Endings
Yesterday night was kind of tough for me... I went to my last band practice with the team I've been singing with for a decade. Sunday will be my last time singing with them (at least for the foreseeable future). It was good - fun - but I fell apart when I got home.It's becoming incredibly hard not to feel like everything is ending. And I know that it needs to end for all the wonderful new things that are coming to start... But I feel like I'm giving up so much, and all at the same time.
I was telling Geoff about it last night, and I cried for a bit. I know it's okay - and I'm happy, and I want this. It's just hard. It's not like I wanted a baby because I was unhappy or trying to fill a void. My life is amazing. It could have continued on exactly like this for another five years, and I would have been perfectly happy. I know that these changes mark the beginning of a new kind of happiness... But I sometimes wonder if my current state of contentment makes it harder to be going through these adjustments now.
It will be okay. I know that the next couple of weeks will be hard, working my way through all these endings. But the beginnings are coming, just around the corner, and that's going to be so incredible.
Labels: Baby Talk
posted by Lindsay @ 11:14 AM
8 Comments:
You are in my thoughts! I know it's tough, and it feels like everything is changing all at once. I felt the same way, like things were moving so fast, and I couldn't keep up...don't worry, once you see your little girl for the first time, all that melts away, and you couldn't imagine your life in any other way!
It's so good that you are able to put some of your feelings into words as you continue to transition these days. I guess you are seeing that life just doesn't stay static but keeps on changing. Keep looking up:)
I didn't know yesterday was your last practice and your last Sunday. Ahhhh! I wasn't sure what the exact date was. Crap and we didn't get all sappy and make you cry in front of everyone. We will miss you like crazy and all your heartfelt sarcasm and mic testing. Your place is always there for you so don't look at this as an ending of anything. We'll have to make a scene on Sunday then instead! Hugs.
I totally get where you are coming from. I remember the last days that I was at work. It was so bitter sweet. I knew that my days of running off after work for drinks at someone's house or staying together to mark at school were ending. I also knew I was so excited about the next chapter of my life but it is sad to end a chapter when you are really enjoying it. I wouldn't go back for a second but you are right when you say that it feels like you are giving up a lot right now. Mommies really do have to sacrifice a lot but we also reap the best benefits of the job. Each Trinity smile is a reminder for me...just as each Briony smile will be for you. Hang in there!
Ohh, I remember that feeling. I bawled on my last day of work. Not just a little, A LOT! I think Steve thought I was going nuts, but he still consoled me and said everything was going to be great! And it is exactly how he said it would be. Hang in there:)
Thanks, ladies. This post turned into a lovely little support group for me - hehe. It's kind of awesome to know just how normal these feelings are (and that they don't make me a bad mom).
Emma and Kai and Trinity and Ava are all pretty lucky babes to have such wise and wonderful mothers :)
"But I feel like I'm giving up so much, and all at the same time."
This rings very true -- you are giving up a lot (and more than you could realize at this point), for at least a year or two anyway...and I think your grieving the loss now is probably very healthy. I'd be much more worried for you if you were in that rah-rah mode of thinking everything was going to be more amazing and wonderful once your "new life" starts.
Maybe you'll be one of those new parents who immediately finds their calling and wholeheartedly embraces the parenting role, feeling complete and rewarded by the experience. I think some parents find that their baby actually does fill a void, even if that's not why they wanted one (consciously, anyway) in the first place. I was not one of those parents -- I found the identity transformation extremely difficult, working through the transition over several years. Actually I'm probably still in transition.
I had to redefine what happiness meant for me and how I measured it, because by my old standards of happiness, I was suddenly very unhappy. The core reason was similar to what you're outlining here -- I felt that I had given up too much, and also that the rewards felt abstract and insufficient. Over time I was able to find joy in different places and different ways...and maybe to measure it differently, but some of that was purely a coping mechanism: willfully forgetting how great (and easy and free and rich and mellow) life had been before kids so as to not beoome bitter.
I was not prepared for the relentlessness of parenting. The total negation of my own desires and needs. The boredom. The stifling weight of endlessly repeating routine tasks I'd rather not do at all. I wasn't prepared to be angry, or to feel guilty about being angry.
Sorry, I didn't respond here to bum you out. But I wish I had known more about these possibilities beforehand. You may not have to deal with them much, but then again, you might. If you do have a difficult transition, I hope it doesn't take as long to recalibrate your sense of joy and satisfaction as it did for me. Good luck!
I swear I didn't have much time to reflect much on my transition to parenthood until it was already getting "easier". It might have saved me a lot of angst. There's an odd haze around the first year of each kid's life.
It sounds like you're doing some great preparation but trust yourself to learn on the fly. I have found that things change so fast that as soon as I think I know something, it seems to need adjusting. Over time I am figuring out which "old" thing(s) I need to keep in my life to stay sane.
A good partner who knows you well is invaluable. Jeremy reflects it back to me (kindly) when I'm losing myself in the chaos. He encourages me to keep doing the important things like exercising and taking time to see friends, even though I'd rather stuff a pillow over my head and sleep for a week. I know which makes me happier in the long run.
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