The Waiting Game
I'm at work, being remarkably productive considering my mind is somewhere else entirely. I got a phone call before work today to let me know that my Oma had a stroke early this morning. My parents didn't have a lot of details, but they were on their way to go see her and find out what's going on. And so I wait.So that's been on my mind and my heart today. And so has my friend Margaret (aka Mag, Mags, Maggie, Magglepuss). Her dad had a very serious stroke about a month ago, and she's been struggling through - working full time, taking care of her own family, and going to the hospital daily (sometimes multiple times a day) to be with her dad and support her mom. She's living what we're all scared of right now.
This morning, while I was doing some research for a client, I came across these lists that basically form a how-to of supporting someone who's hurting. It made me wonder what kinds of phrases and words I shared with Margaret, and other people in my life who've been dealing with tough stuff.
It made me think, and actually really encouraged me. In hope that someone else might find it useful, I'm posting it here (borrowed from www.speak-out.ca).
L
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You Are NOT listening when….
- You say you understand when you haven't had the same experience
- You have an answer for my problem before I've finished telling you what my problem is
- You cut me off before I finish speaking or finish my sentence for me
- You are determined to tell me something
- You tell me about your experience, making mine seem unimportant
- You are communicating to someone else in the room
- You refuse my thanks by saying you really haven't done anything
You ARE listening when…
- You really try to understand me even if I'm not making much sense
- You grasp my point of view even when it goes against your own sincere convictions
- You realize the hour we spent together has left me tired and drained
- You allow me the dignity of making my own decisions
- You do not take my problem away from me, but allow me to deal with it in my own way
- You hold back your desire to give me good advice
- You do not offer me religious solace when you sense I am not ready for it
- You accept my gift of gratitude by telling me how good it makes you feel to know you have been helpful
- You come quietly into my private world and let me be me
When we don't know what to say and do and nothing seems to be needed, we can feel useless to our friends. But, one of the most important things we can do for a grieving friend is listen.
posted by Lindsay @ 11:54 AM
7 Comments:
Linds, you all are in my prayers. Thanks for walking with me last night. It was fun laughing and talking.
The update is that - miraculously - it sounds like she's going to be okay. They're keeping her in the hospital a little longer, but she's not paralyzed and she can speak. There's quite a bit of numbness still, but it's starting to subside.
I'm feeling relief, gratitude, happiness... Along with sadness that Margaret's news was so unfairly different than ours.
L
Excellent advice you found and a good reminder in all circumstances. Glad your Oma is making great recovery strides. Prayers...and thanks for sharing.
I'm so glad to hear your Oma seems to have come out of this in great shape! We are counting the small steps my dad makes in his recovery - like learning to stand, learning to get a spoon to his mouth. He is making progress, but it's in baby steps and it's hard not to want to rush God in this whole process. Thanks SO much for that list - I've forwarded it to my friends and family.
Just remember - do NOT feel guilty that your Oma's stroke was not as severe. God has His reasons and plans for all of our lives - we just need to learn to lean on Him and believe in Him. Easier said than done I'm finding!
Thanks again for sharing Linds.
Thanks so much, ladies :)
No big changes overnight. She's still completely numb on her left side, but has total muscle strength - so she's able to walk and talk, but can't feel anything at all. She went for a CT scan earlier today, so I guess we'll know more after that. The big question now is whether or not my Opa knows how to cook!
L
My Grandma's been in and out of the hospital a lot lately with chemo, which has left my Grandpa to fend for himself with more than a few meals. He tells me he's been eating lots of bread and jam because (and I quote), "he can't get that cursed toaster to work." It's the cutest thing. And when she is home and feeling good, it takes everything he has not to run her ragged making all his favourite things. He tried that once, and I hear it wasn't terribly well received...
There, now hopefully that's good for a laugh. Let me know what else you need... :)
Kari-Ann, that is SO FUNNY.
I asked my dad about that very subject this afternoon, and his reponse was: 'Opa won't starve, I'm sure there are lots of buns in the freezer.'
L
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