Saturday, February 13, 2010

Insecure Mommy Day

I'm going to coin that phrase, by the way. It's an amazing phenomenon. I can go days or weeks feeling like it's all good and it's all under control, and then I have a day where I'm just overwhelmed by everything I think I'm doing wrong. An Insecure Mommy Day.

Why? Well, seeing you asked... :)

Have I mentioned recently that Briony's still not walking? She's still not walking. She'll be fifteen months old on Tuesday. She's an alarmingly fast crawler, she's totally capable of standing, and she's seriously awesome at scooting around furniture and getting absolutely everywhere she wants to go. But she's not walking. I know that's not totally unheard of, but it's still undeniably late. I was doing really well with that and not really worrying (mostly because the same book that says she 'should' be able to walk well by now also says that an advanced baby her age 'might' be able to say up to six words - ha!). And I refuse to be one of those moms who's so concerned that she dedicates all kinds of time and energy to trying to force their baby to walk. She'll do it when she's ready, just like she's hit every other milestone exactly when BRIONY 'should.'


I have HAD IT with random people asking incredulously EVERY SINGLE DAY: 'She's not walking yet?!' Some will even go so far as to ask if the pediatrician is worried and if something could be wrong. The next person who says it is seriously either getting kicked out of my house or I will walk away from them mid-sentence. It's so toxic to play that game, and I want none of that for my family. There is nothing wrong with my perfect baby girl. I'm 99% sure of that. But that last 1% motivated me to book an appointment for her next week - mostly so I can feel like a good mom again, and a little bit so that I can tell those annoying people that the pediatrician isn't worried at all. (She'll also be getting her 12 month shots. I delayed them just because I wasn't crazy about the idea of suppressing her immune system right before we dragged her all over malls and family gatherings during the holidays.)

And we're still waiting for those stupid molars to come through. Three have been partway through for a couple of weeks now, and the fourth is coming very, very soon. And what a giant pain the @$$ they've been. There is so little I can do to make her happy. Yesterday, after losing the battle over her second nap, I finally just curled up on the couch with her and we snuggled and watched 'Shaun the Sheep' (one of her favourites). It made me feel like a lousy mom to use television as my solution, but it worked - and we had a great time giggling at the silly sheep and pigs.

I know it's a totally false perception that there a perfect moms out there. I was just *so* determined to be the first. And I think that at least some of my insecurity this weekend is coming from the fact that I've been away from her because of work so much more lately - which is the new normal for our family. I miss her like crazy. But I know that she's happy and very well taken care of. I just need to get over the fact that it's not ME taking care of her.

I'm also working through some major guilt that comes from my recent realization that I really, really like going to work. There. I said it. I LIKE WORKING. I don't know why that's been such a shock for me after a decade of pursuing this career... I love being a mommy. But I love my work too. It's hard for me to get ready and walk out the door, away from my baby girl - but once I do, I'm finding all kinds of feelings of fulfillment. I don't want to do it every day - our current set-up where I'm gone for two half-days + meetings is PERFECT. But I am really happy at work right now, and really enjoying the clients I'm working with. And that scares me. Good moms aren't supposed to go to work and be happy about it.

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At February 13, 2010 2:58 PM, Anonymous Ashley said...

Don't worry, Lindsay. Every kid is different, and develops at their own pace. I feel for you, because Jack has been quite a slow talker (the exact opposite of Briony! :)) and if I have to hear one more person point that out, I could scream! I think we just need to step back, let them do their own thing, and realize we are doing the very best we can for them. I tell myself, years from now I will look back and wonder why I worried so much!

At February 13, 2010 3:03 PM, Blogger Kristen Loewen said...

what kind of mom would it make you if you went to work miserable about it? and then carried that around with you at home?

At February 13, 2010 4:03 PM, Anonymous Marilyn said...

Kristen is being a happy person gives Briony a happy Mom. That's a precious gift. Somehow I never worried about my kids progress along the way (except some of the schooling) just happened when it did. One day you will realize your imperfection is the best you have and that's OK. I mean, you are human, aren't you?!

At February 13, 2010 7:16 PM, Blogger Jobina said...

wow, there are some rude people out there! Your little girl is happy, healthy and loved. That makes you perfect to her!

At February 13, 2010 10:48 PM, Blogger ka said...

I dunno what you're talking about, I'm the PERFECT mother! All day! Every day!


That was me falling on the floor laughing at that comment. Because there has been more than once or twice (or 10 or 100) times that I've tucked Scarlett in at night and apologized to her for not being the most fun/patient/caring/*insert adjective here* mom going. But she loves me anyway.

Now, for the rest of it. Might I remind you that my kid was walking by 13 months, but she was also 18 months old before she learned to get up after falling on her butt. And she was 20 months before she learned to crawl.

Oh, and Mia was 18 months before she walked. And all she does now is run.

It's all good. This is the only time when I'll tell you that books suck. ;)

At February 15, 2010 10:22 PM, Blogger Lindsay said...

I seriously can't tell you how many moms have recently told me that their child isn't walking at 15 months, 16 months, 18 months, etc. So she's completely normal. Do people think there's something wrong with physical/genetic makeup or something? I just can't fathom what they're thinking. Obviously she will walk when she feels like giving it a whirl. End of story. :-)

At February 17, 2010 1:40 PM, Blogger Lindsay said...

Ashley - It's so funny how every kid will just do their own thing. And you're SO RIGHT about how we'll look back on this with a very reasonable perspective on things. Our kids are lucky to have mommies who care as much as we do :)

Kristen - Smart lady, as always.

Marilyn - You're smart too :)

Jobina - You should make little signs to hang on strollers, like the ones that say 'STOP! Don't touch!)... hehe.

KA - Blasphemy! (Thanks. I always forget these things I already know about my friends' mommy experiences. I disagree about you not being Supermom though...)

Lindsay - You're totally right. As usual :)


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