runlindsayrun

Lindsay Is

How truly strange, this Facebook thing. It has caused me to think of my world, my life, my emotions, and the combination of the three in a single statement that always begins with the same two words: Lindsay is... Never mind the fact that the 'is' is gone now :)

Which brings me to the question that's been causing me some stress this week: What the heck AM I?

I'm scared because this fibromyalgia / chronic fatigue flare my body's been hinting at for a while already seems to be seriously on its way now - and I'm not sure if I've been successful in preventing it or even slowing it down. I'm overwhelmed with fear and panic about the future, because I don't know what that means or what it will look like. My plans are gone, thrown out the window - for today, for tomorrow, for the next month, for the next year... I have no clue what to prep myself for. I am not the one in control anymore.

I'm upset, because in the throes of this physically and emotionally bad day, Geoff and I went outside this morning so he could drive me to work and we discovered that my car had been broken into. The would-be car thieves were not successful - I had an immobilizer installed two months ago - but they decimated my drivers' side lock and the body of the car around it, and they absolutely tore apart my ignition and steering column. I couldn't even get my key inside what was left. They went through my stuff in the glove box and the trunk, but didn't take a thing. And so, instead of a tough day at work, I had an extremely tough day at home - making phone calls and statements, arranging for a tow truck and a rental car, cleaning out my car, walking to get rental car insurance, and the list goes on... I did my best to work from home in between all my running around. And by 4.15 pm, I was back at home with a rental car parked where my ruined car used to sit - evidenced by yet another chunk of car sitting in the snow in our driveway.

(Geoff missed the majority of the excitement because he's working a stretch of nights and had to go to sleep pretty much as soon as we discovered what had happened.)

I'm tired.

I'm speechless, and I don't really know what to think or what to feel. The surprise stress of a damaged car is really the last thing my body could handle right now - physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I'm fighting hard here, and waiting for a breakthrough. I'm hurting.

And I'm wanting rather desperately to call for some chinese take-out and spend my New Years Eve in a bubble bath watching Audrey Hepburn movies (I have now perfected the temporary TV/DVD setup in my bathroom... Way too awesome for words :)

But that's not what I'm doing tonight. I have an hour to pull myself together before I get picked up for a New Years party that's pretty much guaranteed to be fun, with old friends who I love like crazy and always make me laugh until my stomach hurts. Which is maybe the best therapy of all. And I'm kind of looking forward to it.

Forget one-sentence status updates. Human beings are complicated - especially the girl kind. Although maybe I can squeeze out one last one for 2007, for old time's sake: Lindsay is going to be okay.

-

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours

Excerpt from 'Who Am I' by Casting Crowns

Labels: Arthritis/Fibromyalgia, Can You Handle The Truth?, My Friends, My Life

posted by Lindsay @ 6:40 PM