The Perfect Storm
Yeah, you caught me. Put the waterboard away - I'll confess. I'm totally avoiding my own blog. A great start to a new year, hey?I don't want this to turn into a depressing space, and I don't want to ever be less than honest on here - and so I chose silence. The truth is that I'm overwhelmed. It's not Briony - she's awesome. I have an incredibly easy baby who spends most of her days being happy and most of her nights fast asleep (seven or eight hour stretches of sleep at night are the norm at our house). And I *love* being her mom. It's the rest of my life that isn't making very much sense right now. Everything feels like it's been turned upside-down, and it was inevitable that I'd start to feel the stress of this change. I hate change. Even good change.
This period of new motherhood is an absolute bitch for someone who has battled an eating disorder. I should have expected it, I realize, but I didn't. (And I suspect I may be breaking some sort of new mommy code by admitting to it publicly. Am I out of the club now?)
I honestly thought that it was safely tucked away in my past, never to be seen or heard from again. But I have realized that the combination of the excess weight + losing control over my life in general + dealing with some post-partum depression is a classic recipe for disaster. It's really the perfect storm. I've been able to be strong and fight it off so far, but it's a poison that is in my head every moment of every day. It's exhausting. But I refuse to let it win, not with a little girl living in my house now. I refuse to let that be any part of her world.
But it's so very, very hard. And I've probably made it harder than it needed to be by keeping my mouth shut and trying to deal with it myself (always a *stellar* plan, don't you think?).
In spite of everything, today was a good day. I apologized to Geoff last night about the bitchy, horrible alter ego of a wife he's been forced to endure lately - which helped to ease some of the tension around here. And after a semi-productive morning at home, Briony and I went to HSC with my parents for my mom's third-last radiation appointment this afternoon. Then we came home and I actually made a proper dinner. But in the spirit of fortunately/unfortunately, my car has a *completely* flat tire, which has totally messed with my plans for tomorrow: our first Moms Group meeting in over a month, and then lunch at Kristen's. Grrr.
A happy post on here soon. That's the plan. But until I can write one honestly, I think I'll go back to cuddling my baby and watching Entourage :)
Labels: Can You Handle The Truth?
posted by Lindsay @ 10:07 PM
10 Comments:
Lindsay you put into words a lot of what I have been dealing with over the last year. I love being Trinity's mommy too but my emotional rollercoaster has taken a most difficult ride. I'm glad you were open and honest about it. Thanks. It's amazing how a snuggle from the little angel melts so many troubles away. I hope and pray that your "storm" will calm or that you will be calmed within the storm.
You are *so* not out of the club. If anything you should be PREZ for stating so eloquently what it is so many mommies go through. Praying for you and for this time to pass with much learning to come from it.
Praying for you Linds. From someone who has always dealt with weight, I totally understand (not to mention the extra hormones that come with the post pardom state). I didn't even want to get pregnant because I was finally a nice, healthy (dare I say - skinny) weight. Now I'm doing it again. Don't feel bad for feeling as you do. You are still a woman first and foremost, but now you also have the joy of being a mommy too! Love you - hugs.
The word verification today was BRAVE - fitting eh?
You're still in the club. In fact, you're also invited to join another Mommy club, the "We Hate Mommies Who Fit Their Old Jeans in Anything Less Than One Year" club. I met up with someone who put their old jeans on in 2 weeks post-baby. I said a LOT of nasty words to them, in my head of course. :)
Want a happy thought? You don't have to put on a wedding dress in 6 months. Ugh...
I'm glad you had a better day yesterday. I'm also glad that your other mommy friends who have commented on this post have let you know that you're not unique or alone.
Hope the flat tire gets fixed and you can get out today. That is always a good plan when one's brain needs others' input. Honesty isn't always easy but usually the most helpful so keep at it despite the struggle. I'm not a new mother but I did struggle much more after our first birth child than with our adopted one...so it must be the hormones. Know you are in our prayers whether you blog or not:)
There is no value in cheating yourself and not being truthful... authenticity is everything in this life. Thank you for your truth-telling and your vulnerability. Damn those post-pregnancy hormones! I relate to the body image thing - I've struggled with weight pre-occupation for years, and having babies really intensifies the struggle. Keep being transparent - it's refreshing it's going to get you through.
Oh Lindsay... thanks for sharing your heart. I wish I knew exactly how to get you in touch with two of my very best friends. Both have them have had the EXACT same struggles, and I'm sure they would have so much to say about it. If you want to email me, I can always send you their emails.
Heather just sent me a link to your blog. My blog is private but if you want to be added to it just let Heather know and she can send me your email.
I struggled with anorexia throughout highschool. It wasn't until my first year of Bible School that I finally addressed the issue. I soon realized that it had control over my life. I was constantly thinking about losing weight, skipping meals, drinking slim fast, eating meal replacements, working out for some times up to almost 3 hours a day. Looking back I see that that was no life. The only way I finally found freedom was when I admitted that Satan had a foothold on my life. I am a Christian and I wanted to find freedom. I prayed through some scripture in the Bible with the help of some friends and this verse stood out to me. Song of Songs 4:7 says, "How beautiful you are my darling, there is not flaw in you!" Lindsay, there is no flaw in you. God made you and He loves you very much! After this time in my life I threw out the diet pills and swore to never let it take a hold on my again.
Then I got pregnant. I struggled with the weight gain. I hated it when people commented on how big I was. I wrestled with the way I looked after I had my son.
I am thankful that through it all I had an amazing husband who told me he loved me whatever season I was in (pregnant, or not). I am sure your husband would say the same about you too.
I'll leave it here for now. I am thinking about you and I pray that you will find strength to overcome this. Oh, and by admitting your struggle...that means you are already finding freedom from the lie that you need to keep this a secret!
Hi Lindsay,
I am new to your blog, (anther friend of Heather's :))
I admire your honesty and love your sense of humor. Being a mom is one of the HARDEST jobs ever, and the change in life is really really hard. I can relate to the things you wrote about in this post. My son is a year now in January, but my 2008 was also a really bumpy ride. Postpardum, anxiety, insomnia, and staying on top of ED issues is alot when one is stuck at home all day with no sanity breaks!
You are not alone, and yet I'm sure you feel like you are. I want to encourage you to keep writing your posts on this blog, even if you feel they are being negative, who cares! Write on girlfriend!
Also, remember that this is a season that will pass, keep searching your heart and stay true to yourself.
I look forward to making your blog a regular "pit stop" on my list.
Us moms need to stick together!
Take care,
Robin
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