runlindsayrun

Good Enough

I'm totally cheating. A good chunk of this post is copied and pasted from an email I just wrote to my mother-in-law. But I realized that it formed a pretty good start to an update on where things are at in my head and in my heart today.

I'm sure you've realized by now that 'good enough' isn't ever good enough for me... I understand that sometimes you need to be uncomfortable for a short while in order to find health in the long term. I also understand that I need the best possible quality of life I can find for myself NOW, because the future is always uncertain. It's sometimes very tricky to balance those two truths - especially when you're trying to objectively analyze two options in a mushy, medicated brain :)

It's going to be a tough call - whether to stay on an 'introductory dose' of the meds I started last week (or go off them entirely), or whether to take my doctor's advice and double it starting on Friday morning. I don't want to live the pain of the past two weeks again, but I also want to be able to enjoy my life free of these side effects. I know it's bizarre that I've reacted so strongly to such a relatively small dose of this drug - but that's not really something that can be controlled, and every person is different.

I don't think I'll know for sure what I'll do until that moment of truth comes on Friday morning - when it's time to pop that second pill (or not). I've made arrangements to work from home that day, in case I do choose to try the stronger dose. I'd hate to live with the pain I still have and always wonder if it would be less on a higher dose, and if I could have managed it...

Argh. In the meantime, I'm a girl who's on an anti-depressant, somewhat unnecessarily. If anyone has ever fooled around with the wrong anti-depressant drug - or had a doctor adjust their dose too high - I know you know what I'm talking about. I'm living my life, kind of. Everything is FLAT. I feel like I'm watching, and not participating. And that is SO very un-Lindsay.

That's another reason to be scared of this dosage increase on Friday. Though everything I've read suggests that I'll even out within a couple of weeks.

Anyway. That's where I'm at today. And it's easier to blog about it, rather than dealing with people who want to talk about it. Is that too honest for you? :)

Labels: Arthritis/Fibromyalgia, Can You Handle The Truth?, My Life

posted by Lindsay @ 5:02 PM