runlindsayrun

D Day

It's after midnight on Tuesday night - technically Wednesday morning. Which means that I'm only 12 hours away from finally being able to see my doctor. Not my specialist, just my GP, but at this point I'll kind of just take what I can get.

People keep on asking me how I'm feeling compared to the previous day - better or worse. The truth is that I have no idea anymore. It's hurt so much for so many days in a row now that I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't tell if my pain is worse but I'm just so immune to it that I don't notice, or if it's better and I'm just so worn down that it feels worse than it is. Or if it really is exactly the same. All I know is that it hurts, and I'd do just about anything for five minutes of relief to reset my pain sensors and my determination.

I'm sitting awake on the couch with my laptop. I tried falling asleep, but I couldn't. I'm too scared. I'm usually so guarded about these types of appointments - I expect absolutely nothing, and I'm usually right. Every once in a while, I get a happy surprise. And I'm okay with living my (medical) life like that. But I am so desperate for help that I can't seem to get a handle on my expectations. I've been counting down to this appointment, telling myself that I only need to be tough until 12.30 on Wednesday, and then everything will be okay...

And now I'm sitting here on the couch and wondering -
what happens if it's not?

It's okay if you don't know what to say. Neither do I.



UPDATE 11.28: Apparently, my grandma knew what to say. She sent me this verse this morning: 'I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me' (Psalm 16.8) I'm not much of a Psalms girl, but I thought that was pretty cool. My mom sent me one too: 'May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you might overflow with hope by the power of the holy spirit' (Romans 15.13). All good, but I had already picked my own verse for today: 'Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go' (Joshua 1.8-9). I think I'll just take all three, if that's not too greedy :)

UPDATE 15.25: I'm not doing very well. In fact, I'm seriously needing a hug right now - which is unlikely to happen now that I'm back at work. The appointment went kind of exactly how I knew it would. I very honestly and unemotionally told my doctor what's been going on. He had no suggestions, other than to wait and see what the specialist says next week. I told him I needed help TODAY. And after I put up a very good fight (tears included), all I walked away with was a 15-day prescription for an antidepressant.

You know what? That's not entirely true... I also walked away with the internal knowledge that I said and did everything I could possibly do in order to get the help I needed (even if it didn't work) - and that's something pretty big. On some level, it must have worked because he called my cell phone almost three hours after my appointment and told me he decided to do some bloodwork. I'm supposed to have that done tomorrow morning.

Now the waiting game begins again... 6 days and 17 hours until I see my chronic pain specialist. I only need to be tough until then, and then everything will be okay...

UPDATE 15.51: So I just got off the phone with my specialist's office. I figured I had nothing to lose... I told them that I didn't *want* to become one of those crazy stalker people who camps out in their waiting room, but that I was seriously considering it. And guess what. Guess who has an appointment for TOMORROW AFTERNOON with her chronic pain specialist! If I could dance right now, I would. Looks like my prayers for hope didn't get lost after all :)

Labels: Arthritis/Fibromyalgia, Can You Handle The Truth?, My Life

posted by Lindsay @ 12:22 AM