Crash
Permission to speak freely?I needed help today. It seems like my worst fibromyalgia / chronic fatigue days are the days when Geoff is at work. Briony and I were on our own again today, and it was a tough one... I actually attempted to go to church with her, but only lasted about 20 minutes before I realized that I needed to leave NOW if I wanted to have enough energy left to go home. Naturally, I spent the rest of the day feeling stupid for wasting all the energy it took to get us both ready and out the door (and back in the door again) for absolutely nothing, but whatever. It's water under the bridge at this point.
So I muddled through the rest of the day, and tried to nap when she did (but couldn't fall asleep). And I didn't call anyone.
I was trying to figure out WHY I didn't try to find help... But the answer was painfully obvious: I didn't feel I had the right to call anyone. I've been feeling so lousy for so long that I haven't kept up on friendships and playdates or even emails the way I should - and the way I want to. I miss my friends like crazy, but I'm exhausted from just taking care of myself, my baby, and doing a little bit of work from home. And it makes me feel like I'm at a friendship deficit, that I can't withdraw any help until I deposit some effort.
It's just one of those things about chronic illness, and invisible chronic illness in particular. I'm sure that if I was recovering from a recent surgery or a car accident, I wouldn't hesitate to say HEY! A LITTLE HELP OVER HERE, PLEASE! But this is a car crash that just happens over and over and over... And really, how many times can one person possibly call for the same thing?
Not a pity thing. And I know in my head that I have a long list of friends who I could have called anyway, who understand that I'm sick and love me anyway... But today I didn't pick up the phone. Tomorrow I might.
Labels: Arthritis/Fibromyalgia, Can You Handle The Truth?
posted by Lindsay @ 5:45 PM
2 Comments:
Lindsay, call Kevin (W)occasionally. He would love to cook you a meal and take Briony out for a walk if/when he's home. He doesn't work 12 hr. shifts even when he is working. If he isn't working on Sunday, he might even go with you to church to help you out.
Well, if you want some company tomorrow my husband (note that I'm not using his name - you know where this is going :) is going to Fargo without me. To pick up a combine. Seriously. I can get those magazines you withheld from me last week, we can drink Starbucks and discuss my home reno projects. Oooh, and I have something you would totally LOVE to talk about. But I'm not telling you what it is until you phone me to come.
:)
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