been the right decision, it hasn't helped my sleep situation - and, therefore, my health - at all. I think it's also delaying my recovery from the infection itself, because I'm running myself ragged. I promised myself that I wouldn't make any big decisions for me, they would always be all about my baby - but it's looking like my body might be making this 'selfish' decision on my behalf. The milk I'm able to pump has been diminishing over the past day or two, and we've been forced to start supplementing with formula. And I'm nowhere near healed enough to give breastfeeding another shot right now. I think this may be the beginning of the end. I know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with giving your baby formula, and I've sacrificed so much to make sure that she's receiving as many breastfeeding benefits as she possibly can - it's just something that I'm grieving right now. So many tears have fallen over this one... My mom and Geoff have handled the majority of those tears, and I'm so happy that I have their love and support and understanding. I know it's not true, but it's really hard not to feel like I've failed in a fundamental job that I had to do as a mom. Hormone-driven lies, I know. But that's where I'm at this week.

Well, I'm off to try to sneak in a quick nap. I prayed that I'd have a cuddly baby, and I do... In fact, her favourite time to cuddle is at night - and I was only able to put her down for about three hours total last night. There's a reason why God makes babies so ridiculously cute, otherwise I think that mothers would probably be tempted to eat their young :)

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posted by Lindsay @ 9:16 AM

2 Comments:

At November 28, 2008 9:45 AM, Blogger Elleah said...

I had wanted to breastfeed Kiera for her first year, but had to quit when she was 8 months old because she wouldn't stop biting me. I, too, had a really hard time making that decision. Sometimes you have to do what's best for you too, and your baby will be just fine. :)

 
At November 29, 2008 5:57 PM, Blogger Sara Beth said...

We've been pumping and breastfeeding each day up until two days ago when I started breastfeeding alone during the day with bottles at night. Because Eva Beth was so early we had to put her on strict formula feedings and supplement with breastfeeding. Now we are starting to turn that around, but it's been a tough go. I know all about doing double the work (pumping and bottlefeeding) and we always tried a half hour of real breastfeeding at the beginning of all that, too. Anyway, this new mom shares your exhaustion. I've also struggled with whether or not it's been worth it to continue breastfeeding, and had my tears because it "should be" different than this, easier than this. :) right? right? Anyway, love and prayers are you sort out feeding issues.

By the way, have you caught yourself saying "this is what my new life is now" a hundred times over as you talk about mastitis, pumping, breastfeeding, all things boob related and diapers these days? Yeah, me, too. Not in a bad way, just realizing what a big important addition to your life a baby is... :)

PS She's gorgeous and makes Eva look so tiny still...

 

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