The Absence of Winning
I've been celebrating a healthy pregnancy. Silly me. I have apparently forgotten that I'm not allowed to be happy.If one more person - friend, foe, or otherwise - makes a comment to the effect that I *should* be the one who's sick (with cancer, with a complicated pregnancy, or whatever), I'll scream. I *should* be healthy. After 16 years of chronic illness, I DESERVE THIS - and I'm just starting to realize that. I deserve every moment of enjoyment I can squeeze out of this pregnancy, and I deserve every doctor's appointment where I leave smiling after hearing good news. This is brand new for me, this whole 'not dreading medical appointments' thing. It's amazing and incredible.
I understand that nothing is guaranteed, but I'm living in the moment right now. This moment is good. And no one can take that away from me - they'll have to pry it from my dying hands, because I'm holding on to it and not letting go.
It doesn't feel anything like winning, though, because my mom and my sister are sick. I've been fighting my whole life to find a way to be healthy so that I could enjoy this phase of my future, whenever it happened. But this very personal health-related victory that's been 16 years in the making is completely empty and hollow.
Truth be told, it's breaking my heart. Because I don't know how to play this role, the healthy one. It feels like I'm dying inside to know that these two women who are so close to me are living in fear and uncertainty that I understand straight through to my bone marrow. I deserve to be healthy, but so do they. And I'd take it all on myself if that were an option at all. I honestly and truly would.
But there's nothing I can do. And everything I say is all wrong. So I continue to shed tears, hoping that - in some small way - those tears will be able to heal something much, much deeper.
Labels: Baby Talk, Family, The C Word
posted by Lindsay @ 10:13 AM
7 Comments:
Oh, honey. You deserve nothing but the best. You've had more than your share of shitty times and I hope you can enjoy this time with your baby. It sucks so much that your mom and sister are not having a great go of it, and they don't deserve it either. I pray that in the very near future you will all be enjoying health and peace together!
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don't you dare feel guilty about having something healthy and wholesome in your life for a change.
and who on earth could validate in their minds that it should be you that is sick and not your mom or sister just because of your health history? don't they know that fighting all your life makes you stronger not weaker?
You deserve all that God is giving you at this moment - ENJOY! It is sad that your mom and sister are not healthy, but you have been there and so can help them through their difficult times.
You smile all you want girl.
Margaret
Who the frick would ever say something like that to you. Stupidest thing I have heard in a long time. And I hear a LOT of stupid.
Yeah--I wonder who would think that way.Strange mentality.
Enjoy your anniversary and the prospects of a baby.,also the reprieve from what you've already had.-- the illnesses of the past.Love you.Grandma
You deserve this and more. Don't let the not-so-happy pregnancy stories bother you. The journey is different for everyone. It has been beautiful for me until now, and I believe it will ocntinue to be, giving a deaf ear to eevrything else that is not positive ! Have a lovely one!.- Indian Momma
diariesofanindianmomma.blogspot.com
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