Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The One Where I Nearly Lose My &#*% at Starbucks

The entire population of chatty weirdos in Abbotsford is at Starbucks this morning. The same Starbucks where I am seriously trying to get some work done, away from my adorable but noisy eighteen month old and my husband who is annoyingly on vacation right now.

Here's the list so far (and I should note that I've been here less than an hour):

An older woman with a bowl cut and a rainbow scarf who sat down in the open chair beside me and talked to me AT LENGTH about how close our chairs were together ('It's so funny how they would put these chairs together. Our feet are almost touching! And we don't even know each other! They're really very close together...'). I finally moved mine.

An older man with a mullet and gold chain who immediately informed me that I was endangering myself by working on my laptop without a pad in between the computer and my legs. I smiled my thanks, and the advice just kept coming... Don't swim in public pools. Don't take a bath (but if you need to, stand up and shower right after). Only buy Rolex watches. And that was seriously just the tip of the iceberg.

Another older man with a mullet (REALLY?!) who had to tell me all about his own business success, his wife's success (she's a paralegal who types 165 words per minute... much faster than he had observed me typing, though I'm a pretty faster typist in his opinion), and his kids - including a son around my age who is currently trying to sell a screenplay he wrote about a man with a blood disorder who lives among vampires. Kill me now.

A kid in his early twenties who wanted to know if he could use my MacBook to do something with his broken iPhone. I said no, and he proceeded to tell me a five minute long story about how he just got it yesterday and let his daughter play with it and she pressed something she shouldn't have. I suggested bringing it to wherever he bought it from to see if they could help, and he said something about 'getting it off some guy'... Of course. Buddy, this is SO NOT MY PROBLEM.

Now the seat nearest me has been filled with an older gentleman wearing slippers (WHY GOD WHY) and a black, white, and emerald green knit sweater. He's eating a scone in such a way that his lips and chin are literally blanketed in crumbs... But he's sitting quietly and reading a newspaper and so I'll take him.

Back to work...

UPDATE 11:17 - Buddy with the iPhone came back to ask me AGAIN if he could use my computer to restore his iPhone. Said no again. Now slightly concerned that he'll come back and kill me. On the upside, Crumb Man is now doing a crossword! A glorious crossword that requires SILENCE and CONCENTRATION!

Labels: , ,


At June 16, 2010 11:19 AM, Blogger Aaron Scott said...

This reads like a McSweeney's article: "People I Met At Starbucks This Morning".

At June 16, 2010 1:04 PM, Blogger Lenore said...

Why don't people understand that working at Starbucks means WORKING!!! Okay, that felt good. Thanks.


At June 16, 2010 3:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's hilarious!

At June 16, 2010 3:23 PM, Blogger Sara Beth said...


At June 16, 2010 8:15 PM, Anonymous erin said...

best post...EVER! :) made me smile. sorry it took your discomfort and annoyance to make me smile.


Post a Comment

<< Home