runlindsayrun

Tough Stuff

This whole blogging thing is so funny. I've never really liked to discuss my health - or how I feel about my health - with people. But now that I write a couple of times a week about what's going on in my world, I realize more people know about how I'm feeling now than ever before. Times about a hundred. Plus strangers :)

Is it okay to be honest, even if it's not pretty?

Yesterday was a really hard day. I'm not really sure what to compare it to. It kind of feels like the day I was first diagnosed. Or something. I haven't really analyzed yet. I'm not sure I want to.

I saw my rheumatologist (arthritis specialist) in the afternoon, kind of a last-ditch effort to figure out how I can get my life back. He examined and tested and re-confirmed my diagnosis. Then he told me to keep getting exercise and removed me from his patient list, because there's nothing he can do for me.

FMS is a disease with few real treatment options. Medical professionals tell you to get used to it - that this is your new reality. They recommend regular moderate exercise, sleep, a healthy diet. They prescribe an anti-depressant for during the day and a hardcore muscle relaxant for the night. And then they wish you luck. That's if you're lucky. My GP isn't so sure that there's anything wrong with me, because I *seem* so normal. There are alternative therapies that I've been sourcing, but I'm on my own to research them and then to pay for trying them out (because FMS isn't a 'real' disease).

It was one of those days when I honestly thought about giving up, instead of my usual reaction to fight it with everything I have. I'm tired. And, after fifteen years of fighting, guess what? I'm still sick. There's still no cure. Heck, there isn't even a medication that can numb my symptoms.

I stayed in bed until 1.30 today, something I don't usually let myself do. I just wasn't ready to face the world yet... As long as I stayed sleeping, everything was okay. Then I popped a few pills, got dressed, and took myself out for coffee and a bagel. I ran a few errands. And then I came into work.

I thought I'd feel better if I tried to just keep going, to make myself snap out of it. But I don't feel better. I still feel sad, and angry at a system that isn't helping me.

L

posted by Lindsay @ 4:02 PM