The Cost of Hope
Humans are fascinating to me. I think that's why I enjoy people-watching so much - just seeing how we act, how we move, how we interact with each other, how we function in our environments, and the thousands of stories that are etched in our faces. The most interesting thing to me, though, is how we are able to hope and to persevere - and to heal.Today was an incredibly disappointing day. I was talking to my mom the other day about my efforts to get an appointment with this specialist I've been referred to, and I confessed to her that I was scared to get my hopes up. I was scared of building up this doctor in my mind and expecting him to be a saviour, and then finding out that there's nothing he can do for me. She encouraged me to let myself hope, and to feel that hope. And I did. Which is probably why it feels like my heart was broken today.
I finally got a call back from the specialist's office, and they have agreed to see me. But their first available appointment is for the third week of September. And that's just an initial consultation - I'll probably need to book an appointment after that to get started on any real treatment (assuming, of course, that I'm treatable). And of course, none of this is covered by Manitoba Health, and my benefits will make only a tiny dent in the total cost of simply seeing this doctor, never mind the actual treatment costs.
Despite the fact that I had tried to be a realist - and despite the fact that I was sitting at my desk at work when I got the call - I felt myself filling up with tears. These tears were full of disappointment and frustration. They were broken heart tears. And they came pouring out.
I know that all hope is not lost. It's simply a delay in hope. And I'm not anti-hope, I just know that it comes at a cost. I will continue to hope. But I am very, very aware that this delay means that either my body will need to heal on its own, or I am going to be sick for our wedding. And that REALLY breaks my heart. Because I realized today why I never sat around like other girls and dreamed of my wedding day. It's because I was scared of what that day might look like. And I was scared to get my hopes up.
Labels: Arthritis/Fibromyalgia, My Life
posted by Lindsay @ 3:59 PM
6 Comments:
Lindsay, Hope deferred...that is all it is for now. We are going to 'hope' and pray for you to have a good day on your wedding. Nevertheless, keep up your courage and go with the flow. Let us all know exactly what we can do on and around the wedding day to keep you going. In the meantime, get rest and thanks for sharing your heart. Shalom:)
Thanks, Marilyn. My hope is shaky today - so I'll hold on to yours. I'm blessed with such a big, amazing group of people in this world who love me.
Praying for you Lindsay. It makes me sad that you are sad.
I have broken heart tears for you, too. If we have to, all the people who love you will carry you on that day so that you can cherish every moment and have a wonderful day. And there is still hope...lots and lots of it. You are strong, Lindsay, you are going to make it and come out the winner in this! We are praying for you. God give you peace and hope and strength and most of all healing. Love you!
Thank you, Crystal.
Oh, Erin. What did I do without you for so many years?! Praying for you too :)
May the God of peace be with you. Know that He is bigger than this, He can see you through. My prayers are with you.
Post a Comment
<< Home