runlindsayrun

And Yet Another

I'm not really very sure what to say. This week, for the first time in a loooong time, I've had moments where I have honestly thought about giving up. Not 'giving up,' but giving up fighting so hard. It's so tempting to just say that it's too hard to keep filling my life with normal things - and be one of Those Other People with fibromyalgia who (sometimes very legitimately) figure out a way to work from home or just become hermits.

Friday was officially The End Of My Rope, and I called in sick - something that does not happen very often. My pain levels hadn't changed, and my body was screaming, 'Please don't make me go work that hard all day again, I'm tired!' And so I listened. I rested, I sat on the couch for most of the day, I read a book, I had a bubble bath, I let Geoff and my mom bring me lunch, and I let Geoff vacuum and do dishes (I married such an incredible man...) - and I didn't move an inch. I was not-so-secretly (and somewhat foolishly) wishing and hoping that the less I did on Friday, the more I'd be able to do today.

But life doesn't really work that way. And I woke up feeling pretty much exactly the same as I felt on Friday: hurting and tired. Which would have been devastating, except that I had plans that left me no time for self-pity. And so I got up, put my hair in a ponytail, and drove to Osborne to meet Anja and Kari-Ann for our pre-arranged sushi lunch date. I won't lie - it was an extraordinary effort - but I'm so happy I did it. Those girls make me laugh, and in between laughter we always manage to have some genuine, honest, and occasionally intelligent conversation. I love that we all met when we did very similar work at the same company, and were all young and fun and single... And now, older and wiser (ha), we've all found our own versions of our work in places that bring us joy. We're kind of all grown up now. In the last year, both Anja and I got married, and Kari-Ann's expecting her first baby in May. And we have just as much to talk about as we ever did.

Back at home now, I'm more exhausted than I was this morning, my back is seriously killing me, and I can feel every muscle in my legs twitching and pulsing - but my soul is happy.

I'm not going to give up. Because I understand that everything is temporary - this too will pass. And because I understand that, underneath all of this fatigue and pain and frustration, there is ME. And I believe that life is worth living fully.

Labels: Arthritis/Fibromyalgia, Can You Handle The Truth?, My Life

posted by Lindsay @ 5:42 PM